Practical Ways To Teach Our Kids To Be Non-Judgmental

“It takes a good deal of character to judge a person by his future instead of his past” – Ralph Waldo Emerson(?)

You have most probably heard the story of the man who gets onto a subway in New York City at a very late hour with many of his kids in tow. The kids are being very boisterous, to put it mildly, and the man is distracted and not controlling them at all. A fellow passenger is getting more and more annoyed until she finally says something to him about controlling his kids. He looks up, still distracted and when he understands what the lady is saying he apologizes. “I'm sorry. I am just coming from the hospital where my wife just passed away and I am thinking about how things are going to be different.”

While most of us never verbalize our judgments about others to them, that doesn't stop us from thinking them. And often, we tell our judgments to others – also known as gossip. This really is a scourge in our society.

If we look at it from the perspective of evolution, it makes sense that we have a negative bias, always seeing the worst possible outcome. If you were a hunter walking in the meadow and the grass started rustling, you had to decide if it was the wind moving the grass or if it was a lion getting ready to pounce on you. If you has a positive bias and thought it was the wind but it was really a lion, you were in really big trouble. On the other hand, if you had a negative bias and you thought it was a lion and it was really the wind, you would run and nothing would happen. You would get to laugh about it the next day. From this perspective, a negative bias is a good thing. But, like so many things that served our species well 10,000 years ago, we have to change with the new reality that faces us.

Today, having a negative bias about people distances us from them. As Mother Theresa tells us, it prevents us from loving one another. And it certainly does not help to create good relationships.

Even most adults don't realize this, so how could we expect that our kids will know it intuitively? We have to teach them to minimize their judgment of others. How do we do this?

First, our kids have to be aware of it. We could do this by telling them how we ourselves are sometimes judgmental of someone. How we realize we were doing it and how we stop ourselves. Also, if our kids are ever being judgmental, we can gently tell them that it is not such a good idea.

The next step is to accept people just the way they are. We know that we really cannot change others, heck, we can barely change ourselves. So instead of “knocking our head against the wall”, just accept people as they are.

Finally, love them. Love the people that we are judging. I know it is difficult, but if your kids practice this, they will be loving to everyone – to strangers, to friends, to you, and most importantly, to themselves! And wouldn't that be nice!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Here Is A Practical Way To Teach Your Child Self-Compassion

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. ~Sonya Friedman

I read some fascinating research about a program that help people to stop smoking. The rationale behind the research was that when people are trying to stop smoking, they are stressed. When people are stressed, they usually have negative self-talk. If the smokers were able to practice self-compassion, they were more likely to not go back to smoking.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if we taught this to our kids. Imagine if our kids were able to practice this compassionate mind therapy on themselves whenever they were in a stressful situation. They would always be level-headed and thinking straight.

The reason practicing self-compassion works is because what we conjure up in our mind has the same effect on our body as if it was actually happening. If being in a stressful situation causes our body to produce adrenaline, then thinking about a stressful situation also produces adrenaline. So when we are stressed, even though we will not be running or fighting, our body gets ready to that – fight or flight. Our body gets more blood to our arms and legs and gets less blood to our brains. The rationale is simple, running from a tiger doesn't take much thought but your legs better be working as best they can!

Now, if your son or daughter is taking a test and they are very stressed, their body will be producing adrenaline. But here the system doesn't work. Now they need as much blood going to their brain as possible, not less! But the adrenaline will be sending extra blood to their legs – what a waste!

So we should be teaching our kid ways to not get stressed. And compassionate mind training is one such way. The compassionate mind training is done by having each participant imagine their own perfect compassionate person. Who is it that can always comfort them? How old are they? What do they look like? What does your most compassionate person think to themselves? What is their voice like? Now integrate that person into you!

In the smoking program, the smokers then had their “compassionate person” write them a letter saying how proud they were that they were quitting smoking, knowing that there would be hard times and supporting them no matter what. Then, every time the participant wanted a cigarette, they would conjure up their compassionate self.

Imagine what this could do for our kids! Every time they are in a situation where there is peer-pressure, they would have a compassionate self there to help them. Every time they were in a tense situation , their compassionate self could calm them down. They would never need to turn to cigarettes or other destructive habits!

And, of course, if they have a wonderful relationship with themselves, they will certainly have a wonderful relationship with their friends and their friends will be happy to spend time with them.

And, best of all, this will do wonders for their relationship with you!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Love And Respect

“Men are respectable only as they respect” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was recently asked if we can get our kids to both love and respect us. My answer was, “Sure!”

Some people seem to believe that the way to have their kids respect them is to be very disciplined, to “show the kids who's boss.” As I have written before, I think the best way to get kids to respect you is to teach them by being a role model.

What does respect look like? One thing it might look like is when people stand in a courtroom when the judge walks in. This is a very formal, perhaps old school type of respect, but I think it does have value. I remember when I was in high school, when a teacher or principal walked in, we stood up. There was certainly never a question of who was in charge and where “the buck stopped.” But I think it lacked a certain warmth and closeness. That was the atmosphere that my school was shooting for. This still exists in some schools where teachers are addressed by “Mr.” or “Mrs.”

At home, this might might be seen as a child never sitting in their parents chair at the table or never interrupting their parent. While this system certainly teaches a child to respect the institution or the position, I think there is a deeper respect that is not taught through this system.

As an example, when I was doing my doctoral studies, I called my advisor by his first name and there were few formalities between us. But with or without those formalities, I very much respected his ideas and opinions on education. I respected him because of his knowledge and wisdom. More than that, I respected him because he respected my ideas and opinions on education and life. Every question I asked was worthy of a thoughtful response. Every one of my opinions was worthy of consideration.

When I think about teaching my sons to respect me and my wife, this is what I think of. It would bother me much less if they sit in my chair at the table and much more that they dismiss my opinion without considering it. And I teach this by modeling it – I consider their opinion and if, in the end, I reject it, I give them a very good reason for disagreeing. This show of respect is much more important.

As for love, I think that is also an easy one. I get my kids to love me by loving them. And that love is unconditional. So for example, when my son vehemently disagreed with me, storming out of the house and slamming the door, the next time I saw him I told him that I loved him even though he was hurtful. And my actions toward him did not change. I did not punish him or stop talking to him or anything like that. I loved him just the same.

So as an answer to the question, “How can we get our kids to both love and respect us?” my answer is, “Love and respect them!” And when you practice this day after day, in every interaction with your child, you end up with a relationship that is the envy of all your peers!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Be Nice

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Brault

I recently read a list of “101 Things You Should Do If You Are Divorced With Kids” or something like that. It was things like “Don't ask your kids what happened at your ex's house” and “Don't fight in front of your kids”. Advice that is pretty commonsensical. I don't think most people who are divorced need to be told this, but a reminder never hurts.

There was one thing missing that really bothered me. The list did not include being nice to your ex!

Of course, we all tell our kids that they should be nice to the people in their lives. It is easy to be nice to your friends, it actually comes quite naturally. If you ask most people why they are nice to their friends, they would have a hard time answering. Just like it is difficult to explain how to breathe! We just do it! We rarely have to remind our kids to be nice to their friends.

We sometimes have to remind our children to be nice to new people. For example, when a new kid joins the class we often encourage our children to make the first gesture of friendship. Here the obstacle is, perhaps, awkwardness. But there usually is not a lot of resistance.

So far, we see that it is easy to be nice to someone we like. And it is not difficult to be nice to someone “neutral”. Now comes the more difficult part.

The difficult part comes when there is someone we don't like. Here is the real challenge and here is where the “teaching moment” with our kids comes in.

Yes, you should be nice to the people you don't like. There are many benefits to being nice to people you don't like, and the best possibility is that you will eventually like them and they will like you. Perhaps we don't like them because of a misunderstanding that, once cleared up, can become a point of partnership and friendship.

Also, when you are nice to many people, you increase your social circle. Research has shown that having a bigger group of friends has many benefits in health and happiness. Other people will notice your extra effort and will be willing to help you when needed. You can also widen your sphere of influence this way and become the “go to” person.

I am, in no way, advocating that you tell your kids to become a “sucker” for other people. They can actually extend a hand of friendship from a position of strength rather than a position of weakness. They don't need the other person's friendship, they are simply offering their own.

Of course, the best way to teach this is to model it for your children. And if you happen to be divorced, there would be so many benefits of acting this way. You would be teaching your children an important lesson, you would be lowering the stress with your ex, and you will truly be improving yourself!

This would truly be win, win, win all around!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Achieving Goals Can Be As Simple As A, B, C

“Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.” ~Bo Jackson

Ah! If only it were that easy! We all know that we should set goals. We all know that we should write down our goals. But then comes the part about “don't stop till you get there ” and things get complicated. (If you want help with goals or goal setting, drop me a note, I have a lot of resources to help you.)

I read a very interesting piece of research about reaching our goals. It speaks directly to the whole idea of not getting tripped up on the way to our goals.

In contrast to what Bo Jackson says in today's quote, the second step to achieving your goals is to believe that you can. Whether we believe we can achieve our goal or not is affected by many sources of information and, in turn, affects our ability to achieve a goal. These sources include whether we have done something similar before, whether we know someone else who has achieved a similar goal, encouragement from others and our psychological states. For example, when I was working on my doctorate, I was pretty confident. I had been successful in school before, I knew other people who had completed a doctoral degree and my wife and my advisor were very encouraging.

This leads us to step one with your kids. They are more likely to believe that they will reach a goal if (1) you point out to them similar things they did in the past, (2) other people they know who have done similar things and (3) you give them encouragement.

As an example, I once had a client whose son wanted to play basketball but when he got to the “tryouts” he got nervous and didn't want to go onto the court. What may have helped was if my client had talked to her son and pointed out similar situations where he had succeeded, like going into a big class at school, We also might have pointed out to the child that Johnny from his class and Jimmy from down the block both go out to the court and play basketball. And finally, which of course Mom already did, would be to give her son lots of encouragement.

The key part of the research was changing the students “inner-speech”. Whenever we have goals, we always start with a lot of spirit and determination. Once we hit a problem, some of us start to give up. How can we avoid that? The researchers found that all we have to do is plan to be successful.

The researchers gave high school girls a difficult math test. One group was told to use the the self-talk ‘‘I will correctly solve as many problems as possible!’’. Certainly upbeat and positive … but not enough. The second group was also given the statement ‘‘And if I start a new problem, then I will tell myself: I can solve it!’’ Not greatly different, but the girls did almost twice as well! WOW!

Just by telling themselves that they could do it, the girls were able to double their scores. First of all, this tells us a lot about positive self-talk. It really does work and it works really well. Depending on our self-talk, we can double our efforts and successes.

Second, this tells us something about how we should structure our self-talk. We should tells ourselves that we can do it. That simple statement, “I can solve it!” did amazing things for the girls taking the math test.

We could teach our kids to use this before tests, during sports competitions or before stressful situations. Just imagine how our kids will feel knowing they can double their chances of success!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Happy children make happy adults

New research links well-being in adolescence with life satisfaction in adulthood

Being a 'happy' teenager is linked to increased well-being in adulthood, new research finds.

Much is known about the associations between a troubled childhood and mental health problems, but little research has examined the affect of a positive childhood. For the first time, researchers from the University of Cambridge and the MRC Unit for Lifelong Health and Ageing have analysed the link between a positive adolescence and well-being in midlife.

Using information from 2776 individuals who participated in the 1946 British birth cohort study, the scientists tested associations between having a positive childhood and well-being in adulthood.

A 'positive' childhood was based on teacher evaluations of students' levels of happiness, friendship and energy at the ages of 13 and 15. A student was given a positive point for each of the following four items – whether the child was 'very popular with other children', 'unusually happy and contented', 'makes friends extremely easily' and 'extremely energetic, never tired'. Teachers also rated conduct problems (restlessness, daydreaming, disobedience, lying, etc) and emotional problems (anxiety, fearfulness, diffidence, avoidance of attention, etc).

The researchers then linked these ratings to the individuals' mental health, work experience, relationships and social activities several decades later. They found that teenagers rated positively by their teachers were significantly more likely than those who received no positive ratings to have higher levels of well-being later in life, including a higher work satisfaction, more frequent contact with family and friends, and more regular engagement in social and leisure activities.

Happy children were also much less likely than others to develop mental disorders throughout their lives – 60% less likely than young teens that had no positive ratings.

The study not only failed to find a link between being a happy child and an increased likelihood of becoming married, they found that the people who had been happy children were actually more likely to get divorced. One possible factor suggested by the researchers is that happier people have higher self-esteem or self-efficacy and are therefore more willing and able to leave an unhappy marriage.

"The benefits to individuals, families and to society of good mental health, positive relationships and satisfying work are likely to be substantial," said Professor Felicia Huppert, one of the authors of the paper and Director of the Well-being Institute at the University of Cambridge. "The findings support the view that even at this time of great financial hardship, policymakers should prioritise the well-being of our children so they have the best possible start in life."

Dr Marcus Richards, co-author of the paper from the MRC Unit for Lifelong Health and Ageing, said: "Most longitudinal studies focus on the negative impact of early mental problems, but the 1946 birth cohort also shows clear and very long-lasting positive consequences of mental well-being in childhood."

For the study, the researchers adjusted for social class of origin, childhood intelligence and education.

###

For additional information please contact:
Genevieve Maul, Office of Communications, University of Cambridge
Tel: direct, +44 (0) 1223 765542, +44 (0) 1223 332300
Mob: +44 (0) 7774 017464
Email: Genevieve.maul@admin.cam.ac.uk

Notes to editors:

1. The paper 'Do positive children become positive adults? Evidence from a longitudinal birth cohort study' was published in the January print edition of The Journal of Positive Psychology.

Practical Ways To Teach Our Kids To Be Non-Judgmental

Here Is A Practical Way To Teach Your Child Self-Compassion

Love And Respect

Be Nice

Achieving Goals Can Be As Simple As A, B, C

Happy children make happy adults

New research links well-being in adolescence with life satisfaction in adulthood

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