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No Man Is An Island

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I just heard some fascinating research about positive psychology and cities. We all know the stereotypes. We all think that New Yorkers are brusk, perhaps even obnoxious. We think of Los Angelenos as friendlier if not a little shallow. And we think of Atlantans as very warm and welcoming southerners. The first question we should ask is whether these stereotypes are true. The second question we should ask is, “If it is true, how does it affect us and our kids?”

We now have some answers to these questions. Two researchers, Nansoon Park and Chris Peterson, looked at the results from the Values In Action Survey of Strengths by city.

San Francisco, Los Angeles and Oakland were the cities with the greatest number of people who had the strengths of (1) appreciation of beauty, (2) creativity, (3) curiosity and (4) love of learning. Park and Peterson called these “Strengths of the Head” since they are all more intellectual strengths. This means that if you live in one of these cities, you are surrounding yourself with people who are more intellectual, creative and who love learning. There will probably be more opportunities for you to introduce your children to these strengths and for them to interact with people who have these strengths.

El Paso, Mesa, Miami and Virginia Beach rated highest for strengths of the heart like (1) fairness, (2) forgiveness (3) gratitude and (4) hope. There are more in this list but you get the idea that these people are probably more interested in other people rather than art or learning. You might say these cities have a lot of “people” people.

What does this mean for you and your kids? I am not suggesting that you pick up and move to a city that has the qualities that you are looking for. But realizing that your city may be stronger in one area or another allows you to try to make up the “deficit” and make sure to expose your children (and yourself) to other things in your city.

When children are exposed to many different kinds of activities they are likely to become more curious about many different things and more likely to find their own natural talent. If a child has “an artist” inside of them and they are only exposed to sports, they may be very frustrated when they cannot find a career that seems to suit them.

Cities often have a variety of activities for children. While Silicon Valley cities are more likely to have computer activities for kids, I am sure you can also find art activities. And while Boston may have more history related activities, you can search out some martial arts.

You have to realize that where you live has an affect on you and on your children. You may be happy about the affect your city has or you may realize that there are things you want to fill in. Simply being aware of is the first step toward addressing areas that might be weak or missing.

Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?

"Prosperity is a way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just a lack of money or things. "

Eric Butterworth

When Ben was about 4 or 5 years old he asked my wife to buy something. I really don't remember what it was but My wife said that it was a lot of money and that we didn't have the money for that purchase. His response was, “Then let's go to the bank machine and get some money!”

Wow! That should have been a big old red flag to my wife and I that we had to teach some Ben about money and also to help him think about his values around money. To be honest, we failed. If I could go back in time 15 years, I would do a very different job about teaching my kids about money. But I have missed the best teaching opportunity and not I have to try to play catch-up. I can still do a decent job, but it will not be the same.

The very first thing you have to do to answer the question, “Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?” is to think about the values that you want to teach your child about money. Think about the following questions:

Do you want your child to think that money comes with no effort?
Do you want your child to think that money comes for doing the things you would otherwise have to do , like washing your dishes?
Do you want to teach your child about saving money? Tithing? Investing?
Do you want to teach your child that money is a source of strife and disharmony?

Once you have thought about these question, you are ready to start thinking about allowance.

Some people give allowance to their kids with no strings attached. $1 each week whether the child has done chores or not. As we call that in our family, “Just for being a part of the family.” Some say that this can create a situation in which your child expects money to come like manna from heaven. Do nothing and money appears. Is this the attitude you want your child to have? Some would call this a way of showing love. You can explain to your child that the money is simply a token of your love. The money is like the flowers you might bring your lover, or the book you might buy for a friend as a present. Do you want your child to be reminded regularly, in a concrete way, that you love them?

Some people give money for doing chores like making their bed and clearing the table. This might create a situation in which your child expects money for things they would do anyway. They may get a rude awakening when they “get out into the real world.” Others say this is simply an incentive to diminish arguing. If so, will you not give allowance if your child doesn't do these basic chores.

Others only give money for “special” chores that would not otherwise be expected of your child. For some that might be mowing the lawn. For others it might be painting a fence. The problem with this approach might be that your child may not have a regular source of income and will get used to boom and bust times and may not learn to budget. Perhaps you can give an everyday “special” chore, like making your bed!

One idea that I heard from Amanda van der Gulik is to pass money for lessons through your child. So for example, if your child wants guitar lessons, give your child $25 each week and then they will pay for the lesson. This will help them to learn the value of money.

The bottom line in all these ideas is that you have to consider what you are trying to create and plan from there. The bad news is that I cannot tell you what is right for you. The good news is that there is no wrong answer, only the right answer for you!

Why It Is Important For Your Kids To Be Happy

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Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln

I heard a very interesting interview with Dr. Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist. He gave a very simple yet powerful explanation of why happiness is important.

Dr Lipton told about an experiment that he had done. He had a stem cell that he grew in a petri dish and then had many stem cells. He then separated the cells into different petri dishes and by changing the growth medium in the dishes, he was able to have the cells grow into either bone cells, muscle cells or fat cells. All the cells were genetically identical, they had all come from the same cell. The only thing that changed was the growth medium and which was able to so radically change the cells themselves.

He also took some of the cells and put them in a very poor environment. Of course, the cells started to die. That is expected. But to revive the cells he didn't give them medicine nor did he give them therapy. As you probably figured out already, all he did was put them in a healthy environment.

Now think about your body and your child's body. What is the growth medium for the cells in your body? Why, it is your blood, of course! Your blood carries oxygen to your cells and takes away carbon dioxide. It brings nutrients to the cells and takes away waste. But there are also the hormones in the blood which both greatly affect our mood and are effected by our mood.

So let's say you want to have lots of “good hormones”. Those hormones are ones that promote growth of cells and healing like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. How do you do that? Well, if you open your eyes and see the love of your life, or a beautiful sunrise or you have to go to your award ceremony that day, your brain is pumping all of these wonderful hormones into your blood.

On the other hand, if you open your eyes and see someone pointing a gun at you or if you see a fire in your room or you wake up and you know you have a test that day on a subject that you just don't understand, your brain will be flooding your blood and body with stress hormones like adrenaline. This will make your body start shutting down, and your brain will stop thinking straight.

This is why it is so very important for our kids to be happy and why your kids need you to help them be easy-going. Of course, there are stressful situations when stress hormones are needed. But a test is not one of them! Nor is not having the same shoes as Sally or the same baseball mitt as Johnnie.

I have heard many times that happier people are healthier. Now it makes sense to me. People who are happy have cells that are living in a growth medium (their blood) that is full of good chemicals which promote good health. People who are stressed have their cells floating in a toxic environment.

So the question with the obvious answer is, ”Which do you want for your child?”

Visualization Helps Fourth Grade Boys Behave Well in Class

I just read a fascinating study by Dr. Suzanne Margiano of the University of Connecticut and four of her colleagues about using visualizations. This could be so helpful for kids who are having trouble in school and, quite frankly, for adults as well.

Dr. Margiano took 3 fourth grade boys who were intelligent kids but who were having trouble behaving in school. This, of course, is nothing new for many teachers. Unfortunately, what happens, way to often, is we give these kids Ritalin and they calm down. This is really easy for the parents and the teachers, but it may not be too healthy for the kids. As my wife, a kindergarten teacher, puts it, the kids lose their personality. It is like they have been wiped blank while they are on Ritalin.

And it is nothing new for many of us. We are intelligent, we know what to do, but we have trouble doing it. We are used to doing something one way and we keep doing it that way. Perhaps we even “define” ourselves by being the joker in the group, or the intelligent one on the group. And we realize that this does not serve us well and we want to change our ways.

Back to the study! Dr Margiano watched these kids for a few weeks and recorded their behavior. It was as expected, the researchers found a lot of evidence of the kids not behaving well and some evidence of the kids doing the “right” thing. Then Dr. Margiano and the other researchers videotaped the kids and, as we teachers say, “caught them being good!” They videotaped the kids acting the way they are supposed to. Then the researchers had the kids watch the videotape of the good behavior 2 or 3 times a week for 3 weeks. They showed the kids a videotape of themselves being good! And it helped!

The kids started being good in class instead of acting up and getting in trouble. The researchers even think that they planted false memories in these fourth graders.

Now, ordinarily, you would think planting false memories would be bad, but here it is great! They planted a false memory of the kids being good and the kids started being good.

How can you use this with your kids? Well, I don't think you have to videotape them. If your child has trouble sitting still in class, it would help to have them remember a class where they did behave. In the morning, go over it with them. What did they feel? What were they doing? What were they thinking? You can help them “re-live” the memory and then help them transfer it to their present day class. Many people also believe that visualization can do this for you.

Many of the “greats” in the field of personal development tell us that when we visualize ourselves having accomplished our goals it helps us to actually accomplish them. And many of these VERY successful people do visualizations every morning. Perhaps the most famous example of this is when Babe Ruth pointed to the bleachers in center field in Game 3 of the 1932 World Series against the Chicago Cubs and then on the next pitch he hit, sent the baseball flying more than 440 feet (135 meters) right into the bleachers past center field! There are many stories of Olympic athletes using visualization.

One of the most convincing is Billy Mills who won gold in the 10,000 meter race in 1964. To win the race, not only did he run faster than the other runners, he ran 50 seconds faster than he himself had ever run 10,000 meters. After the race, he showed reporters his diary where he wrote about his visualizations. He is still the only American to have ever won the 10,000 meter Olympic race.

So why not try this with your son or daughter? Help them to visualize behaving well in class. Perhaps they can visualize that every time they start to get fidgety, they take a deep breath and calm down. Or perhaps they can visualize before a math test that when they don't know the answer right away they don't panic but go through a list of math procedures to try. Bottom line, they have to visualize themselves being successful.

This can skyrocket their success in school and in sports. It also prepares them for success in life. And, after all, that is what we want most for our kids!

If you try this with your child (or yourself), please send me an email and let me know how it went. You can write to me at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Being Happy and Grateful

I just finished watching a series of three videos by Bob Proctor. According to Bob, most of our thoughts are "programmed" by our subconscious paradigm which is "programmed" by things we heard repeatedly.

For example, if while you were growing up you often hear that there is no money, then you probably have a subconscious paradigm that there is no money. If you heard that you are going to grow up and take over the corporation from your Dad and be rich, that is the subconscious paradigm that you are working with. Bob then went on to say that if you want to change your subcounscious paradigm, all you have to do is keep repeating the new belief to yourself.

For me, that new belief is "I am so happy and grateful…" I must say that 1000 times a day. I am happy and grateful that I didn't miss the bus. I am happy and grateful that my students work well. I am happy and grateful that all my students passed the test. I am happy and grateful that my family has dinner together.

As is so often said in network marketing – fake it till you make it! Whatever you keep repeating in your head becomes your new paradigm.

So what is your paradigm? Are you happy with it? Would you like to install a new paradigm? It is in your power!

If you would like to watch the videos, you can start at http://www.BobProctor-Training.net

I would love to be inspired by your new paradigm. Please leave it here as a comment or shoot me an email at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

No Man Is An Island

Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?

Why It Is Important For Your Kids To Be Happy

Visualization Helps Fourth Grade Boys Behave Well in Class

Being Happy and Grateful

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