2010 December | Positive Parent Plus | Practical Parenting Help

How Meditation Can Help You And Your Child

I first heard about Loving Kindness Meditation in a podcast with Marci Shimoff, the author of Happy For No Reason. It is a really beautiful mediation that can be done all day long, not just in the lotus position in a quiet corner of your home.

There are different versions of the Loving Kindness Meditation, but all of them have a similar intention. The version that I like to do goes like this:

Start thinking about yourself and say (or think), “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I have love, may my life be filled with ease. Then think of someone close to you. For example, I usually go to my wife next and I say, “Tova, may you be happy. Tova, may you be healthy, etc”

I can do it in the lotus position in my living room in the morning before my family wakes up or I can also do it while I am driving my car.

After going through your loved ones, you move on to people who are neutral in your life. For example, you may be stopped at a red light, look over to the driver next to you and send him or her loving kindness.

The challenge is to then think of the negative people in your life. The person who cut you off in traffic, Your boss who gives you a hard time every day, or perhaps your mother-in-law (if you're not as lucky as me to have a mother-in-law that I loved) and send them loving kindness.

When I first heard this and started practicing it, it always made me feel good and I knew that it helped me to stay positive. Now I find out that a group of psychologists tested the Loving Kindness Meditation and found that it truly helps people to build positive emotions.

Dr Barbara Fredrickson and her colleagues taught this to 100 employees at a hi-tech company. They had another 100 employees who did not learn the technique (until after the experiment) and they compared the two groups. The group that learned the technique, let's call them the meditators, were more mindful and savored the past, present and future. They had more gratitude, more hope, more love and more pride.

The meditators were able to both give more social support and to receive more social support. The meditators were able to create more positive relationships with others.

Finally and not too surprisingly, the meditators reported fewer illnesses and better sleep.

So how can you use this with your kids? Would it work for you to do a loving kindness meditation every night when you tuck them in? What if every night, with your child, you started off with, “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be loved, may my life be filled with ease.” And then go through this for members in your family, for classmates, for teachers, etc.

If you do this, you will be raising a loving child and you will be building a great relationship!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

An Added Benefit Of Reading Every Day

A good book has no ending. R.D. Cumming

I bet Cumming must have been reading to a two year old. Just when you think that they can't possibly want to read the same book again, they say “Again!”

I have a picture with each of my three boys when they were only a few hours old, on my lap, reading a book to them. With my older two boys it was “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by Bill Martin Jr. My wife was a kindergarten teacher then and that was the first book she read in kindergarten. (The boys knew it already, they had heard it in utero.) With out third, my wife was one month early and we couldn't find “Brown Bear”, so we had to settle for “Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do you Hear” by Bill Martin Jr..

Some people have told me that I was crazy for doing that. Firstly, I don't much care if I am called crazy. But more importantly, I knew I had a very sound reason for doing it. And today I learned another reason for reading to newborns.

The reason I chose to read to my boys from Day 1 is because of something I heard in a class about teaching reading. The professor told us that we know that there is some point in a child's life that if you have not started reading yet, you are starting late. You should still read to the child, but you should have started earlier. We also know that there is no point in a child's life that it is too early to start reading to a child. So, the professor told us, we should start reading to our children from Day 1 and we should read each and every day after that.

I always thought I was reading to my kids for their sake, so that they would learn to love to read. And it worked! All three boys are readers two of them more so, one less so. All three have done well in their language classes and are successful in school.

From today, I have a new reason to tell parents to read to their kids from the very first day. I just read about a study that was done in the Neonatal ICU in a hospital in Quebec. For babies and their parents in a NICU, it is very difficult to bond. The babies are usually in an incubator, often hooked up to tubes and monitors and parents may be afraid to hold the baby for fear of hurting them. They had the parents of these NICU babies read to the newborns.

The result? – The parents bonded better with the babies. And the babies bonded with their parents. And the parents were more likely to keep up the practice of reading to their kids when they got home from the hospital.

Now, thank God, none of my sons spent time in the NICU. But I am sure what is true for parents of babies who need special help is also true for parents of babies who are born healthy. Reading to your newborn helps you to bond with them. Many parents don't know what to do or say to their newborn. The truth is, saying anything is fine. But in case you need some direction and help with what to say, read a book! You can't go wrong.

All this time, I thought that reading to my kids was for their sake, now I know that I benefited as well.

I have no idea how my relationship with my kids would have turned out if I had not read to them, but I did read to them and we now have a wonderful relationship.

So, if a newborn is in your future or the future of other people you know, pass it on. Read to them from Day 1. It will help you to create a wonderful relationship with your newborn.

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Be Proud Of Your Kids And Let Them Know

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I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much. – Bob Newhart

Like Bob Newhart, I too am very proud of my marriage and of my children. If I had grandkids, I am fairly certain I would be proud of them as well, but I have not yet been blessed with grandkids.

We just spent the weekend with my wife's aunt and uncle. My boys were great. At every meal they jumped up to help, they took part in the conversation, they didn't fight, they were just great. I often tell my sons how proud I am of them, but it is usually after we have spent time with another family whose kids behave poorly. In those cases, my kids stand out as wonderful. This weekend they stood out as wonderful kids without needing a negative comparison.

And on Saturday when we were heading home, I made sure to let them know.

So do you let your kids know that you are proud of them? I believe it is very important to let our kids know we are proud of them and why.

One way to look at this is the way we look at performance reviews at work. The best way to give a performance review is to be specific about what the employee does well and what the employee doesn't do well. If an employee is given specific information about what they are doing well and what they are not doing well, the assumption is that they will do more of the “good stuff” and less of the “bad stuff”.

I have said before that kids just want to be loved. Kids will do just about anything for love and attention. The first thing that new teachers are told about discipline is to “catch the kids being good” so that the kids get praise for positive behavior and will try to do more of it.

Telling your kids that you are proud of them is similar. By telling your kids you are proud of them you are “catching them being good” and letting them get more and more praise for that.

Just like with a performance review, be specific. “I am proud of you for helping serve the meal.” “I am proud of you for cleaning your room so nicely.” “I am proud of you for working hard on your book report.”

Research by Carol Dweck of Stanford University tells us that we should praise our kids for their effort rather than their performance. In the future we want them to make the effort again and again. If we praise their performance they may be afraid to try hard things because they may fail and not get the praise for the good performance. But if they get praise for their effort, they will consistently make the effort because that is what will get them praise.

When you praise your children for the effort they make and for doing what you expect them to do, they will continue to make the effort and they will continue to do what is expected. When they learn to do this as kids, they will continue to do this as adults. You will have taught them to do this without screaming and threatening, but with praise and pride.

You will be setting yourself up to have a wonderful relationship with your kids for many years to come. And isn't that what you really want? To have a wonderful relationship with your kids when they are great, productive, happy adults?!

No Man Is An Island

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I just heard some fascinating research about positive psychology and cities. We all know the stereotypes. We all think that New Yorkers are brusk, perhaps even obnoxious. We think of Los Angelenos as friendlier if not a little shallow. And we think of Atlantans as very warm and welcoming southerners. The first question we should ask is whether these stereotypes are true. The second question we should ask is, “If it is true, how does it affect us and our kids?”

We now have some answers to these questions. Two researchers, Nansoon Park and Chris Peterson, looked at the results from the Values In Action Survey of Strengths by city.

San Francisco, Los Angeles and Oakland were the cities with the greatest number of people who had the strengths of (1) appreciation of beauty, (2) creativity, (3) curiosity and (4) love of learning. Park and Peterson called these “Strengths of the Head” since they are all more intellectual strengths. This means that if you live in one of these cities, you are surrounding yourself with people who are more intellectual, creative and who love learning. There will probably be more opportunities for you to introduce your children to these strengths and for them to interact with people who have these strengths.

El Paso, Mesa, Miami and Virginia Beach rated highest for strengths of the heart like (1) fairness, (2) forgiveness (3) gratitude and (4) hope. There are more in this list but you get the idea that these people are probably more interested in other people rather than art or learning. You might say these cities have a lot of “people” people.

What does this mean for you and your kids? I am not suggesting that you pick up and move to a city that has the qualities that you are looking for. But realizing that your city may be stronger in one area or another allows you to try to make up the “deficit” and make sure to expose your children (and yourself) to other things in your city.

When children are exposed to many different kinds of activities they are likely to become more curious about many different things and more likely to find their own natural talent. If a child has “an artist” inside of them and they are only exposed to sports, they may be very frustrated when they cannot find a career that seems to suit them.

Cities often have a variety of activities for children. While Silicon Valley cities are more likely to have computer activities for kids, I am sure you can also find art activities. And while Boston may have more history related activities, you can search out some martial arts.

You have to realize that where you live has an affect on you and on your children. You may be happy about the affect your city has or you may realize that there are things you want to fill in. Simply being aware of is the first step toward addressing areas that might be weak or missing.

Allow Your Child To Be the Master Of His Body

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Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. Jim Rohn

I remember when my oldest son was born, it was November. He was born in Los Angeles and my Mom came from New York for the big event. My mother insisted on dressing him to go home from the hospital. Being a New Yorker (and since it was the beginning of winter,) she put on a onesie, then put him in a sweater outfit and then wrapped him in a blanket. And then, do you know how long you have to wait for a wheelchair to transport you out of the hospital because they don't allow you to walk out on your own? Well, it was Thanksgiving Day and we had to wait for over an hour before we could leave. There was my new son inside a Los Angeles hospital all bundled up. Of course my son couldn't really communicate yet since he was only 5 days old, but I am willing to bet that if he could have, he might have mentioned that he was warm and could we please take off a layer or two.

Since then he has learned to communicate quite well and he has often asked to take off layers and to be dressed less warmly than I thought appropriate. He is now an adult so he no longer asks, but, I have to admit, there were many times when he requested to dress lightly and I did not honor those requests. I recently listened to an interview with Steve Sisgold who spoke about discovering and honoring your child's body wisdom, something that, in these instances, I did not do.

It is so important to listen to our kids when they tell us what is happening in their body. For example, when they tell us at dinner that they are full, do we ask them to finish what is on their plate? (When I was growing up, the line my mother used was “There are children starving in Africa” How did my finishing my food have any connection to them not having food???)

Our kids know if they are full or hungry, and we should listen to them. And if you think that they might get hungry later on, then leave the plate with the food on it in the refrigerator. Yes, it is a bit more of a pain and you will have to wash that dish separately, but think about the relationship your child will have with his or her body and the relationship they will have with food! If they only eat when they are hungry they will never be overweight. If they listen to their body and eat the foods their body tells them to eat, they will have all the nutrients they need.

It is similar to listening to our kids if they say they are warm and want to take off one layer. I don't think any child ever got hypothermia from taking off one layer during the fall. I am not saying you should allow them to play outside in the snows of Alaska for the three hours in just a t-shirt, I am saying that we should honor and respect out children's opinions and requests, especially when it comes to their own body!

And this could extend to dress as well. Honor their choices and honor their opinions. Not necessarily with anything and everything, but in general, honor them. You may give your opinion as to why you think a piece of clothing may not be appropriate, but try to honor them. This will lead to your child honoring themselves, and, in the end, they will honor you as

How Meditation Can Help You And Your Child

An Added Benefit Of Reading Every Day

Be Proud Of Your Kids And Let Them Know

No Man Is An Island

Allow Your Child To Be the Master Of His Body

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