2011 January | Positive Parent Plus | Practical Parenting Help

Does Your Child Believe In Reality? Do You?

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. ~Jennifer Yane

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein

I chose two quotes for today's newsletter because there are two distinct views of reality. One, represented by the first quote, is that reality is real, whether or not we choose to accept it. The second view, represented by Albert Einstein, no less, is that reality is flexible.

Which of these is correct? According to which view should we raise our kids? My answer is “both”.

Let's be serious. Every time we fight with gravity, gravity will win. If you jump off the top of a bunk bed, there is a very good chance you will break an arm or a leg. That is reality and you cannot fight with that.

A common fight that people have with reality is the weather. Every winter it gets cold and rainy, every summer it gets hot and humid. It is what it is. No amount of complaining will change that.

A more personal example is when my son complains to me that Johnny in his class is annoying, I remind him that Johnny has been annoying for 6 years now. That is the reality of Johnny. While it would be nice if we could wave a magic wand and change Johnny, the reality is that we cannot.

On the other hand, How my son reacts to Johnny is another story entirely! And here, my son can change his reality. Because the truth is, Johnny is Johnny. My son perceives him as annoying and reacts to him as annoying. My son can change his reaction and, thereby, change his reality. This is obviously different if Johnny is hitting or otherwise being physical. But as long as Johnny is only using words, my sons reality is in his own hands.

How my son reacts to Johnny will, in many ways, determine my sons future reality. If he gets upset and sulks off, he will be missing some serious social skills. On the other hand, if he learns to let it slide and he stays engaged, he will have a more rewarding social life. There is a lot of research that this is the most important key to being happy in life. So it is crucial that my son learn to get along and stay engaged with his friends.

I actually have spoken to my son on many occasions about not getting upset. When I recently asked him about another way to deal with the situation when Johnny upset him, he said, “I could angry and take it out on someone else.” I had to point out that he could also not get angry at all.

So it is not easy to teach our kids about dealing with reality and choosing our reaction. But it is so important. When our kids get this important skill, they will likely have many good relationships, including their relationship with you!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Random Acts Of Kindness

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. - Author Unknown

The unknown author of today's quote missed an important point. Once you start treating the rude person with politeness, you will no longer perceive him or her as rude!

I have written before about “cognitive dissonance” which simply means that humans do not like to hold two opposing thoughts in their mind at the same time. This plays out in children when they have to blame the other kids for starting a fight. Your child might think something like this: I want to think of myself as a good person. Good people don't fight with others for no reason. Therefore, if I fought with Johnny today, I must have a good reason. That reason must be – Johnny started it.

Your child may have a hard time holding the two thoughts that they are a good person and that they did not have a good reason for fighting with Johnny at the same time. The only way for your child to make sense of this is to say that Johnny had it coming.

This very often plays out among siblings. If two siblings are always fighting, they might get used to the idea that their brother or sister is a bad kid and deserves to be bothered or fought with.

So how can you stop this vicious cycle? One way is through random acts of kindness. If I do something nice for Johnny, I will have a hard time believing that Johnny is worthy of fighting or rudeness and that Johnny is a bad kid. He is either one or the other. If we can get our kids to do just a few kind acts to Johnny or just a few nice things for their brother or sister, then we can break the cycle and end the fighting.

Another way to accomplish this is to simply talk about Johnny's redeeming qualities. Perhaps Johnny is a good sport. Or perhaps Johnny is helpful in class. When you discuss ways that Johnny is not a bad kid, you create cognitive dissonance between Johnny being a good kid and me fighting with Johnny.

Yet another way to accomplish this is to invite Johnny over for a playdate. Once I get to play with Johnny and experience his good qualities, I will no longer be able to fight with him without creating cognitive dissonance.

There is one more possibility, and this goes back to our quote. You can convince your child that they are nice and that nice kids don't fight. This may be the best choice for the long term. Once your child sees themselves as a nice kid, and they believe that nice kids don't fight, are not rude and are friendly, they will act nicely.

This will also help smooth out relationships at home between siblings. If I am a nice kid and my brother is a nice kid, we won't be fighting. This will set your kids up for a life-long relationship of love and respect for their siblings – and probably you as well!

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Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Do You Want To Raise A Courageous Child?

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is certainly a character trait that we want in ourselves and in our children. But what makes someone courageous? How can we foster courage? And, perhaps most important, Can we even agree on an answer to “What is courage?”

As Redmoon tells us, courage does not mean that we have no fear. In fact, quite the opposite, if you have no fear, you have nothing to overcome so you don't need courage. You can only be courageous when you have fear and you figure out a way to overcome the fear and do what needs to be done anyway.

This tells us that there are as many kinds of courage as there are fear. To help your child be courageous, you have to find out what they fear.

A child who is afraid to feel foolish if they try to make a goal and miss, will build courage by trying to make a goal that is “iffy”. A child who is afraid that his or her classmates will laugh at them if they get up in front of the class shows courage by making that speech in front of the class.

Now one might say that you can live your whole life without these forms of courage and you can still be happy. After all, many people have never made a goal in soccer and I have seen that as many as 75% of people have a fear of public speaking.

But think, for a moment, about the courage of Rosa Parks, or the courage of Gandhi. Or for a more modern example, think about the courage of the many dissidents in China or Iran who are jailed for speaking their views in public.

Does your child have the courage to ignore ridicule if a classmate is being treated poorly? Does your child have the courage to speak their mind if all their friends will disagree? Being courageous is important if it means that a victim will be saved.

The way to become courageous is by doing courageous things. Talk to your child about what they fear and about overcoming those fears. Talk to your child about doing the right thing even if it means others may not agree with you.

Another way to teach courage is by talking to your child about situations in which you overcame fear. Perhaps it was a fear of public speaking. Perhaps it was a fear of asking for a raise.

When children get to practice courage and are taught the value of courage, they will learn to be courageous. This is an important skill and value in life.

And by sharing their values, you will create a better relationship with them and help them to become great kids and great people!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Are Your Responses Just Right?

“Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows.” – Ben Stein

I recently read about some research on what makes good marriages. Of course, there is a ton of research about why marriages go bad. Dr Shelly Gable looks at what goes right in a good marriage.

One of the important factors, not surprisingly, is how one spouse responds to the other's news. You might think it is all about showing empathy when your spouse relates bad news. For example, how you respond when your husband comes home and tells you he has been laid off of work. But Dr Gable actually looks at how we respond to good news.

There are four possible responses. As an example from my own life, I was recently asked to create a new course at the university where I teach. When I told my wife this news, one way she could have responded was by being both positive and enthusiastic – “Wow, great, I'm so proud of you.” Another possible way was positive and subdued – “Good news.” A third possibility would have been enthusiastically negative – “Oh my, that will be a lot of work, and what if they don't accept your proposal after you do the work. And that may mean another evening class.” The final possibility was passive and negative – “Oh, okay, by the way, the market was out of your favorite kind of cereal.”

It is pretty obvious which is the best way to respond. (And, yes, my wife was very positive and very enthusiastic and immediately began to tell her family and our friends. I think she was more positive and enthusiastic than I was!)

To give you another example from my life, seven or eight years ago when I decided to run a marathon, I told my father. His response was, “Don't hurt yourself. You know running a marathon can be bad for your ankles and knees” or something to that effect. Now I know that my father said this only out of love and concern for me, I have no doubt about that. But that love and concern did not make me feel very good at the moment.

The reason the first response is so powerful is because of something psychologists call “capitalizing”. You take the pleasure of the present moment and capitalize on it and spiral the positive emotions upward. And this is a key to strong relationships.

Some of us are very good at responding actively and enthusiastically. And we reap the rewards in wonderful relationships with our spouses and kids.

Some of us have trouble responding enthusiastically when we are distracted. So if we are at the game when our child's team wins the game, we will pick them up and jump up and down. But what if they tell us when we are in the middle of watching a football game? Or reading our email? (The email is my downfall!)

And sometimes, out of love and concern, we respond negatively, like my Dad did. I am not saying we shouldn't be concerned. But perhaps we should bring it up later on. First, let's give an enthusiastic response and then brainstorm how to overcome any problems.

So think a little bit about how you respond when your children (or spouse) come home with good news. And think about if there is room for improvement. If you keep improving, you will create a better relationship with your kids!

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Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Does Your Child Believe In Reality? Do You?

Random Acts Of Kindness

Do You Want To Raise A Courageous Child?

Are Your Responses Just Right?

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