2011 June | Positive Parent Plus | Practical Parenting Help

If We Teach Our Kids To “Act As If . . .”, They Are Going To Be Successful

To guarantee success, act as if it were impossible to fail. ~ Dorothea Brande

None of us have to teach a child up to age 4 to act as if. It is so wonderful to watch kids this age play because they “get into it” completely. If a little girl is having tea with The Queen of England, as far as she is concerned, sitting across from her is The Queen of England. When a little boy is an astronaut flying to the Moon, they are on the way, I hoped you packed them a lunch!

Some would say that kids under age 5 or 6 don't fully grasp reality. That they cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. This is a good thing because they use it as a learning opportunity. As they get older and, perhaps, more jaded, they lose this ability.

Once a child loses this ability and understands the difference between reality and fantasy, they often look at reality and it scares them. What if they try flying to the moon and they fail? What if they invite The Queen for tea and she turns down their invitation?

This kind of thinking causes people to fail before they even try. The obvious solution to this problem is to try even if you might fail. This brings to mind a quote by Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100% of the shots that you never take!” which leads us to the opening quote.

We have to help our kids learn to take the chance and act as if they cannot fail. They might still fail, but they might be wildly successful.

Having this attitude will give our kids a ton of confidence. Of course, they need confidence to have this attitude. It is sort of a chicken and egg situation. So we have to help them create a little bit of confidence so that it will grow.

Of course, the result of having this attitude will be that they will begin to see some results. Those results will give them more confidence and it becomes an upward spiral.

Once our kids start seeing results they get really proud of what they are doing. They are so proud that they start taking some more risks and their confidence grows some more and so on and so on.

At this point, even if they experience some failures, they have the confidence to keep on trying. Part of this was proven by a researcher, Carol Dweck who showed that kids who believe that their accomplishments are a result of their hard work are more likely to persevere. On the other hand, kids who believe that their accomplishments are the result of a talent that they were born with will be afraid to try again after a failure, most probably because they may not know how to create success again.

To accomplish this upward spiral of confidence, we can simply talk to our kids about their efforts. Simply asking them what they might try if they knew they could not fail will get them thinking.

The second step would be to ask them what the worst possible outcome will be if they fail. Would it simply be embarrassment? This might be reframed as pride in having tried. Might they feel “stupid”? This can be reframed as being smarter in that they now know what does not work.

What ever it is that we do, we have to help our kids create this upward spiral of confidence. It will serve them well for their whole lives!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

3 Small Steps To Help Our Kids Break Out Of Their Comfort Zone

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” ~Abraham Maslow

As Dr Maslow tells us in today's quote, we are either moving forward or moving backward. And moving forward means overcoming the fear to grow out of our comfort zone.

Of course, we all want our kids to grow and to do that we have to help them a little bit. Sometimes we help them by holding their hand and sometimes we help them by “pushing them out of the nest” and watching them grow wings on the way down.

So what should we do to help our kids grow out of their comfort zone? Three of the many things is to help them to realize that it won't kill them, to help them to take small steps and to help them keep their eye on the goal.

As Maslow told us, fear has to be overcome every single time we are trying to grow. Our kids may not realize this. They may even become so used to the chemicals in their body that are created when they feel fear, that fear feels normal and confidence feels abnormal. They simply have to overcome the fear.

You can help them with this by, first of all, naming the fear. They may not even know what they are afraid of, just a general feeling of fear. Once you ask them to name it and they talk about it, they may realize that there is nothing to fear in the first place.

Once they leave the grip of fear, we can help them with small steps toward reaching their goal. You most probably remember when your kids were little and you wanted them to stay in a playgroup or daycare alone, you began by playing with them on the floor. Then you may have said something like, “My legs are hurting, I am going to sit on the chair at the end of the room and you stay here and play.” Then you said, “I have to go to the bathroom, I will be back in one minute.” And this way you “eased” yourself out of the room and it was not too traumatic for them (or for you.) You gave them little steps to independence.

Similarly, with anything that they are fearing, give them little steps to the big goal.

And finally, we have to help them to keep their eyes on the goal. They have to be reminded why they are going through the discomfort. That will help them to get through it and to achieve their goals.

This, of course, is an important life lesson. How many people do you know who are paralyzed by fear from doing something that is important to them. Whether it be speaking to a potential mate to starting their own business.

These simple steps will set your child on a lifelong path of doing what it takes to grow and flourish.