Be Happy | Positive Parent Plus | Practical Parenting Help

If We Teach Our Kids To “Act As If . . .”, They Are Going To Be Successful

To guarantee success, act as if it were impossible to fail. ~ Dorothea Brande

None of us have to teach a child up to age 4 to act as if. It is so wonderful to watch kids this age play because they “get into it” completely. If a little girl is having tea with The Queen of England, as far as she is concerned, sitting across from her is The Queen of England. When a little boy is an astronaut flying to the Moon, they are on the way, I hoped you packed them a lunch!

Some would say that kids under age 5 or 6 don't fully grasp reality. That they cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. This is a good thing because they use it as a learning opportunity. As they get older and, perhaps, more jaded, they lose this ability.

Once a child loses this ability and understands the difference between reality and fantasy, they often look at reality and it scares them. What if they try flying to the moon and they fail? What if they invite The Queen for tea and she turns down their invitation?

This kind of thinking causes people to fail before they even try. The obvious solution to this problem is to try even if you might fail. This brings to mind a quote by Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100% of the shots that you never take!” which leads us to the opening quote.

We have to help our kids learn to take the chance and act as if they cannot fail. They might still fail, but they might be wildly successful.

Having this attitude will give our kids a ton of confidence. Of course, they need confidence to have this attitude. It is sort of a chicken and egg situation. So we have to help them create a little bit of confidence so that it will grow.

Of course, the result of having this attitude will be that they will begin to see some results. Those results will give them more confidence and it becomes an upward spiral.

Once our kids start seeing results they get really proud of what they are doing. They are so proud that they start taking some more risks and their confidence grows some more and so on and so on.

At this point, even if they experience some failures, they have the confidence to keep on trying. Part of this was proven by a researcher, Carol Dweck who showed that kids who believe that their accomplishments are a result of their hard work are more likely to persevere. On the other hand, kids who believe that their accomplishments are the result of a talent that they were born with will be afraid to try again after a failure, most probably because they may not know how to create success again.

To accomplish this upward spiral of confidence, we can simply talk to our kids about their efforts. Simply asking them what they might try if they knew they could not fail will get them thinking.

The second step would be to ask them what the worst possible outcome will be if they fail. Would it simply be embarrassment? This might be reframed as pride in having tried. Might they feel “stupid”? This can be reframed as being smarter in that they now know what does not work.

What ever it is that we do, we have to help our kids create this upward spiral of confidence. It will serve them well for their whole lives!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

New research shows a visit to a zoo boosts science and environment knowledge

Research from the University of Warwick shows a trip to the zoo can boost your child’s science and conservation education more than books or classroom teaching alone.

In research conducted at ZSL London Zoo, more than 3,000 school children aged between seven and 14 were asked about their knowledge of animals, habitat and conservation and then tested again after their trip.

The results show that 53% had a positive change in educational or conservation-related knowledge areas, personal concern for endangered species or new empowerment to participate in conservation efforts. The study proves that their trip around the zoo provided a statistically significant increase in scientific learning about animals and habitats. When zoo visits were supplemented by an educational presentation by zoo staff this increase in learning almost doubled against self-guided visits.

Eric Jensen, a Professor of Sociology at the University of Warwick, who produced the report said: “Globally, more than a tenth of the world’s population passes through zoos annually so the potential is there to reach a huge audience.

“In recent years zoos have come under criticism for failing to demonstrate educational impact with certain lobbying groups arguing that it’s cruel to keep animals captive. But zoos have been changing for years now to offer more educational and conservation information; ‘behind the scenes’ access for visitors; learning about habitat conservation work – all of which culminate in a better engagement experience for the visitor.”

Children came away with a greater understanding of ideas such as conservation, habitat and extinction. Amongst those who had not previously registered a concern about species extinction, 39% switched to registering such a concern directly after a zoo trip.

The children were asked to draw their favourite animals and habitats before and after their trip to the zoo. The drawings were analysed and showed some remarkable improvements. Some 51% of ten-year-olds showed a real change in the drawings and the use of correct scientific terms such as ‘canopy’ and ‘rainforest’ and had a higher amount of animals placed in the correct habitat, e.g. a meerkat drawn in the desert.

zoo drawings

Eric added: “The research clearly shows the valuable role that zoos can play in children’s science learning. So with another Bank Holiday fast approaching, why not swap the theme park for a good zoo? Your kids and their favourite animals may thank you in years to come!”

To see the report in full:

http://warwick.academia.edu/EricJensen/Papers/402822/Learning_about_animals_science_and_conservation_Large-scale_survey-based_evaluation_of_the_educational_impact_of_the_ZSL_London_Zoo_Formal_Learning_programme

For further information contact Eric Jensen on +44 (0)24 7652 8427 m: +44(0)7894 222586 or Kate Cox, Communications Manager on +44 (0)2476 574255/150483, m: +44(0)7920 531221 or kate.cox@warwick.ac.uk.

New University of Houston research study links job stress in teachers to student achievement

3-year longitudinal study involves 200 middle school teachers and 20 H.I.S.D. schools



		IMAGE: Teresa McIntyre is a research professor in the department of psychology, University of Houston, and principal investigator. Click here for more information.

After 17 years of researching traumatic stress with war-afflicted populations (veterans and civilians) and job stress in the medical profession, Teresa McIntyre, a research professor in the department of psychology and the Texas Institute for Evaluation, Measurement and Statistics (TIMES), at the University of Houston (UH), decided to study another high risk occupation, middle school teachers in seventh and eighth grade.

"Teaching is a highly stressful occupation," McIntyre said. "Teacher stress affects various aspects of teacher health and may influence how effective teachers are in the classroom, with potential consequences for their students' behavior and learning.

"I started to research the literature on stress and teachers in the U.S. and found very little information. There was no comprehensive study of teachers' stress or even an audit of the percentage of teachers who are stressed. I saw a void here and a need to study."

McIntyre serves as primary investigator for a $1.6 million grant funded by the Institute of Education Sciences (IES), U.S. Department of Education, titled, "Using Longitudinal and Momentary Analysis to Study the Impact of Middle School Teachers' Stress on Teacher Effectiveness, Student Behavior and Achievement."

The research study starts at the beginning of this coming school year and follows 200 seventh-and eighth-grade social studies, science or math teachers in 20 middle schools in H.I.S.D. and thousands of students over a three-year period. The research team intends to identify predictors and outcomes of job stress in middle school teachers, linking teacher stress to student behavior and achievement via teacher effectiveness. The results of the data can be used to guide further development of interventions to mitigate teacher stress and, consequently, improve teacher effectiveness and student behavior and learning.



		IMAGE: Teachers use the i-Pod Touch to monitor their stress at work. Click here for more information.

"Middle school is probably the most difficult level to teach because student-teacher interactions are more difficult during this time, and this kind of difficulty in teacher-student interactions is a major source of stress for teachers at this level," McIntyre said. "For students it's a time of adolescence and many changes developmentally, and that is going to affect the dynamics of learning, as well as the social relationships and climate in the classroom. It's going to affect the teachers as well. Our premise is that if the teacher is stressed, their behavior will be different with students, and they will perform differently with students."

McIntyre conducted a pilot study in the Greater Houston area in 2010 that indicated that at least one third of middle school teachers may be significantly stressed.

The UH research team will combine an innovative multi-method approach to assessing stress and teacher effectiveness, which involves ecological momentary assessment or real-time assessment, concurrent physiological measurements that will monitor blood pressure and heart rate, and in-classroom observational ratings. The researchers will use the most current technology to assess stress, which includes self-report on a Teacher Stress Diary using an iPod Touch platform, and teacher effectiveness ratings on an iPad. Data will be collected on students in the teachers' classroom using teacher stress diaries, archival school records and observational ratings. The innovative software programs are being developed by Sean Woodward at TIMES and the novel statistical methodologies required to analyze the intensive longitudinal data generated by real time assessment will be provided by TIMES and the UH department of psychology faculty Paras Mehta. The methodological and technical support provided by the UH's TIMES, directed by David Francis, as well as its expertise in education research, are key to the implementation of this type of study.

"With this study we will be able to get a more dynamic picture of how teachers respond to stress in real time," McIntyre said. "And that's what this ecological momentary assessment does – it assesses stress through the person's diary report of stress when things are happening, very close to the event. Teachers will be able to report their emotions – positive, negative; how their cognitive functions are affected by stress; and what's happening at the moment in terms of social interactions, social conflict, demands on the job, the time pressure and whether they feel they are in control of their situation. They also report on effectiveness in instruction and classroom management, an on their student's behavior in the classroom"

McIntyre notes the larger contribution of the study is to take the pulse of the educational system and see what's happening in challenging economic times and to evaluate what impact this has on teachers and students, "The study addresses a key issue in contemporary education: how to improve teacher quality in the face of increasing demands in the education system; it is all about supporting teachers, students and school administrators at a time of depleted resources."

The results of the study may be used to guide further development of interventions to mitigate teacher stress and, consequently, improve teacher effectiveness and student behavior and learning. The data collected will be useful for school administrators and principals to know, such as what factors are causing teachers to be more stressed and less effective, and what resources can be arranged to change that trajectory into a positive one.

###

The research project is a collaborative effort with UH, the University of Houston-Clear Lake (UH-CL), the University of Pittsburgh, School of Medicine, and the Houston Independent School District (H.I.S.D.). UH collaborators are Paras Mehta, David Francis, Angelia Durand and Pat Taylor (psychology and TIMES), and Scott McIntyre (UH-CL); UH advisory board members are Christiane Spitzmueller and Qian Lu (psychology), and Chris Wolters (educational psychology); consultant is Dr. Thomas Kamarck, University of Pittsburgh.

A Practical Way To Help Your Child Succeed

Winning is overrated. The only time it is really important is in surgery and war. ~Al McGuire

We all want our kids to be successful. And we are willing to do just about anything to make that happen. Here is a way to help your child succeed that is a lot of fun. Simply put, get them involved in sports.

It is amazing how many researchers have studied the effect of sports on academic achievement and how almost each and every study found the same thing – kids who are involved in sports are more successful.

There are a few different reasons given for this in the articles. One interesting reason given is that it helps kids learn how to deal with failure and overcome it. We all know people who once they fail keep “stewing” in the bad feelings and have a hard time moving on. This is obviously not productive or helpful and it will only keep the person from movong forward.

When we teach our kids to deal with failures, they will learn how to overcome them and move forward. Obviously, sports is a great way to do this because the only lasting effects of winning or losing is the mental and emotional strength that it will build.

I love the quote by Michael Jordan that goes, “I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”

Another advantage of taking part in sports is that it teaches kids how to deal with others. Unfortunately, much of what happens in school is done all alone. Schools and teachers have been talking about cooperative learning for the last 20 years, but most of what happens, day to day in the classroom involves each student working individually.

There is certainly value in learning to work alone. But most of our lives we are interacting with other people. This skill is not taught in many classrooms. It is taught on every sports team. And, yes, here I am talking about team sports rather than tennis or karate.

Which brings me to my final point this is, our kids should play on teams. If you child loves tennis, then help him or her to excel at tennis. But there is also a value to playing in the little league or on the school basketball team. This will help your child to build the skills needed to work with others.

The benefits found of kids playing sports are greater academic achievement, including better grades, improved chances of attending college, and success in the labor market.

Of course, kids who play sports will also have a lower risk of child obesity which is rampant in the world today. People who play sports as kids are more likely continue as adults and stay healthier and slimmer as adults as well.

And one of the best reasons to have your child participate in sports is that it will give you a chance to have quality time with the kids. You will see your child in a whole new light and it will give you something to bond over.

So, as Nike says, “Just Do It!”

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Practical Ways To Make Every Day Mother’s Day

Last weekend, families in the United States celebrated Mother's Day. I actually just learned that some 70 countries celebrate Mother's Day on the second weekend of May. Of course, in those families that forgot to get a present, the refrain is, “Every day is Mother's Day!” And every mother would like to believe that every day is Mother's Day. So how can we do that? What would that look like?

One of the classic Mother's Day activities is breakfast in bed. The point of breakfast in bed is having your kids serve you rather than the usual of you serving them. It also shows the kids a way to help Mom.

What would this look like on an everyday basis? It might mean that the kids help with serving meals. Or when the kids get up to get a glass of water, offering to bring one for you. If you want your kids to help serve meals, one way to get that to happen is to make a request. How many Mom's complain that the kids never help, yet never ask the kids to help?!? You might even say that Mom's should “train” their kids to help. Even 2 year-olds can help set the table and serve meals. Obviously I would never ask them to carry a tray of hot meat with gravy, but they can certainly carry salad in a plastic bowl!

When your kids help prepare and serve meals you are not only taking some of the burden off of yourself, you are also helping your kids learn responsibility and you are helping your kids learn a family food culture. This may help them to avoid fast food and a diet of prepared foods in the future.

Mother's day is also a day for Moms to enjoy their kids. On Mother's Day, Moms try to ignore any shortcomings and be happy with the presents, the drawings and the nursery school art projects that are a part of Mother's Day. You can enjoy your kids every day and you can choose to not get upset about their shortcomings every day. One way to do this is every day, to say, “Jill, thank you for making me so happy today when you helped your brother with his homework.” “Johnny, thank you for being such a helper today when you made sandwiches for your sisters.”

This will “train” your child to be helpful and will also train them to show gratitude to people who help them. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

Finally, Mother's day is about celebrating Mom. And Mom should be celebrated every day. Everyday Mom should have some special time for herself. Everyday Mom should be acknowledged for the great works that she does. And everyday, everyone in the family should say “Thank You” to Mom.

So Moms. Everyday you should celebrate yourself and you should celebrate the wonderful children that you have. Everyday you should have some special time for yourself and you should help each of your kids have some special time for themselves.

So, yes, you can make every day Mother's Day. It will be a great learning experience for your kids and it will be great for you. Win-Win! And then your kids will make every day Mother's Day in their homes as well!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Photo compliments of Vera Kratochvil & www.PublicDomainPictures.com

Why We Should Teach Our Kids To Be Kind

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

I just read a fascinating article about some research about being kind. I had never really thought of it, but the authors make a good point that kindness is the “other side of the coin” of gratitude.

In their words, they said “Whereas gratitude results when people receive kindness from other people, kindness entails enacting kind behavior toward other people.” Having said this, it is no surprise that kindness makes people happy since we already know that gratitude makes people happier.

And being kind will make your child feel good. There is actually a release of endorphins in your body when you are kind. Endorphins are similar to morphine. You actually feel good when you are kind. I wonder if our kids can become addicted to being kind? What a great addiction that would be! And you sure wouldn't need any anti-depressants with that kind of addiction!

The researchers measured kindness in a few different ways. One way was to ask the participants how often they thought others were kind to them, how often they were motivated to be kind to others and how often they actually were kind to others. I think that first question is probably the step before gratitude. Once we recognize that someone has been kind to us, we can be grateful for it.

The researchers also gave the participants a happiness measure. Not surprisingly, those people who were happier were kinder. Or is it that those people who were kinder were happier?

Either way, we can learn an important lesson. There is a connection between kindness and happiness. So as with most other areas of happiness, we get to “kill two birds with one stone!” Those things that bring happiness are generally good things to do like being grateful, being kind and being self-compassionate.

Kindness can be toward friends or strangers. We can help our kids be kind to family members and teachers. Kindness toward any of these will help make us happy.

Happy people scored high in all three areas of happiness. They wanted to be kind, they recognized kindness more than unhappy people and they have more kind behaviors.

So what are some ideas for kind acts? How about a smile? Let's teach our kids to give passersby a smile. And we can give store-clerks a smile. Our kids can even smile to the driver in the car next to us. Or perhaps we can do a simple loving-kindness mediation which I have written about previously.

Even a small act like this can help your child to have a better day and make them happier. This happiness can spread throughout your family and improve all the relationships and interactions. How great would that be!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Happiness, comparatively speaking: How we think about life’s rewards

You win some, you lose some. You get the perfect job—the one your heart is set on. Or you get snubbed. You win the girl (or guy) of your dreams—or you strike out. Such are life’s ups and downs.

But what if you win and lose at the same time? You land a good job—but not a great one. Or you do get a plum offer—but not the one you wanted?

A study published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, says you’ll find a way to be happy anyway.

“Good outcomes have relative value and absolute value, and that affects our happiness,” explains Carnegie Mellon assistant professor Karim S. Kassam, who conducted the study with Carnegie colleague Carey K. Morewedge, Daniel T. Gilbert of Harvard University, and Timothy D. Wilson of the University of Virginia.

If you’re a “winner”—you get the best, relative to the alternatives—you’re happy regardless of the prize’s absolute value.

“Losers”—who win something less valuable than the alternative—may at first be disappointed, but they usually come around. “People are motivated to think about things in the best possible light,” says Kassam. So they move on to reflect on the absolute value, and find satisfaction there.

To test these phenomena, the authors ran two experiments. In the first, 297 people on the Boston streets were given lottery tickets. They were asked to scratch off one side and received cash in the amount printed underneath–$1, $3, $5, or $7. Then they scratched off the other side, revealing either a higher or lower amount. Afterwards, they completed questionnaires rating their happiness, disappointment, or regret.

The “winners” (who got the bigger of two amounts) were, unsurprisingly, happier than the losers—but also equally happy with any prize. The losers’ happiness, by contrast, increased with the prize amounts.

How does this work? A second experiment tested the hypothesis that the losers think harder to find happiness. The researchers distracted the participants brains while asking them to consider differing rewards.

In four trials, 31 participants were asked to memorize either a two- or an eight-digit number and choose one of two boxes with prize amounts ($3 or $5) inside, which were displayed on a screen. At the end, they were told, they’d receive the amount in one of their chosen boxes, randomly selected. Then both boxes opened. Unknown to the participants, the design made them all losers—they’d always pick the lesser amount. The combinations of memory difficulty—“cognitive load”—and cash received ($3 or $5) varied. In each trial, participants rated their feelings.

Again, larger prizes made these losers happier—but only when they had enough brainpower to think about it. Under higher cognitive load, they were glad to get either amount.

“When you win something, it’s always a positive experience,” says Kassam. “But if there’s this tinge of negative affect, that motivates people to rationalize, to reframe things in a way that will make them happy.” The good news: even if you can’t do that extra thinking, you’ll settle—for happiness.

###

For more information about this study, please contact: Karim S. Kassam at kskassam@cmu.edu.

Practical Ways To Teach Our Kids To Be Non-Judgmental

“It takes a good deal of character to judge a person by his future instead of his past” – Ralph Waldo Emerson(?)

You have most probably heard the story of the man who gets onto a subway in New York City at a very late hour with many of his kids in tow. The kids are being very boisterous, to put it mildly, and the man is distracted and not controlling them at all. A fellow passenger is getting more and more annoyed until she finally says something to him about controlling his kids. He looks up, still distracted and when he understands what the lady is saying he apologizes. “I'm sorry. I am just coming from the hospital where my wife just passed away and I am thinking about how things are going to be different.”

While most of us never verbalize our judgments about others to them, that doesn't stop us from thinking them. And often, we tell our judgments to others – also known as gossip. This really is a scourge in our society.

If we look at it from the perspective of evolution, it makes sense that we have a negative bias, always seeing the worst possible outcome. If you were a hunter walking in the meadow and the grass started rustling, you had to decide if it was the wind moving the grass or if it was a lion getting ready to pounce on you. If you has a positive bias and thought it was the wind but it was really a lion, you were in really big trouble. On the other hand, if you had a negative bias and you thought it was a lion and it was really the wind, you would run and nothing would happen. You would get to laugh about it the next day. From this perspective, a negative bias is a good thing. But, like so many things that served our species well 10,000 years ago, we have to change with the new reality that faces us.

Today, having a negative bias about people distances us from them. As Mother Theresa tells us, it prevents us from loving one another. And it certainly does not help to create good relationships.

Even most adults don't realize this, so how could we expect that our kids will know it intuitively? We have to teach them to minimize their judgment of others. How do we do this?

First, our kids have to be aware of it. We could do this by telling them how we ourselves are sometimes judgmental of someone. How we realize we were doing it and how we stop ourselves. Also, if our kids are ever being judgmental, we can gently tell them that it is not such a good idea.

The next step is to accept people just the way they are. We know that we really cannot change others, heck, we can barely change ourselves. So instead of “knocking our head against the wall”, just accept people as they are.

Finally, love them. Love the people that we are judging. I know it is difficult, but if your kids practice this, they will be loving to everyone – to strangers, to friends, to you, and most importantly, to themselves! And wouldn't that be nice!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Love And Respect

“Men are respectable only as they respect” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was recently asked if we can get our kids to both love and respect us. My answer was, “Sure!”

Some people seem to believe that the way to have their kids respect them is to be very disciplined, to “show the kids who's boss.” As I have written before, I think the best way to get kids to respect you is to teach them by being a role model.

What does respect look like? One thing it might look like is when people stand in a courtroom when the judge walks in. This is a very formal, perhaps old school type of respect, but I think it does have value. I remember when I was in high school, when a teacher or principal walked in, we stood up. There was certainly never a question of who was in charge and where “the buck stopped.” But I think it lacked a certain warmth and closeness. That was the atmosphere that my school was shooting for. This still exists in some schools where teachers are addressed by “Mr.” or “Mrs.”

At home, this might might be seen as a child never sitting in their parents chair at the table or never interrupting their parent. While this system certainly teaches a child to respect the institution or the position, I think there is a deeper respect that is not taught through this system.

As an example, when I was doing my doctoral studies, I called my advisor by his first name and there were few formalities between us. But with or without those formalities, I very much respected his ideas and opinions on education. I respected him because of his knowledge and wisdom. More than that, I respected him because he respected my ideas and opinions on education and life. Every question I asked was worthy of a thoughtful response. Every one of my opinions was worthy of consideration.

When I think about teaching my sons to respect me and my wife, this is what I think of. It would bother me much less if they sit in my chair at the table and much more that they dismiss my opinion without considering it. And I teach this by modeling it – I consider their opinion and if, in the end, I reject it, I give them a very good reason for disagreeing. This show of respect is much more important.

As for love, I think that is also an easy one. I get my kids to love me by loving them. And that love is unconditional. So for example, when my son vehemently disagreed with me, storming out of the house and slamming the door, the next time I saw him I told him that I loved him even though he was hurtful. And my actions toward him did not change. I did not punish him or stop talking to him or anything like that. I loved him just the same.

So as an answer to the question, “How can we get our kids to both love and respect us?” my answer is, “Love and respect them!” And when you practice this day after day, in every interaction with your child, you end up with a relationship that is the envy of all your peers!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Be Nice

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Brault

I recently read a list of “101 Things You Should Do If You Are Divorced With Kids” or something like that. It was things like “Don't ask your kids what happened at your ex's house” and “Don't fight in front of your kids”. Advice that is pretty commonsensical. I don't think most people who are divorced need to be told this, but a reminder never hurts.

There was one thing missing that really bothered me. The list did not include being nice to your ex!

Of course, we all tell our kids that they should be nice to the people in their lives. It is easy to be nice to your friends, it actually comes quite naturally. If you ask most people why they are nice to their friends, they would have a hard time answering. Just like it is difficult to explain how to breathe! We just do it! We rarely have to remind our kids to be nice to their friends.

We sometimes have to remind our children to be nice to new people. For example, when a new kid joins the class we often encourage our children to make the first gesture of friendship. Here the obstacle is, perhaps, awkwardness. But there usually is not a lot of resistance.

So far, we see that it is easy to be nice to someone we like. And it is not difficult to be nice to someone “neutral”. Now comes the more difficult part.

The difficult part comes when there is someone we don't like. Here is the real challenge and here is where the “teaching moment” with our kids comes in.

Yes, you should be nice to the people you don't like. There are many benefits to being nice to people you don't like, and the best possibility is that you will eventually like them and they will like you. Perhaps we don't like them because of a misunderstanding that, once cleared up, can become a point of partnership and friendship.

Also, when you are nice to many people, you increase your social circle. Research has shown that having a bigger group of friends has many benefits in health and happiness. Other people will notice your extra effort and will be willing to help you when needed. You can also widen your sphere of influence this way and become the “go to” person.

I am, in no way, advocating that you tell your kids to become a “sucker” for other people. They can actually extend a hand of friendship from a position of strength rather than a position of weakness. They don't need the other person's friendship, they are simply offering their own.

Of course, the best way to teach this is to model it for your children. And if you happen to be divorced, there would be so many benefits of acting this way. You would be teaching your children an important lesson, you would be lowering the stress with your ex, and you will truly be improving yourself!

This would truly be win, win, win all around!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

3-year longitudinal study involves 200 middle school teachers and 20 H.I.S.D. schools

You win some, you lose some. You get the perfect job—the one your heart is set on. Or you get snubbed. You win the girl (or guy) of your dreams—or you strike out. Such are life’s ups and downs.

Recent Posts