Be Grateful | Positive Parent Plus | Practical Parenting Help

A Practical Way To Help Your Child Succeed

Winning is overrated. The only time it is really important is in surgery and war. ~Al McGuire

We all want our kids to be successful. And we are willing to do just about anything to make that happen. Here is a way to help your child succeed that is a lot of fun. Simply put, get them involved in sports.

It is amazing how many researchers have studied the effect of sports on academic achievement and how almost each and every study found the same thing – kids who are involved in sports are more successful.

There are a few different reasons given for this in the articles. One interesting reason given is that it helps kids learn how to deal with failure and overcome it. We all know people who once they fail keep “stewing” in the bad feelings and have a hard time moving on. This is obviously not productive or helpful and it will only keep the person from movong forward.

When we teach our kids to deal with failures, they will learn how to overcome them and move forward. Obviously, sports is a great way to do this because the only lasting effects of winning or losing is the mental and emotional strength that it will build.

I love the quote by Michael Jordan that goes, “I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”

Another advantage of taking part in sports is that it teaches kids how to deal with others. Unfortunately, much of what happens in school is done all alone. Schools and teachers have been talking about cooperative learning for the last 20 years, but most of what happens, day to day in the classroom involves each student working individually.

There is certainly value in learning to work alone. But most of our lives we are interacting with other people. This skill is not taught in many classrooms. It is taught on every sports team. And, yes, here I am talking about team sports rather than tennis or karate.

Which brings me to my final point this is, our kids should play on teams. If you child loves tennis, then help him or her to excel at tennis. But there is also a value to playing in the little league or on the school basketball team. This will help your child to build the skills needed to work with others.

The benefits found of kids playing sports are greater academic achievement, including better grades, improved chances of attending college, and success in the labor market.

Of course, kids who play sports will also have a lower risk of child obesity which is rampant in the world today. People who play sports as kids are more likely continue as adults and stay healthier and slimmer as adults as well.

And one of the best reasons to have your child participate in sports is that it will give you a chance to have quality time with the kids. You will see your child in a whole new light and it will give you something to bond over.

So, as Nike says, “Just Do It!”

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Practical Ways To Make Every Day Mother’s Day

Last weekend, families in the United States celebrated Mother's Day. I actually just learned that some 70 countries celebrate Mother's Day on the second weekend of May. Of course, in those families that forgot to get a present, the refrain is, “Every day is Mother's Day!” And every mother would like to believe that every day is Mother's Day. So how can we do that? What would that look like?

One of the classic Mother's Day activities is breakfast in bed. The point of breakfast in bed is having your kids serve you rather than the usual of you serving them. It also shows the kids a way to help Mom.

What would this look like on an everyday basis? It might mean that the kids help with serving meals. Or when the kids get up to get a glass of water, offering to bring one for you. If you want your kids to help serve meals, one way to get that to happen is to make a request. How many Mom's complain that the kids never help, yet never ask the kids to help?!? You might even say that Mom's should “train” their kids to help. Even 2 year-olds can help set the table and serve meals. Obviously I would never ask them to carry a tray of hot meat with gravy, but they can certainly carry salad in a plastic bowl!

When your kids help prepare and serve meals you are not only taking some of the burden off of yourself, you are also helping your kids learn responsibility and you are helping your kids learn a family food culture. This may help them to avoid fast food and a diet of prepared foods in the future.

Mother's day is also a day for Moms to enjoy their kids. On Mother's Day, Moms try to ignore any shortcomings and be happy with the presents, the drawings and the nursery school art projects that are a part of Mother's Day. You can enjoy your kids every day and you can choose to not get upset about their shortcomings every day. One way to do this is every day, to say, “Jill, thank you for making me so happy today when you helped your brother with his homework.” “Johnny, thank you for being such a helper today when you made sandwiches for your sisters.”

This will “train” your child to be helpful and will also train them to show gratitude to people who help them. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

Finally, Mother's day is about celebrating Mom. And Mom should be celebrated every day. Everyday Mom should have some special time for herself. Everyday Mom should be acknowledged for the great works that she does. And everyday, everyone in the family should say “Thank You” to Mom.

So Moms. Everyday you should celebrate yourself and you should celebrate the wonderful children that you have. Everyday you should have some special time for yourself and you should help each of your kids have some special time for themselves.

So, yes, you can make every day Mother's Day. It will be a great learning experience for your kids and it will be great for you. Win-Win! And then your kids will make every day Mother's Day in their homes as well!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Photo compliments of Vera Kratochvil & www.PublicDomainPictures.com

Why We Should Teach Our Children To Be Grateful

Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life. ~ Joel Osteen

In addition to all the other good reasons to be happy, I recently read some research about why we humans are grateful.

Firstly, gratitude lets the other person know that you received benefit from them. The more benefit we receive, the more grateful we are. Apparently, we are also more grateful if the giver has no ulterior motives. I thought about kids when I read this. I guess it makes sense that our kids are more grateful to strangers than they are to us, they may perceive that we have an ulterior motive – namely, we are their parents.

Another good reason to be grateful is that when we are grateful, the “giver” is more likely to continue giving. So, for example, if our children regularly thank their teacher for help, the teacher is more likely to continue giving help. A very practical example of this is that when a waiter or waitress writes “Thank You” on the bill, the diner is more likely to leave a larger tip. So in a selfish way, being grateful will benefit ourselves and our children.

Now here is one of the things that surprised me the most. Researchers found that those people who were most grateful, acted the nicest. The word they used was “prosocial” behavior which means that you act in a way that is helpful toward others and toward the group. So when we teach our kids to be grateful, they become more helpful and they will “fit into” the group better.

They were also more likely to help the person they were grateful to and they were more likely to help complete strangers. So it was not just reciprocity that drove the grateful to be helpful, being grateful actually makes you a nicer person!

Another experiment showed that when people journaled for two weeks about what they were grateful for, they offered more emotional support to friends and they also offered more tangible help. Also, people who are more grateful are more trusting.

But here may be the most important reason to teach your kids to be grateful. I know from my experience as a teacher, and any teacher will agree, that when a child thinks they are in control, they will work harder. And it makes sense. If I control the outcome, then I will work harder to become more successful. If it is out of my hands (the teacher doesn't like me) then I won't bother trying harder.

Well, kids who are grateful tend to attribute another person's good fortune to stable causes under their control rather than attribute good fortune to pure luck.

It is so important for kids to feel in control of their fate. It is also important for kids to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes.

I have not discussed much about how to get kids to be grateful, but I will give you just one simple strategy. Ask them what they are grateful for! At least once a day, ask you child to complete the sentence, “I am so happy and grateful that _______!” That's it.

And when you and your kids are grateful, nicer, more helpful, and take responsibility, just imagine how great a relationship you will have!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Have You Thanked Your Child Today?

The best way to teach a child to be grateful is to be grateful. ~Shaya Kass

I know a couple that is truly a model for all marriages. It is not particularly surprising that they are not the wealthiest couple that I know. They don't live in the biggest house, they don't have the hardest or easiest jobs. I can go on and on about how they are pretty average in external measures. What is striking, is that that they each are very grateful for what the other brings to the marriage and the relationship. Each person has their own strengths and the other appreciates those strengths.

I just read a wonderful research study that explains them. This study was done in North Carolina with 50 couples who had been married an average of 20 years. The researchers measured three things, satisfaction with the relationship, how much each partner felt gratitude and how much each partner expressed gratitude.

What is truly surprising is that more than expressing gratitude, how much partner #1 felt gratitude was strongly related to how much partner #2 was satisfied with the relationship. Imagine that! If I want my wife to be satisfied with our relationship, all I have to do is feel gratitude for her.

If I had to guess as to why this was, I would think it was because we send off subliminal signals. The researchers wrote about how sometimes we say something yet our partner can get an underlying message that we are not saying with words. Bottom line, the people we are close to understand our non-verbal communication.

Now what I am about to say is not shown or proven by this study. But I am willing to bet that this works with our kids as well. If I want my child to feel satisfied with our relationship, I have to be grateful for him and what he brings to my life.

This is not so difficult to do. All you have to do is remember what it is they do for you and why you love them. In the coaching lingo we call this “mindfulness”. Be mindful of how great your kids are. Think about how they enrich your life – and think about this everyday.

All too often, we get caught up in the day-to-day problems. In my house, it is often that my kids don't wash their dishes. It has come to the point that a pot may sit for three or four days because my wife and I are tired of washing their dishes for them. So I have to make sure that I don't let this frustration get in the way of loving my kids and remembering all the wonderful things they bring to my life.

Is it scientifically proven that this will work? No. But I can tell you that it works in my house. Try it in yours. I can promise you that it will not hurt and it may ensure a wonderful, rewarding relationship with your kids.

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Request your free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Happiness, comparatively speaking: How we think about life’s rewards

You win some, you lose some. You get the perfect job—the one your heart is set on. Or you get snubbed. You win the girl (or guy) of your dreams—or you strike out. Such are life’s ups and downs.

But what if you win and lose at the same time? You land a good job—but not a great one. Or you do get a plum offer—but not the one you wanted?

A study published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, says you’ll find a way to be happy anyway.

“Good outcomes have relative value and absolute value, and that affects our happiness,” explains Carnegie Mellon assistant professor Karim S. Kassam, who conducted the study with Carnegie colleague Carey K. Morewedge, Daniel T. Gilbert of Harvard University, and Timothy D. Wilson of the University of Virginia.

If you’re a “winner”—you get the best, relative to the alternatives—you’re happy regardless of the prize’s absolute value.

“Losers”—who win something less valuable than the alternative—may at first be disappointed, but they usually come around. “People are motivated to think about things in the best possible light,” says Kassam. So they move on to reflect on the absolute value, and find satisfaction there.

To test these phenomena, the authors ran two experiments. In the first, 297 people on the Boston streets were given lottery tickets. They were asked to scratch off one side and received cash in the amount printed underneath–$1, $3, $5, or $7. Then they scratched off the other side, revealing either a higher or lower amount. Afterwards, they completed questionnaires rating their happiness, disappointment, or regret.

The “winners” (who got the bigger of two amounts) were, unsurprisingly, happier than the losers—but also equally happy with any prize. The losers’ happiness, by contrast, increased with the prize amounts.

How does this work? A second experiment tested the hypothesis that the losers think harder to find happiness. The researchers distracted the participants brains while asking them to consider differing rewards.

In four trials, 31 participants were asked to memorize either a two- or an eight-digit number and choose one of two boxes with prize amounts ($3 or $5) inside, which were displayed on a screen. At the end, they were told, they’d receive the amount in one of their chosen boxes, randomly selected. Then both boxes opened. Unknown to the participants, the design made them all losers—they’d always pick the lesser amount. The combinations of memory difficulty—“cognitive load”—and cash received ($3 or $5) varied. In each trial, participants rated their feelings.

Again, larger prizes made these losers happier—but only when they had enough brainpower to think about it. Under higher cognitive load, they were glad to get either amount.

“When you win something, it’s always a positive experience,” says Kassam. “But if there’s this tinge of negative affect, that motivates people to rationalize, to reframe things in a way that will make them happy.” The good news: even if you can’t do that extra thinking, you’ll settle—for happiness.

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For more information about this study, please contact: Karim S. Kassam at kskassam@cmu.edu.

Here Is A Practical Way To Teach Your Child Self-Compassion

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. ~Sonya Friedman

I read some fascinating research about a program that help people to stop smoking. The rationale behind the research was that when people are trying to stop smoking, they are stressed. When people are stressed, they usually have negative self-talk. If the smokers were able to practice self-compassion, they were more likely to not go back to smoking.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if we taught this to our kids. Imagine if our kids were able to practice this compassionate mind therapy on themselves whenever they were in a stressful situation. They would always be level-headed and thinking straight.

The reason practicing self-compassion works is because what we conjure up in our mind has the same effect on our body as if it was actually happening. If being in a stressful situation causes our body to produce adrenaline, then thinking about a stressful situation also produces adrenaline. So when we are stressed, even though we will not be running or fighting, our body gets ready to that – fight or flight. Our body gets more blood to our arms and legs and gets less blood to our brains. The rationale is simple, running from a tiger doesn't take much thought but your legs better be working as best they can!

Now, if your son or daughter is taking a test and they are very stressed, their body will be producing adrenaline. But here the system doesn't work. Now they need as much blood going to their brain as possible, not less! But the adrenaline will be sending extra blood to their legs – what a waste!

So we should be teaching our kid ways to not get stressed. And compassionate mind training is one such way. The compassionate mind training is done by having each participant imagine their own perfect compassionate person. Who is it that can always comfort them? How old are they? What do they look like? What does your most compassionate person think to themselves? What is their voice like? Now integrate that person into you!

In the smoking program, the smokers then had their “compassionate person” write them a letter saying how proud they were that they were quitting smoking, knowing that there would be hard times and supporting them no matter what. Then, every time the participant wanted a cigarette, they would conjure up their compassionate self.

Imagine what this could do for our kids! Every time they are in a situation where there is peer-pressure, they would have a compassionate self there to help them. Every time they were in a tense situation , their compassionate self could calm them down. They would never need to turn to cigarettes or other destructive habits!

And, of course, if they have a wonderful relationship with themselves, they will certainly have a wonderful relationship with their friends and their friends will be happy to spend time with them.

And, best of all, this will do wonders for their relationship with you!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Love And Respect

“Men are respectable only as they respect” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was recently asked if we can get our kids to both love and respect us. My answer was, “Sure!”

Some people seem to believe that the way to have their kids respect them is to be very disciplined, to “show the kids who's boss.” As I have written before, I think the best way to get kids to respect you is to teach them by being a role model.

What does respect look like? One thing it might look like is when people stand in a courtroom when the judge walks in. This is a very formal, perhaps old school type of respect, but I think it does have value. I remember when I was in high school, when a teacher or principal walked in, we stood up. There was certainly never a question of who was in charge and where “the buck stopped.” But I think it lacked a certain warmth and closeness. That was the atmosphere that my school was shooting for. This still exists in some schools where teachers are addressed by “Mr.” or “Mrs.”

At home, this might might be seen as a child never sitting in their parents chair at the table or never interrupting their parent. While this system certainly teaches a child to respect the institution or the position, I think there is a deeper respect that is not taught through this system.

As an example, when I was doing my doctoral studies, I called my advisor by his first name and there were few formalities between us. But with or without those formalities, I very much respected his ideas and opinions on education. I respected him because of his knowledge and wisdom. More than that, I respected him because he respected my ideas and opinions on education and life. Every question I asked was worthy of a thoughtful response. Every one of my opinions was worthy of consideration.

When I think about teaching my sons to respect me and my wife, this is what I think of. It would bother me much less if they sit in my chair at the table and much more that they dismiss my opinion without considering it. And I teach this by modeling it – I consider their opinion and if, in the end, I reject it, I give them a very good reason for disagreeing. This show of respect is much more important.

As for love, I think that is also an easy one. I get my kids to love me by loving them. And that love is unconditional. So for example, when my son vehemently disagreed with me, storming out of the house and slamming the door, the next time I saw him I told him that I loved him even though he was hurtful. And my actions toward him did not change. I did not punish him or stop talking to him or anything like that. I loved him just the same.

So as an answer to the question, “How can we get our kids to both love and respect us?” my answer is, “Love and respect them!” And when you practice this day after day, in every interaction with your child, you end up with a relationship that is the envy of all your peers!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Care!

If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded. ~Maya Angelou

I have to begin with an admission. While I write this, I am a little angry. Perhaps I should calm down before I write, but if I go overboard, my editor (my wife) will “clean” it up. If you are reading this newsletter, I guess I was okay!

I teach English at a local college. I work in various departments, one of which has an administrator that I often don't agree with. I have been an administrator in the past and I always tried to make sure that the quality of the educational experience of the students was my guiding principle. I don't feel that this administrator shares that value.

Yesterday a colleague said to me, “They don't care, why should you care?” My response was. “The day I stop caring, please fire me.”

We live in a world where many people have become numb and have ceased to care. I know that many people are overwhelmed, but caring is so important. Perhaps if we can pass this on to our children, even if we are ourselves are numb already, the future of the world will be better than the present.

Often people say, “It is not my business, I don't want to get involved.” The best analogy that I once read for this argument is that if an elephant is standing on the tail of a mouse, the mouse will not appreciate your desire to stay neutral.

If your child sees another child being bullied at school, it may or may not be appropriate to intervene in the moment. It is possible that your child will be hurt. But it is completely appropriate, and you should encourage your child, to talk to the victim afterward. The last thing the victim needs to feel is that not a soul in the world cares about him or her.

The self-centered reason to care about others is so that they will care about you. Having more people that you care about and that care about you has been shown to increase happiness, health and success. It is a way to grow your social network. Having close relationships with family and close friends is important. Having many relationships in a “second circle” of friends is also important for creating a healthy social network that will increase many positive psychological outcomes.

One way to get ahead in the world is to be recognized as outstanding. My mother used to say that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In an era when most people don't care, it doesn't take a lot of caring to stand out as a special person. That is not to say that we should teach our kids to care only enough to get ahead. But we can point out that a little caring goes a long way, a lot of caring goes even further!

And of course, if our kids are caring, they will care about their parents and siblings as well, which will lead to a peaceful and loving house!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

How Meditation Can Help You And Your Child

I first heard about Loving Kindness Meditation in a podcast with Marci Shimoff, the author of Happy For No Reason. It is a really beautiful mediation that can be done all day long, not just in the lotus position in a quiet corner of your home.

There are different versions of the Loving Kindness Meditation, but all of them have a similar intention. The version that I like to do goes like this:

Start thinking about yourself and say (or think), “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I have love, may my life be filled with ease. Then think of someone close to you. For example, I usually go to my wife next and I say, “Tova, may you be happy. Tova, may you be healthy, etc”

I can do it in the lotus position in my living room in the morning before my family wakes up or I can also do it while I am driving my car.

After going through your loved ones, you move on to people who are neutral in your life. For example, you may be stopped at a red light, look over to the driver next to you and send him or her loving kindness.

The challenge is to then think of the negative people in your life. The person who cut you off in traffic, Your boss who gives you a hard time every day, or perhaps your mother-in-law (if you're not as lucky as me to have a mother-in-law that I loved) and send them loving kindness.

When I first heard this and started practicing it, it always made me feel good and I knew that it helped me to stay positive. Now I find out that a group of psychologists tested the Loving Kindness Meditation and found that it truly helps people to build positive emotions.

Dr Barbara Fredrickson and her colleagues taught this to 100 employees at a hi-tech company. They had another 100 employees who did not learn the technique (until after the experiment) and they compared the two groups. The group that learned the technique, let's call them the meditators, were more mindful and savored the past, present and future. They had more gratitude, more hope, more love and more pride.

The meditators were able to both give more social support and to receive more social support. The meditators were able to create more positive relationships with others.

Finally and not too surprisingly, the meditators reported fewer illnesses and better sleep.

So how can you use this with your kids? Would it work for you to do a loving kindness meditation every night when you tuck them in? What if every night, with your child, you started off with, “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be loved, may my life be filled with ease.” And then go through this for members in your family, for classmates, for teachers, etc.

If you do this, you will be raising a loving child and you will be building a great relationship!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Be Proud Of Your Kids And Let Them Know

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I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much. – Bob Newhart

Like Bob Newhart, I too am very proud of my marriage and of my children. If I had grandkids, I am fairly certain I would be proud of them as well, but I have not yet been blessed with grandkids.

We just spent the weekend with my wife's aunt and uncle. My boys were great. At every meal they jumped up to help, they took part in the conversation, they didn't fight, they were just great. I often tell my sons how proud I am of them, but it is usually after we have spent time with another family whose kids behave poorly. In those cases, my kids stand out as wonderful. This weekend they stood out as wonderful kids without needing a negative comparison.

And on Saturday when we were heading home, I made sure to let them know.

So do you let your kids know that you are proud of them? I believe it is very important to let our kids know we are proud of them and why.

One way to look at this is the way we look at performance reviews at work. The best way to give a performance review is to be specific about what the employee does well and what the employee doesn't do well. If an employee is given specific information about what they are doing well and what they are not doing well, the assumption is that they will do more of the “good stuff” and less of the “bad stuff”.

I have said before that kids just want to be loved. Kids will do just about anything for love and attention. The first thing that new teachers are told about discipline is to “catch the kids being good” so that the kids get praise for positive behavior and will try to do more of it.

Telling your kids that you are proud of them is similar. By telling your kids you are proud of them you are “catching them being good” and letting them get more and more praise for that.

Just like with a performance review, be specific. “I am proud of you for helping serve the meal.” “I am proud of you for cleaning your room so nicely.” “I am proud of you for working hard on your book report.”

Research by Carol Dweck of Stanford University tells us that we should praise our kids for their effort rather than their performance. In the future we want them to make the effort again and again. If we praise their performance they may be afraid to try hard things because they may fail and not get the praise for the good performance. But if they get praise for their effort, they will consistently make the effort because that is what will get them praise.

When you praise your children for the effort they make and for doing what you expect them to do, they will continue to make the effort and they will continue to do what is expected. When they learn to do this as kids, they will continue to do this as adults. You will have taught them to do this without screaming and threatening, but with praise and pride.

You will be setting yourself up to have a wonderful relationship with your kids for many years to come. And isn't that what you really want? To have a wonderful relationship with your kids when they are great, productive, happy adults?!

You win some, you lose some. You get the perfect job—the one your heart is set on. Or you get snubbed. You win the girl (or guy) of your dreams—or you strike out. Such are life’s ups and downs.

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