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If We Teach Our Kids To “Act As If . . .”, They Are Going To Be Successful

To guarantee success, act as if it were impossible to fail. ~ Dorothea Brande

None of us have to teach a child up to age 4 to act as if. It is so wonderful to watch kids this age play because they “get into it” completely. If a little girl is having tea with The Queen of England, as far as she is concerned, sitting across from her is The Queen of England. When a little boy is an astronaut flying to the Moon, they are on the way, I hoped you packed them a lunch!

Some would say that kids under age 5 or 6 don't fully grasp reality. That they cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. This is a good thing because they use it as a learning opportunity. As they get older and, perhaps, more jaded, they lose this ability.

Once a child loses this ability and understands the difference between reality and fantasy, they often look at reality and it scares them. What if they try flying to the moon and they fail? What if they invite The Queen for tea and she turns down their invitation?

This kind of thinking causes people to fail before they even try. The obvious solution to this problem is to try even if you might fail. This brings to mind a quote by Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100% of the shots that you never take!” which leads us to the opening quote.

We have to help our kids learn to take the chance and act as if they cannot fail. They might still fail, but they might be wildly successful.

Having this attitude will give our kids a ton of confidence. Of course, they need confidence to have this attitude. It is sort of a chicken and egg situation. So we have to help them create a little bit of confidence so that it will grow.

Of course, the result of having this attitude will be that they will begin to see some results. Those results will give them more confidence and it becomes an upward spiral.

Once our kids start seeing results they get really proud of what they are doing. They are so proud that they start taking some more risks and their confidence grows some more and so on and so on.

At this point, even if they experience some failures, they have the confidence to keep on trying. Part of this was proven by a researcher, Carol Dweck who showed that kids who believe that their accomplishments are a result of their hard work are more likely to persevere. On the other hand, kids who believe that their accomplishments are the result of a talent that they were born with will be afraid to try again after a failure, most probably because they may not know how to create success again.

To accomplish this upward spiral of confidence, we can simply talk to our kids about their efforts. Simply asking them what they might try if they knew they could not fail will get them thinking.

The second step would be to ask them what the worst possible outcome will be if they fail. Would it simply be embarrassment? This might be reframed as pride in having tried. Might they feel “stupid”? This can be reframed as being smarter in that they now know what does not work.

What ever it is that we do, we have to help our kids create this upward spiral of confidence. It will serve them well for their whole lives!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Introduce specialized teaching for dyscalculia in schools, urge experts

Specialised teaching for individuals with dyscalculia, the mathematical equivalent of dyslexia, should be made widely available in mainstream education, according to a review of current research published today in the journal Science.

Although just as common as dyslexia, with an estimated prevalence of up to 7% of the population, dyscalculia has been neglected as a disorder of cognitive development. However, a world-wide effort by scientists and educators has established the essential neural network that supports arithmetic, and revealed abnormalities in this network in the brains of dyscalulic learners.

Neuroscience research shows what kind of help is most needed – strengthening simple number concepts. This can be achieved with appropriate specially-designed teaching schemes, which can be supported by game-like software that adapts to the learner's current level of competence.

Professor Brian Butterworth, co-author of the paper and a member of the Centre for Educational Neuroscience (CEN) from the UCL Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience, said: "Dyscalculia is at least as much of a handicap for individuals as dyslexia and a very heavy burden on the state, with the estimated cost to the UK of low numeracy standing at £2.4 billion."

"Nevertheless, there are only cursory references to the disorder on the Department of Education website – no indications are offered for help either for learners, teachers or parents. It's as if the government does not want to acknowledge its existence."

Like dyslexia, dyscalculia is a condition we are born with, and may be heritable in many or most cases. Research from twins and special populations suggests that an arithmetical disability has a large genetic component, but the genes responsible have not yet been located.

Professor Diana Laurillard, another co-author and a member of CEN from the Institute of Education (IOE), University of London, said: "Just because dyscalculia is inherited it does not mean that there is nothing that can be done about it. As with dyslexia, specialized teaching can help. At the IOE we have developed software resources specifically to help children with dyscalculia, based on brain research showing exactly what problems the brain is having."

One of the main challenges of the effort to understand dyscalculia, is for scientists from these very different disciplines to understand each others' methods and results. The creation of interdisciplinary and inter-institutional centres to promote joint work, such as the Centre for Educational Neuroscience established by UCL (University College London); the Institute of Education, University of London and Birkbeck University of London, aims to address this challenge.

Professor Laurillard added: "Results from neuroscience and developmental psychology tell us that dyscalculic learners need to practice far more number manipulation tasks than mainstream learners. Adaptive, game-like programs that focus on making numbers meaningful, emulating what skilled SEN teachers do, can help learners practice beyond the classroom and build the basic understanding they need to tackle arithmetic."

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Notes for Editors

1. For more information or to interview Prof Brian Butterworth or Professor Diana Laurillard, please contact Clare Ryan in the UCL Media Relations Office on tel: +44 (0)20 3108 3846, mobile: +44 07747 565 056, out of hours +44 (0)7917 271 364, e-mail:clare.ryan@ucl.ac.uk.

2. IOE press office contacts: Diane Hofkins on +44 (0)20 7911 5423 email: d.hofkins@ioe.ac.uk or James Russell on +44 (0)20 7911 5556 j.russell@ioe.ac.uk

3. "Dyscalculia: From Brain to Education" is published online today in Science. Journalists can obtain copies of the paper by contacting UCL Media Relations.

What is dyscalculia?

Examples of common indicators of dyscalculia are (i) carrying out simple number comparison and addition tasks by counting, often using fingers, well beyond the age when it is normal, and (ii) finding approximate estimation tasks difficult. Individuals identified as dyscalculic behave differently from their mainstream peers, for example:

To say which is the larger of two playing cards showing 5 and 8, they count all the symbols on each card.
To place a playing card of 8 in sequence between a 3 and a 9 they count up spaces between the two to identify where the 8 should be placed.
To count down from 10 they count up from 1 to 10, then 1 to 9, etc.
To count up from 70 in tens, they say '70, 80, 90, 100, 200, 300…'
They estimate the height of a normal room as '200 feet?'

About UCL (University College London)

Founded in 1826, UCL was the first English university established after Oxford and Cambridge, the first to admit students regardless of race, class, religion or gender, and the first to provide systematic teaching of law, architecture and medicine. UCL is among the world's top universities, as reflected by performance in a range of international rankings and tables. Alumni include Marie Stopes, Jonathan Dimbleby, Lord Woolf, Alexander Graham Bell, and members of the band Coldplay. UCL currently has over 13,000 undergraduate and 9,000 postgraduate students. Its annual income is over £700 million. www.ucl.ac.uk

About the IOE (Institute of Education)

The Institute of Education is a college of the University of London that specialises in education and related areas of social science and professional practice. In the most recent Research Assessment Exercise two-thirds of the Institute's research activity was judged to be internationally significant and over a third was judged to be "world leading". The Institute was recognised by Ofsted in 2010 for its "high quality" initial teacher training programmes that inspire its students "to want to be outstanding teachers". The IOE is a member of the 1994 Group, which brings together 19 internationally renowned, research-intensive universities.

About the Centre for Educational Neuroscience (CEN)

The CEN came into being in 2008 as a transdisciplinary, collaborative effort involving leading academics in their fields from University College London, Institute of Education and Birkbeck College. As a virtual centre it has run a series of discussion seminars, practitioner workshops, and international conferences and is moving to run a Masters level degree in Educational Neuroscience from October 2011. The CEN is planning to begin stand-alone research and will publish the first 'Handbook of Educational Neuroscience' with Wiley-Blackwell in early 2012. www.educationalneuroscience.org.uk

New research shows a visit to a zoo boosts science and environment knowledge

Research from the University of Warwick shows a trip to the zoo can boost your child’s science and conservation education more than books or classroom teaching alone.

In research conducted at ZSL London Zoo, more than 3,000 school children aged between seven and 14 were asked about their knowledge of animals, habitat and conservation and then tested again after their trip.

The results show that 53% had a positive change in educational or conservation-related knowledge areas, personal concern for endangered species or new empowerment to participate in conservation efforts. The study proves that their trip around the zoo provided a statistically significant increase in scientific learning about animals and habitats. When zoo visits were supplemented by an educational presentation by zoo staff this increase in learning almost doubled against self-guided visits.

Eric Jensen, a Professor of Sociology at the University of Warwick, who produced the report said: “Globally, more than a tenth of the world’s population passes through zoos annually so the potential is there to reach a huge audience.

“In recent years zoos have come under criticism for failing to demonstrate educational impact with certain lobbying groups arguing that it’s cruel to keep animals captive. But zoos have been changing for years now to offer more educational and conservation information; ‘behind the scenes’ access for visitors; learning about habitat conservation work – all of which culminate in a better engagement experience for the visitor.”

Children came away with a greater understanding of ideas such as conservation, habitat and extinction. Amongst those who had not previously registered a concern about species extinction, 39% switched to registering such a concern directly after a zoo trip.

The children were asked to draw their favourite animals and habitats before and after their trip to the zoo. The drawings were analysed and showed some remarkable improvements. Some 51% of ten-year-olds showed a real change in the drawings and the use of correct scientific terms such as ‘canopy’ and ‘rainforest’ and had a higher amount of animals placed in the correct habitat, e.g. a meerkat drawn in the desert.

zoo drawings

Eric added: “The research clearly shows the valuable role that zoos can play in children’s science learning. So with another Bank Holiday fast approaching, why not swap the theme park for a good zoo? Your kids and their favourite animals may thank you in years to come!”

To see the report in full:

http://warwick.academia.edu/EricJensen/Papers/402822/Learning_about_animals_science_and_conservation_Large-scale_survey-based_evaluation_of_the_educational_impact_of_the_ZSL_London_Zoo_Formal_Learning_programme

For further information contact Eric Jensen on +44 (0)24 7652 8427 m: +44(0)7894 222586 or Kate Cox, Communications Manager on +44 (0)2476 574255/150483, m: +44(0)7920 531221 or kate.cox@warwick.ac.uk.

New University of Houston research study links job stress in teachers to student achievement

3-year longitudinal study involves 200 middle school teachers and 20 H.I.S.D. schools



		IMAGE: Teresa McIntyre is a research professor in the department of psychology, University of Houston, and principal investigator. Click here for more information.

After 17 years of researching traumatic stress with war-afflicted populations (veterans and civilians) and job stress in the medical profession, Teresa McIntyre, a research professor in the department of psychology and the Texas Institute for Evaluation, Measurement and Statistics (TIMES), at the University of Houston (UH), decided to study another high risk occupation, middle school teachers in seventh and eighth grade.

"Teaching is a highly stressful occupation," McIntyre said. "Teacher stress affects various aspects of teacher health and may influence how effective teachers are in the classroom, with potential consequences for their students' behavior and learning.

"I started to research the literature on stress and teachers in the U.S. and found very little information. There was no comprehensive study of teachers' stress or even an audit of the percentage of teachers who are stressed. I saw a void here and a need to study."

McIntyre serves as primary investigator for a $1.6 million grant funded by the Institute of Education Sciences (IES), U.S. Department of Education, titled, "Using Longitudinal and Momentary Analysis to Study the Impact of Middle School Teachers' Stress on Teacher Effectiveness, Student Behavior and Achievement."

The research study starts at the beginning of this coming school year and follows 200 seventh-and eighth-grade social studies, science or math teachers in 20 middle schools in H.I.S.D. and thousands of students over a three-year period. The research team intends to identify predictors and outcomes of job stress in middle school teachers, linking teacher stress to student behavior and achievement via teacher effectiveness. The results of the data can be used to guide further development of interventions to mitigate teacher stress and, consequently, improve teacher effectiveness and student behavior and learning.



		IMAGE: Teachers use the i-Pod Touch to monitor their stress at work. Click here for more information.

"Middle school is probably the most difficult level to teach because student-teacher interactions are more difficult during this time, and this kind of difficulty in teacher-student interactions is a major source of stress for teachers at this level," McIntyre said. "For students it's a time of adolescence and many changes developmentally, and that is going to affect the dynamics of learning, as well as the social relationships and climate in the classroom. It's going to affect the teachers as well. Our premise is that if the teacher is stressed, their behavior will be different with students, and they will perform differently with students."

McIntyre conducted a pilot study in the Greater Houston area in 2010 that indicated that at least one third of middle school teachers may be significantly stressed.

The UH research team will combine an innovative multi-method approach to assessing stress and teacher effectiveness, which involves ecological momentary assessment or real-time assessment, concurrent physiological measurements that will monitor blood pressure and heart rate, and in-classroom observational ratings. The researchers will use the most current technology to assess stress, which includes self-report on a Teacher Stress Diary using an iPod Touch platform, and teacher effectiveness ratings on an iPad. Data will be collected on students in the teachers' classroom using teacher stress diaries, archival school records and observational ratings. The innovative software programs are being developed by Sean Woodward at TIMES and the novel statistical methodologies required to analyze the intensive longitudinal data generated by real time assessment will be provided by TIMES and the UH department of psychology faculty Paras Mehta. The methodological and technical support provided by the UH's TIMES, directed by David Francis, as well as its expertise in education research, are key to the implementation of this type of study.

"With this study we will be able to get a more dynamic picture of how teachers respond to stress in real time," McIntyre said. "And that's what this ecological momentary assessment does – it assesses stress through the person's diary report of stress when things are happening, very close to the event. Teachers will be able to report their emotions – positive, negative; how their cognitive functions are affected by stress; and what's happening at the moment in terms of social interactions, social conflict, demands on the job, the time pressure and whether they feel they are in control of their situation. They also report on effectiveness in instruction and classroom management, an on their student's behavior in the classroom"

McIntyre notes the larger contribution of the study is to take the pulse of the educational system and see what's happening in challenging economic times and to evaluate what impact this has on teachers and students, "The study addresses a key issue in contemporary education: how to improve teacher quality in the face of increasing demands in the education system; it is all about supporting teachers, students and school administrators at a time of depleted resources."

The results of the study may be used to guide further development of interventions to mitigate teacher stress and, consequently, improve teacher effectiveness and student behavior and learning. The data collected will be useful for school administrators and principals to know, such as what factors are causing teachers to be more stressed and less effective, and what resources can be arranged to change that trajectory into a positive one.

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The research project is a collaborative effort with UH, the University of Houston-Clear Lake (UH-CL), the University of Pittsburgh, School of Medicine, and the Houston Independent School District (H.I.S.D.). UH collaborators are Paras Mehta, David Francis, Angelia Durand and Pat Taylor (psychology and TIMES), and Scott McIntyre (UH-CL); UH advisory board members are Christiane Spitzmueller and Qian Lu (psychology), and Chris Wolters (educational psychology); consultant is Dr. Thomas Kamarck, University of Pittsburgh.

Practical Ways To Make Every Day Mother’s Day

Last weekend, families in the United States celebrated Mother's Day. I actually just learned that some 70 countries celebrate Mother's Day on the second weekend of May. Of course, in those families that forgot to get a present, the refrain is, “Every day is Mother's Day!” And every mother would like to believe that every day is Mother's Day. So how can we do that? What would that look like?

One of the classic Mother's Day activities is breakfast in bed. The point of breakfast in bed is having your kids serve you rather than the usual of you serving them. It also shows the kids a way to help Mom.

What would this look like on an everyday basis? It might mean that the kids help with serving meals. Or when the kids get up to get a glass of water, offering to bring one for you. If you want your kids to help serve meals, one way to get that to happen is to make a request. How many Mom's complain that the kids never help, yet never ask the kids to help?!? You might even say that Mom's should “train” their kids to help. Even 2 year-olds can help set the table and serve meals. Obviously I would never ask them to carry a tray of hot meat with gravy, but they can certainly carry salad in a plastic bowl!

When your kids help prepare and serve meals you are not only taking some of the burden off of yourself, you are also helping your kids learn responsibility and you are helping your kids learn a family food culture. This may help them to avoid fast food and a diet of prepared foods in the future.

Mother's day is also a day for Moms to enjoy their kids. On Mother's Day, Moms try to ignore any shortcomings and be happy with the presents, the drawings and the nursery school art projects that are a part of Mother's Day. You can enjoy your kids every day and you can choose to not get upset about their shortcomings every day. One way to do this is every day, to say, “Jill, thank you for making me so happy today when you helped your brother with his homework.” “Johnny, thank you for being such a helper today when you made sandwiches for your sisters.”

This will “train” your child to be helpful and will also train them to show gratitude to people who help them. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

Finally, Mother's day is about celebrating Mom. And Mom should be celebrated every day. Everyday Mom should have some special time for herself. Everyday Mom should be acknowledged for the great works that she does. And everyday, everyone in the family should say “Thank You” to Mom.

So Moms. Everyday you should celebrate yourself and you should celebrate the wonderful children that you have. Everyday you should have some special time for yourself and you should help each of your kids have some special time for themselves.

So, yes, you can make every day Mother's Day. It will be a great learning experience for your kids and it will be great for you. Win-Win! And then your kids will make every day Mother's Day in their homes as well!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Photo compliments of Vera Kratochvil & www.PublicDomainPictures.com

Why We Should Teach Our Kids To Be Kind

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

I just read a fascinating article about some research about being kind. I had never really thought of it, but the authors make a good point that kindness is the “other side of the coin” of gratitude.

In their words, they said “Whereas gratitude results when people receive kindness from other people, kindness entails enacting kind behavior toward other people.” Having said this, it is no surprise that kindness makes people happy since we already know that gratitude makes people happier.

And being kind will make your child feel good. There is actually a release of endorphins in your body when you are kind. Endorphins are similar to morphine. You actually feel good when you are kind. I wonder if our kids can become addicted to being kind? What a great addiction that would be! And you sure wouldn't need any anti-depressants with that kind of addiction!

The researchers measured kindness in a few different ways. One way was to ask the participants how often they thought others were kind to them, how often they were motivated to be kind to others and how often they actually were kind to others. I think that first question is probably the step before gratitude. Once we recognize that someone has been kind to us, we can be grateful for it.

The researchers also gave the participants a happiness measure. Not surprisingly, those people who were happier were kinder. Or is it that those people who were kinder were happier?

Either way, we can learn an important lesson. There is a connection between kindness and happiness. So as with most other areas of happiness, we get to “kill two birds with one stone!” Those things that bring happiness are generally good things to do like being grateful, being kind and being self-compassionate.

Kindness can be toward friends or strangers. We can help our kids be kind to family members and teachers. Kindness toward any of these will help make us happy.

Happy people scored high in all three areas of happiness. They wanted to be kind, they recognized kindness more than unhappy people and they have more kind behaviors.

So what are some ideas for kind acts? How about a smile? Let's teach our kids to give passersby a smile. And we can give store-clerks a smile. Our kids can even smile to the driver in the car next to us. Or perhaps we can do a simple loving-kindness mediation which I have written about previously.

Even a small act like this can help your child to have a better day and make them happier. This happiness can spread throughout your family and improve all the relationships and interactions. How great would that be!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Why We Should Teach Our Children To Be Grateful

Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life. ~ Joel Osteen

In addition to all the other good reasons to be happy, I recently read some research about why we humans are grateful.

Firstly, gratitude lets the other person know that you received benefit from them. The more benefit we receive, the more grateful we are. Apparently, we are also more grateful if the giver has no ulterior motives. I thought about kids when I read this. I guess it makes sense that our kids are more grateful to strangers than they are to us, they may perceive that we have an ulterior motive – namely, we are their parents.

Another good reason to be grateful is that when we are grateful, the “giver” is more likely to continue giving. So, for example, if our children regularly thank their teacher for help, the teacher is more likely to continue giving help. A very practical example of this is that when a waiter or waitress writes “Thank You” on the bill, the diner is more likely to leave a larger tip. So in a selfish way, being grateful will benefit ourselves and our children.

Now here is one of the things that surprised me the most. Researchers found that those people who were most grateful, acted the nicest. The word they used was “prosocial” behavior which means that you act in a way that is helpful toward others and toward the group. So when we teach our kids to be grateful, they become more helpful and they will “fit into” the group better.

They were also more likely to help the person they were grateful to and they were more likely to help complete strangers. So it was not just reciprocity that drove the grateful to be helpful, being grateful actually makes you a nicer person!

Another experiment showed that when people journaled for two weeks about what they were grateful for, they offered more emotional support to friends and they also offered more tangible help. Also, people who are more grateful are more trusting.

But here may be the most important reason to teach your kids to be grateful. I know from my experience as a teacher, and any teacher will agree, that when a child thinks they are in control, they will work harder. And it makes sense. If I control the outcome, then I will work harder to become more successful. If it is out of my hands (the teacher doesn't like me) then I won't bother trying harder.

Well, kids who are grateful tend to attribute another person's good fortune to stable causes under their control rather than attribute good fortune to pure luck.

It is so important for kids to feel in control of their fate. It is also important for kids to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes.

I have not discussed much about how to get kids to be grateful, but I will give you just one simple strategy. Ask them what they are grateful for! At least once a day, ask you child to complete the sentence, “I am so happy and grateful that _______!” That's it.

And when you and your kids are grateful, nicer, more helpful, and take responsibility, just imagine how great a relationship you will have!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Have You Thanked Your Child Today?

The best way to teach a child to be grateful is to be grateful. ~Shaya Kass

I know a couple that is truly a model for all marriages. It is not particularly surprising that they are not the wealthiest couple that I know. They don't live in the biggest house, they don't have the hardest or easiest jobs. I can go on and on about how they are pretty average in external measures. What is striking, is that that they each are very grateful for what the other brings to the marriage and the relationship. Each person has their own strengths and the other appreciates those strengths.

I just read a wonderful research study that explains them. This study was done in North Carolina with 50 couples who had been married an average of 20 years. The researchers measured three things, satisfaction with the relationship, how much each partner felt gratitude and how much each partner expressed gratitude.

What is truly surprising is that more than expressing gratitude, how much partner #1 felt gratitude was strongly related to how much partner #2 was satisfied with the relationship. Imagine that! If I want my wife to be satisfied with our relationship, all I have to do is feel gratitude for her.

If I had to guess as to why this was, I would think it was because we send off subliminal signals. The researchers wrote about how sometimes we say something yet our partner can get an underlying message that we are not saying with words. Bottom line, the people we are close to understand our non-verbal communication.

Now what I am about to say is not shown or proven by this study. But I am willing to bet that this works with our kids as well. If I want my child to feel satisfied with our relationship, I have to be grateful for him and what he brings to my life.

This is not so difficult to do. All you have to do is remember what it is they do for you and why you love them. In the coaching lingo we call this “mindfulness”. Be mindful of how great your kids are. Think about how they enrich your life – and think about this everyday.

All too often, we get caught up in the day-to-day problems. In my house, it is often that my kids don't wash their dishes. It has come to the point that a pot may sit for three or four days because my wife and I are tired of washing their dishes for them. So I have to make sure that I don't let this frustration get in the way of loving my kids and remembering all the wonderful things they bring to my life.

Is it scientifically proven that this will work? No. But I can tell you that it works in my house. Try it in yours. I can promise you that it will not hurt and it may ensure a wonderful, rewarding relationship with your kids.

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Request your free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Practical Ways To Teach Our Kids To Be Non-Judgmental

“It takes a good deal of character to judge a person by his future instead of his past” – Ralph Waldo Emerson(?)

You have most probably heard the story of the man who gets onto a subway in New York City at a very late hour with many of his kids in tow. The kids are being very boisterous, to put it mildly, and the man is distracted and not controlling them at all. A fellow passenger is getting more and more annoyed until she finally says something to him about controlling his kids. He looks up, still distracted and when he understands what the lady is saying he apologizes. “I'm sorry. I am just coming from the hospital where my wife just passed away and I am thinking about how things are going to be different.”

While most of us never verbalize our judgments about others to them, that doesn't stop us from thinking them. And often, we tell our judgments to others – also known as gossip. This really is a scourge in our society.

If we look at it from the perspective of evolution, it makes sense that we have a negative bias, always seeing the worst possible outcome. If you were a hunter walking in the meadow and the grass started rustling, you had to decide if it was the wind moving the grass or if it was a lion getting ready to pounce on you. If you has a positive bias and thought it was the wind but it was really a lion, you were in really big trouble. On the other hand, if you had a negative bias and you thought it was a lion and it was really the wind, you would run and nothing would happen. You would get to laugh about it the next day. From this perspective, a negative bias is a good thing. But, like so many things that served our species well 10,000 years ago, we have to change with the new reality that faces us.

Today, having a negative bias about people distances us from them. As Mother Theresa tells us, it prevents us from loving one another. And it certainly does not help to create good relationships.

Even most adults don't realize this, so how could we expect that our kids will know it intuitively? We have to teach them to minimize their judgment of others. How do we do this?

First, our kids have to be aware of it. We could do this by telling them how we ourselves are sometimes judgmental of someone. How we realize we were doing it and how we stop ourselves. Also, if our kids are ever being judgmental, we can gently tell them that it is not such a good idea.

The next step is to accept people just the way they are. We know that we really cannot change others, heck, we can barely change ourselves. So instead of “knocking our head against the wall”, just accept people as they are.

Finally, love them. Love the people that we are judging. I know it is difficult, but if your kids practice this, they will be loving to everyone – to strangers, to friends, to you, and most importantly, to themselves! And wouldn't that be nice!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Here Is A Practical Way To Teach Your Child Self-Compassion

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. ~Sonya Friedman

I read some fascinating research about a program that help people to stop smoking. The rationale behind the research was that when people are trying to stop smoking, they are stressed. When people are stressed, they usually have negative self-talk. If the smokers were able to practice self-compassion, they were more likely to not go back to smoking.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if we taught this to our kids. Imagine if our kids were able to practice this compassionate mind therapy on themselves whenever they were in a stressful situation. They would always be level-headed and thinking straight.

The reason practicing self-compassion works is because what we conjure up in our mind has the same effect on our body as if it was actually happening. If being in a stressful situation causes our body to produce adrenaline, then thinking about a stressful situation also produces adrenaline. So when we are stressed, even though we will not be running or fighting, our body gets ready to that – fight or flight. Our body gets more blood to our arms and legs and gets less blood to our brains. The rationale is simple, running from a tiger doesn't take much thought but your legs better be working as best they can!

Now, if your son or daughter is taking a test and they are very stressed, their body will be producing adrenaline. But here the system doesn't work. Now they need as much blood going to their brain as possible, not less! But the adrenaline will be sending extra blood to their legs – what a waste!

So we should be teaching our kid ways to not get stressed. And compassionate mind training is one such way. The compassionate mind training is done by having each participant imagine their own perfect compassionate person. Who is it that can always comfort them? How old are they? What do they look like? What does your most compassionate person think to themselves? What is their voice like? Now integrate that person into you!

In the smoking program, the smokers then had their “compassionate person” write them a letter saying how proud they were that they were quitting smoking, knowing that there would be hard times and supporting them no matter what. Then, every time the participant wanted a cigarette, they would conjure up their compassionate self.

Imagine what this could do for our kids! Every time they are in a situation where there is peer-pressure, they would have a compassionate self there to help them. Every time they were in a tense situation , their compassionate self could calm them down. They would never need to turn to cigarettes or other destructive habits!

And, of course, if they have a wonderful relationship with themselves, they will certainly have a wonderful relationship with their friends and their friends will be happy to spend time with them.

And, best of all, this will do wonders for their relationship with you!

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Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

3-year longitudinal study involves 200 middle school teachers and 20 H.I.S.D. schools

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