2011 April | Positive Parent Plus | Practical Parenting Help

Why We Should Teach Our Children To Be Grateful

Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life. ~ Joel Osteen

In addition to all the other good reasons to be happy, I recently read some research about why we humans are grateful.

Firstly, gratitude lets the other person know that you received benefit from them. The more benefit we receive, the more grateful we are. Apparently, we are also more grateful if the giver has no ulterior motives. I thought about kids when I read this. I guess it makes sense that our kids are more grateful to strangers than they are to us, they may perceive that we have an ulterior motive – namely, we are their parents.

Another good reason to be grateful is that when we are grateful, the “giver” is more likely to continue giving. So, for example, if our children regularly thank their teacher for help, the teacher is more likely to continue giving help. A very practical example of this is that when a waiter or waitress writes “Thank You” on the bill, the diner is more likely to leave a larger tip. So in a selfish way, being grateful will benefit ourselves and our children.

Now here is one of the things that surprised me the most. Researchers found that those people who were most grateful, acted the nicest. The word they used was “prosocial” behavior which means that you act in a way that is helpful toward others and toward the group. So when we teach our kids to be grateful, they become more helpful and they will “fit into” the group better.

They were also more likely to help the person they were grateful to and they were more likely to help complete strangers. So it was not just reciprocity that drove the grateful to be helpful, being grateful actually makes you a nicer person!

Another experiment showed that when people journaled for two weeks about what they were grateful for, they offered more emotional support to friends and they also offered more tangible help. Also, people who are more grateful are more trusting.

But here may be the most important reason to teach your kids to be grateful. I know from my experience as a teacher, and any teacher will agree, that when a child thinks they are in control, they will work harder. And it makes sense. If I control the outcome, then I will work harder to become more successful. If it is out of my hands (the teacher doesn't like me) then I won't bother trying harder.

Well, kids who are grateful tend to attribute another person's good fortune to stable causes under their control rather than attribute good fortune to pure luck.

It is so important for kids to feel in control of their fate. It is also important for kids to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes.

I have not discussed much about how to get kids to be grateful, but I will give you just one simple strategy. Ask them what they are grateful for! At least once a day, ask you child to complete the sentence, “I am so happy and grateful that _______!” That's it.

And when you and your kids are grateful, nicer, more helpful, and take responsibility, just imagine how great a relationship you will have!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Have You Thanked Your Child Today?

The best way to teach a child to be grateful is to be grateful. ~Shaya Kass

I know a couple that is truly a model for all marriages. It is not particularly surprising that they are not the wealthiest couple that I know. They don't live in the biggest house, they don't have the hardest or easiest jobs. I can go on and on about how they are pretty average in external measures. What is striking, is that that they each are very grateful for what the other brings to the marriage and the relationship. Each person has their own strengths and the other appreciates those strengths.

I just read a wonderful research study that explains them. This study was done in North Carolina with 50 couples who had been married an average of 20 years. The researchers measured three things, satisfaction with the relationship, how much each partner felt gratitude and how much each partner expressed gratitude.

What is truly surprising is that more than expressing gratitude, how much partner #1 felt gratitude was strongly related to how much partner #2 was satisfied with the relationship. Imagine that! If I want my wife to be satisfied with our relationship, all I have to do is feel gratitude for her.

If I had to guess as to why this was, I would think it was because we send off subliminal signals. The researchers wrote about how sometimes we say something yet our partner can get an underlying message that we are not saying with words. Bottom line, the people we are close to understand our non-verbal communication.

Now what I am about to say is not shown or proven by this study. But I am willing to bet that this works with our kids as well. If I want my child to feel satisfied with our relationship, I have to be grateful for him and what he brings to my life.

This is not so difficult to do. All you have to do is remember what it is they do for you and why you love them. In the coaching lingo we call this “mindfulness”. Be mindful of how great your kids are. Think about how they enrich your life – and think about this everyday.

All too often, we get caught up in the day-to-day problems. In my house, it is often that my kids don't wash their dishes. It has come to the point that a pot may sit for three or four days because my wife and I are tired of washing their dishes for them. So I have to make sure that I don't let this frustration get in the way of loving my kids and remembering all the wonderful things they bring to my life.

Is it scientifically proven that this will work? No. But I can tell you that it works in my house. Try it in yours. I can promise you that it will not hurt and it may ensure a wonderful, rewarding relationship with your kids.

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Request your free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Happiness, comparatively speaking: How we think about life’s rewards

You win some, you lose some. You get the perfect job—the one your heart is set on. Or you get snubbed. You win the girl (or guy) of your dreams—or you strike out. Such are life’s ups and downs.

But what if you win and lose at the same time? You land a good job—but not a great one. Or you do get a plum offer—but not the one you wanted?

A study published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, says you’ll find a way to be happy anyway.

“Good outcomes have relative value and absolute value, and that affects our happiness,” explains Carnegie Mellon assistant professor Karim S. Kassam, who conducted the study with Carnegie colleague Carey K. Morewedge, Daniel T. Gilbert of Harvard University, and Timothy D. Wilson of the University of Virginia.

If you’re a “winner”—you get the best, relative to the alternatives—you’re happy regardless of the prize’s absolute value.

“Losers”—who win something less valuable than the alternative—may at first be disappointed, but they usually come around. “People are motivated to think about things in the best possible light,” says Kassam. So they move on to reflect on the absolute value, and find satisfaction there.

To test these phenomena, the authors ran two experiments. In the first, 297 people on the Boston streets were given lottery tickets. They were asked to scratch off one side and received cash in the amount printed underneath–$1, $3, $5, or $7. Then they scratched off the other side, revealing either a higher or lower amount. Afterwards, they completed questionnaires rating their happiness, disappointment, or regret.

The “winners” (who got the bigger of two amounts) were, unsurprisingly, happier than the losers—but also equally happy with any prize. The losers’ happiness, by contrast, increased with the prize amounts.

How does this work? A second experiment tested the hypothesis that the losers think harder to find happiness. The researchers distracted the participants brains while asking them to consider differing rewards.

In four trials, 31 participants were asked to memorize either a two- or an eight-digit number and choose one of two boxes with prize amounts ($3 or $5) inside, which were displayed on a screen. At the end, they were told, they’d receive the amount in one of their chosen boxes, randomly selected. Then both boxes opened. Unknown to the participants, the design made them all losers—they’d always pick the lesser amount. The combinations of memory difficulty—“cognitive load”—and cash received ($3 or $5) varied. In each trial, participants rated their feelings.

Again, larger prizes made these losers happier—but only when they had enough brainpower to think about it. Under higher cognitive load, they were glad to get either amount.

“When you win something, it’s always a positive experience,” says Kassam. “But if there’s this tinge of negative affect, that motivates people to rationalize, to reframe things in a way that will make them happy.” The good news: even if you can’t do that extra thinking, you’ll settle—for happiness.

###

For more information about this study, please contact: Karim S. Kassam at kskassam@cmu.edu.

Why We Should Teach Our Children To Be Grateful

Have You Thanked Your Child Today?

Happiness, comparatively speaking: How we think about life’s rewards

You win some, you lose some. You get the perfect job—the one your heart is set on. Or you get snubbed. You win the girl (or guy) of your dreams—or you strike out. Such are life’s ups and downs.

Recent Posts