To guarantee success, act as if it were impossible to fail. ~ Dorothea Brande

 

None of us have to teach a child up to age 4 to act as if. It is so wonderful to watch kids this age play because they “get into it” completely. If a little girl is having tea with The Queen of England, as far as she is concerned, sitting across from her is The Queen of England. When a little boy is an astronaut flying to the Moon, they are on the way, I hoped you packed them a lunch!

Some would say that kids under age 5 or 6 don't fully grasp reality. That they cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. This is a good thing because they use it as a learning opportunity. As they get older and, perhaps, more jaded, they lose this ability.

Once a child loses this ability and understands the difference between reality and fantasy, they often look at reality and it scares them. What if they try flying to the moon and they fail? What if they invite The Queen for tea and she turns down their invitation?

This kind of thinking causes people to fail before they even try. The obvious solution to this problem is to try even if you might fail. This brings to mind a quote by Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100% of the shots that you never take!” which leads us to the opening quote.

We have to help our kids learn to take the chance and act as if they cannot fail. They might still fail, but they might be wildly successful.

Having this attitude will give our kids a ton of confidence. Of course, they need confidence to have this attitude. It is sort of a chicken and egg situation. So we have to help them create a little bit of confidence so that it will grow.

Of course, the result of having this attitude will be that they will begin to see some results. Those results will give them more confidence and it becomes an upward spiral.

Once our kids start seeing results they get really proud of what they are doing. They are so proud that they start taking some more risks and their confidence grows some more and so on and so on.

At this point, even if they experience some failures, they have the confidence to keep on trying. Part of this was proven by a researcher, Carol Dweck who showed that kids who believe that their accomplishments are a result of their hard work are more likely to persevere. On the other hand, kids who believe that their accomplishments are the result of a talent that they were born with will be afraid to try again after a failure, most probably because they may not know how to create success again.

To accomplish this upward spiral of confidence, we can simply talk to our kids about their efforts. Simply asking them what they might try if they knew they could not fail will get them thinking.

The second step would be to ask them what the worst possible outcome will be if they fail. Would it simply be embarrassment? This might be reframed as pride in having tried. Might they feel “stupid”? This can be reframed as being smarter in that they now know what does not work.

What ever it is that we do, we have to help our kids create this upward spiral of confidence. It will serve them well for their whole lives!

 


 

 

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

 

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

 

 

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Despite growing concern about the effects of media violence on children, violent television shows and movies continue to be produced and marketed to them. An Indiana University research study concludes that violence doesn't add anything to their enjoyment of such programs and their characters.

In a research study published in the journal Media Psychology, Andrew J. Weaver, an assistant professor of telecommunications in IU's College of Arts and Sciences, and colleagues tested a common view presented by media producers that children like to watch violent programming.

"Violence isn't the attractive component in these cartoons, which producers seem to think it is. It's more other things that are often associated with the violence. It's possible to have those other components, such as action specifically, in non-violent ways," Weaver said in an interview. "I think we should be concerned about violent content in cartoons in terms of the potential effect. This is one way that we can get around that from a producer's point of view.

"You don't have to cram violence into these cartoons to get kids to like them. They'll like them without the violence, just as much if not more," he said.

Violent cartoons have been a staple of Saturday morning programming for decades and now are readily available on cable television channels specializing in children's shows and cartoons. Many classic cartoons, such as those in the "Looney Tunes" series, have featured slapstick violence. But in recent years, action programs such as "Pokemon" and "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" have drawn much attention both because of their violent content and their popularity with young people.

Some content analyses have found that as many as 70 percent of children's television shows have violent content.

 

"For many producers and media critics, the question is not if children love violence, but rather why children love violence," Weaver and his co-authors wrote in the paper. "Our goal in this study was to examine children's liking of violent content while independently manipulating the amount of action, which is often confounded with violence in the existing research."

Co-authors include Jakob Jensen of Purdue University, Nicole Martins of IU, Ryan Hurley of North Carolina State University and Barbara Wilson of the University of Illinois.

The researchers used a sample group of 128 school children, ranging in age from five to 11 and from kindergarten to the fourth grade. There were a nearly equal number of boys and girls.

Research assistants showed each child one of four versions of a five-minute animated short created for the study and then led them through a questionnaire. The short was designed to resemble familiar slapstick cartoons. Four different versions of the cartoon were used. Six violent scenes were added to one version, which was carried out by both characters and in response to earlier aggression. Nine action scenes were added to another version. Two other versions had lower amounts of action or violence.

What they found was violent content had an indirect negative effect on whether boys enjoyed a program, due to how they identified with the characters.

 

"That was a little surprising," said Weaver, the father of two young sons. "There is a lot of talk about boys being more violent and more aggressive, for whatever reason, social or biological, and yet we found that they identified with the characters more when they were non-violent . . . They liked the characters more and they enjoyed the overall cartoon more.

"This is good news. If producers are willing to work on making cartoons that aren't violent so much as action packed, they can still capture their target audience better . . . and without the harmful consequences."

On the other hand, among girls violence did not decrease wishful identification of the characters. Weaver believes this may be because such slapstick cartoons are geared more toward boys than girls. Also, girls perceived the characters as boys, even though they were created without sexual attributes.

"They're not going to identify with what they perceive to be male characters, whether they are violent or not," he said. "They didn't prefer the more violent programming. They were just using other cues besides the character's violent or non-violent behavior to determine how much they enjoyed the show."

Weaver would like to apply his research to characters in more female-oriented programs, like "The Powerpuff Girls." He also recognizes that violence is seen by producers as an easy means to introduce action and conflict into a story.

"Alternatives could be things related to speed — characters going fast, moving quickly. It was one way that we manipulated action in this study," he said. "If you can increase action without increasing violence, which clearly is possible as we did it in this study, then you can increase the enjoyment without potential harmful effects that violence can bring.

The cartoon the researchers used, "Picture Perfect Thief," featured a villain called Eggle, who attempted to steal a painting created by a hero called Orangehead. Eggle ultimately fails and the hero's painting wins first place in an art show. It was created by a friend using Macromedia Flash.

 

###

 

An electronic copy of the paper is available from George Vlahakis at 812-855-0846 or gvlahaki@indiana.edu. Video of the cartoon created for the study is available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AU1-yL84bl4.


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 Winning is overrated. The only time it is really important is in surgery and war. ~Al McGuire

 

We all want our kids to be successful. And we are willing to do just about anything to make that happen. Here is a way to help your child succeed that is a lot of fun. Simply put, get them involved in sports.

It is amazing how many researchers have studied the effect of sports on academic achievement and how almost each and every study found the same thing – kids who are involved in sports are more successful.

There are a few different reasons given for this in the articles. One interesting reason given is that it helps kids learn how to deal with failure and overcome it. We all know people who once they fail keep “stewing” in the bad feelings and have a hard time moving on. This is obviously not productive or helpful and it will only keep the person from movong forward.

When we teach our kids to deal with failures, they will learn how to overcome them and move forward. Obviously, sports is a great way to do this because the only lasting effects of winning or losing is the mental and emotional strength that it will build.

I love the quote by Michael Jordan that goes, “I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”

Another advantage of taking part in sports is that it teaches kids how to deal with others. Unfortunately, much of what happens in school is done all alone. Schools and teachers have been talking about cooperative learning for the last 20 years, but most of what happens, day to day in the classroom involves each student working individually.

There is certainly value in learning to work alone. But most of our lives we are interacting with other people. This skill is not taught in many classrooms. It is taught on every sports team. And, yes, here I am talking about team sports rather than tennis or karate.

Which brings me to my final point this is, our kids should play on teams. If you child loves tennis, then help him or her to excel at tennis. But there is also a value to playing in the little league or on the school basketball team. This will help your child to build the skills needed to work with others.

The benefits found of kids playing sports are greater academic achievement, including better grades, improved chances of attending college, and success in the labor market.

Of course, kids who play sports will also have a lower risk of child obesity which is rampant in the world today. People who play sports as kids are more likely continue as adults and stay healthier and slimmer as adults as well.

And one of the best reasons to have your child participate in sports is that it will give you a chance to have quality time with the kids. You will see your child in a whole new light and it will give you something to bond over.

So, as Nike says, “Just Do It!”

 


 

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

 

 

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

 

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

 

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

 

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

 

 

Last weekend, families in the United States celebrated Mother's Day. I actually just learned that some 70 countries celebrate Mother's Day on the second weekend of May. Of course, in those families that forgot to get a present, the refrain is, “Every day is Mother's Day!” And every mother would like to believe that every day is Mother's Day. So how can we do that? What would that look like?
One of the classic Mother's Day activities is breakfast in bed. The point of breakfast in bed is having your kids serve you rather than the usual of you serving them. It also shows the kids a way to help Mom.
What would this look like on an everyday basis? It might mean that the kids help with serving meals. Or when the kids get up to get a glass of water, offering to bring one for you. If you want your kids to help serve meals, one way to get that to happen is to make a request. How many Mom's complain that the kids never help, yet never ask the kids to help?!? You might even say that Mom's should “train” their kids to help. Even 2 year-olds can help set the table and serve meals. Obviously I would never ask them to carry a tray of hot meat with gravy, but they can certainly carry salad in a plastic bowl!
When your kids help prepare and serve meals you are not only taking some of the burden off of yourself, you are also helping your kids learn responsibility and you are helping your kids learn a family food culture. This may help them to avoid fast food and a diet of prepared foods in the future.
Mother's day is also a day for Moms to enjoy their kids. On Mother's Day, Moms try to ignore any shortcomings and be happy with the presents, the drawings and the nursery school art projects that are a part of Mother's Day. You can enjoy your kids every day and you can choose to not get upset about their shortcomings every day. One way to do this is every day, to say, “Jill, thank you for making me so happy today when you helped your brother with his homework.” “Johnny, thank you for being such a helper today when you made sandwiches for your sisters.”
This will “train” your child to be helpful and will also train them to show gratitude to people who help them. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!
Finally, Mother's day is about celebrating Mom. And Mom should be celebrated every day. Everyday Mom should have some special time for herself. Everyday Mom should be acknowledged for the great works that she does. And everyday, everyone in the family should say “Thank You” to Mom.
So Moms. Everyday you should celebrate yourself and you should celebrate the wonderful children that you have. Everyday you should have some special time for yourself and you should help each of your kids have some special time for themselves.
So, yes, you can make every day Mother's Day. It will be a great learning experience for your kids and it will be great for you. Win-Win! And then your kids will make every day Mother's Day in their homes as well!

 
Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.
 
Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.
 
I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.
 
Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.
 
Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Photo compliments of Vera Kratochvil & www.PublicDomainPictures.com

 

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato
 
I just read a fascinating article about some research about being kind. I had never really thought of it, but the authors make a good point that kindness is the “other side of the coin” of gratitude.
In their words, they said “Whereas gratitude results when people receive kindness from other people, kindness entails enacting kind behavior toward other people.” Having said this, it is no surprise that kindness makes people happy since we already know that gratitude makes people happier.
And being kind will make your child feel good. There is actually a release of endorphins in your body when you are kind. Endorphins are similar to morphine. You actually feel good when you are kind. I wonder if our kids can become addicted to being kind? What a great addiction that would be! And you sure wouldn't need any anti-depressants with that kind of addiction!
The researchers measured kindness in a few different ways. One way was to ask the participants how often they thought others were kind to them, how often they were motivated to be kind to others and how often they actually were kind to others. I think that first question is probably the step before gratitude. Once we recognize that someone has been kind to us, we can be grateful for it.
The researchers also gave the participants a happiness measure. Not surprisingly, those people who were happier were kinder. Or is it that those people who were kinder were happier?
Either way, we can learn an important lesson. There is a connection between kindness and happiness. So as with most other areas of happiness, we get to “kill two birds with one stone!” Those things that bring happiness are generally good things to do like being grateful, being kind and being self-compassionate.
Kindness can be toward friends or strangers. We can help our kids be kind to family members and teachers. Kindness toward any of these will help make us happy.
Happy people scored high in all three areas of happiness. They wanted to be kind, they recognized kindness more than unhappy people and they have more kind behaviors.
So what are some ideas for kind acts? How about a smile? Let's teach our kids to give passersby a smile. And we can give store-clerks a smile. Our kids can even smile to the driver in the car next to us. Or perhaps we can do a simple loving-kindness mediation which I have written about previously.
Even a small act like this can help your child to have a better day and make them happier. This happiness can spread throughout your family and improve all the relationships and interactions. How great would that be!
 

 
Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.
 
Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.
 
I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.
 
Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.
 
Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com
 

 

Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life. ~ Joel Osteen

In addition to all the other good reasons to be happy, I recently read some research about why we humans are grateful.

Firstly, gratitude lets the other person know that you received benefit from them. The more benefit we receive, the more grateful we are. Apparently, we are also more grateful if the giver has no ulterior motives. I thought about kids when I read this. I guess it makes sense that our kids are more grateful to strangers than they are to us, they may perceive that we have an ulterior motive – namely, we are their parents.

Another good reason to be grateful is that when we are grateful, the “giver” is more likely to continue giving. So, for example, if our children regularly thank their teacher for help, the teacher is more likely to continue giving help. A very practical example of this is that when a waiter or waitress writes “Thank You” on the bill, the diner is more likely to leave a larger tip. So in a selfish way, being grateful will benefit ourselves and our children.

Now here is one of the things that surprised me the most. Researchers found that those people who were most grateful, acted the nicest. The word they used was “prosocial” behavior which means that you act in a way that is helpful toward others and toward the group. So when we teach our kids to be grateful, they become more helpful and they will “fit into” the group better.

They were also more likely to help the person they were grateful to and they were more likely to help complete strangers. So it was not just reciprocity that drove the grateful to be helpful, being grateful actually makes you a nicer person!

Another experiment showed that when people journaled for two weeks about what they were grateful for, they offered more emotional support to friends and they also offered more tangible help. Also, people who are more grateful are more trusting.

But here may be the most important reason to teach your kids to be grateful. I know from my experience as a teacher, and any teacher will agree, that when a child thinks they are in control, they will work harder. And it makes sense. If I control the outcome, then I will work harder to become more successful. If it is out of my hands (the teacher doesn't like me) then I won't bother trying harder.

Well, kids who are grateful tend to attribute another person's good fortune to stable causes under their control rather than attribute good fortune to pure luck.

It is so important for kids to feel in control of their fate. It is also important for kids to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes.

I have not discussed much about how to get kids to be grateful, but I will give you just one simple strategy. Ask them what they are grateful for! At least once a day, ask you child to complete the sentence, “I am so happy and grateful that _______!” That's it.

And when you and your kids are grateful, nicer, more helpful, and take responsibility, just imagine how great a relationship you will have!

 


 

 

 

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

 

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

 

 

The best way to teach a child to be grateful is to be grateful. ~Shaya Kass
 
I know a couple that is truly a model for all marriages. It is not particularly surprising that they are not the wealthiest couple that I know. They don't live in the biggest house, they don't have the hardest or easiest jobs. I can go on and on about how they are pretty average in external measures. What is striking, is that that they each are very grateful for what the other brings to the marriage and the relationship. Each person has their own strengths and the other appreciates those strengths.
 
I just read a wonderful research study that explains them. This study was done in North Carolina with 50 couples who had been married an average of 20 years. The researchers measured three things, satisfaction with the relationship, how much each partner felt gratitude and how much each partner expressed gratitude.
 
What is truly surprising is that more than expressing gratitude, how much partner #1 felt gratitude was strongly related to how much partner #2 was satisfied with the relationship. Imagine that! If I want my wife to be satisfied with our relationship, all I have to do is feel gratitude for her.
 
If I had to guess as to why this was, I would think it was because we send off subliminal signals. The researchers wrote about how sometimes we say something yet our partner can get an underlying message that we are not saying with words. Bottom line, the people we are close to understand our non-verbal communication.
 
Now what I am about to say is not shown or proven by this study. But I am willing to bet that this works with our kids as well. If I want my child to feel satisfied with our relationship, I have to be grateful for him and what he brings to my life.
 
This is not so difficult to do. All you have to do is remember what it is they do for you and why you love them. In the coaching lingo we call this “mindfulness”. Be mindful of how great your kids are. Think about how they enrich your life – and think about this everyday.
 
All too often, we get caught up in the day-to-day problems. In my house, it is often that my kids don't wash their dishes. It has come to the point that a pot may sit for three or four days because my wife and I are tired of washing their dishes for them. So I have to make sure that I don't let this frustration get in the way of loving my kids and remembering all the wonderful things they bring to my life.
 
Is it scientifically proven that this will work? No. But I can tell you that it works in my house. Try it in yours. I can promise you that it will not hurt and it may ensure a wonderful, rewarding relationship with your kids.
 

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

 

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

 

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

 

Request your free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

 

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

 

 

It takes a good deal of character to judge a person by his future instead of his past” – Ralph Waldo Emerson(?)

You have most probably heard the story of the man who gets onto a subway in New York City at a very late hour with many of his kids in tow. The kids are being very boisterous, to put it mildly, and the man is distracted and not controlling them at all. A fellow passenger is getting more and more annoyed until she finally says something to him about controlling his kids. He looks up, still distracted and when he understands what the lady is saying he apologizes. “I'm sorry. I am just coming from the hospital where my wife just passed away and I am thinking about how things are going to be different.”

While most of us never verbalize our judgments about others to them, that doesn't stop us from thinking them. And often, we tell our judgments to others – also known as gossip. This really is a scourge in our society.

If we look at it from the perspective of evolution, it makes sense that we have a negative bias, always seeing the worst possible outcome. If you were a hunter walking in the meadow and the grass started rustling, you had to decide if it was the wind moving the grass or if it was a lion getting ready to pounce on you. If you has a positive bias and thought it was the wind but it was really a lion, you were in really big trouble. On the other hand, if you had a negative bias and you thought it was a lion and it was really the wind, you would run and nothing would happen. You would get to laugh about it the next day. From this perspective, a negative bias is a good thing. But, like so many things that served our species well 10,000 years ago, we have to change with the new reality that faces us.

Today, having a negative bias about people distances us from them. As Mother Theresa tells us, it prevents us from loving one another. And it certainly does not help to create good relationships.

Even most adults don't realize this, so how could we expect that our kids will know it intuitively? We have to teach them to minimize their judgment of others. How do we do this?

First, our kids have to be aware of it. We could do this by telling them how we ourselves are sometimes judgmental of someone. How we realize we were doing it and how we stop ourselves. Also, if our kids are ever being judgmental, we can gently tell them that it is not such a good idea.

The next step is to accept people just the way they are. We know that we really cannot change others, heck, we can barely change ourselves. So instead of “knocking our head against the wall”, just accept people as they are.

Finally, love them. Love the people that we are judging. I know it is difficult, but if your kids practice this, they will be loving to everyone – to strangers, to friends, to you, and most importantly, to themselves! And wouldn't that be nice!

 


 

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

 

 

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

 

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

 

 

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. ~Sonya Friedman

I read some fascinating research about a program that help people to stop smoking. The rationale behind the research was that when people are trying to stop smoking, they are stressed. When people are stressed, they usually have negative self-talk. If the smokers were able to practice self-compassion, they were more likely to not go back to smoking.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if we taught this to our kids. Imagine if our kids were able to practice this compassionate mind therapy on themselves whenever they were in a stressful situation. They would always be level-headed and thinking straight.

The reason practicing self-compassion works is because what we conjure up in our mind has the same effect on our body as if it was actually happening. If being in a stressful situation causes our body to produce adrenaline, then thinking about a stressful situation also produces adrenaline. So when we are stressed, even though we will not be running or fighting, our body gets ready to that – fight or flight. Our body gets more blood to our arms and legs and gets less blood to our brains. The rationale is simple, running from a tiger doesn't take much thought but your legs better be working as best they can!

Now, if your son or daughter is taking a test and they are very stressed, their body will be producing adrenaline. But here the system doesn't work. Now they need as much blood going to their brain as possible, not less! But the adrenaline will be sending extra blood to their legs – what a waste!

So we should be teaching our kid ways to not get stressed. And compassionate mind training is one such way. The compassionate mind training is done by having each participant imagine their own perfect compassionate person. Who is it that can always comfort them? How old are they? What do they look like? What does your most compassionate person think to themselves? What is their voice like? Now integrate that person into you!

In the smoking program, the smokers then had their “compassionate person” write them a letter saying how proud they were that they were quitting smoking, knowing that there would be hard times and supporting them no matter what. Then, every time the participant wanted a cigarette, they would conjure up their compassionate self.

Imagine what this could do for our kids! Every time they are in a situation where there is peer-pressure, they would have a compassionate self there to help them. Every time they were in a tense situation , their compassionate self could calm them down. They would never need to turn to cigarettes or other destructive habits!

And, of course, if they have a wonderful relationship with themselves, they will certainly have a wonderful relationship with their friends and their friends will be happy to spend time with them.

And, best of all, this will do wonders for their relationship with you!

 

 


Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

 

 

Men are respectable only as they respect” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was recently asked if we can get our kids to both love and respect us. My answer was, “Sure!”

Some people seem to believe that the way to have their kids respect them is to be very disciplined, to “show the kids who's boss.” As I have written before, I think the best way to get kids to respect you is to teach them by being a role model.

What does respect look like? One thing it might look like is when people stand in a courtroom when the judge walks in. This is a very formal, perhaps old school type of respect, but I think it does have value. I remember when I was in high school, when a teacher or principal walked in, we stood up. There was certainly never a question of who was in charge and where “the buck stopped.” But I think it lacked a certain warmth and closeness. That was the atmosphere that my school was shooting for. This still exists in some schools where teachers are addressed by “Mr.” or “Mrs.”

At home, this might might be seen as a child never sitting in their parents chair at the table or never interrupting their parent. While this system certainly teaches a child to respect the institution or the position, I think there is a deeper respect that is not taught through this system.

As an example, when I was doing my doctoral studies, I called my advisor by his first name and there were few formalities between us. But with or without those formalities, I very much respected his ideas and opinions on education. I respected him because of his knowledge and wisdom. More than that, I respected him because he respected my ideas and opinions on education and life. Every question I asked was worthy of a thoughtful response. Every one of my opinions was worthy of consideration.

When I think about teaching my sons to respect me and my wife, this is what I think of. It would bother me much less if they sit in my chair at the table and much more that they dismiss my opinion without considering it. And I teach this by modeling it – I consider their opinion and if, in the end, I reject it, I give them a very good reason for disagreeing. This show of respect is much more important.

As for love, I think that is also an easy one. I get my kids to love me by loving them. And that love is unconditional. So for example, when my son vehemently disagreed with me, storming out of the house and slamming the door, the next time I saw him I told him that I loved him even though he was hurtful. And my actions toward him did not change. I did not punish him or stop talking to him or anything like that. I loved him just the same.

So as an answer to the question, “How can we get our kids to both love and respect us?” my answer is, “Love and respect them!” And when you practice this day after day, in every interaction with your child, you end up with a relationship that is the envy of all your peers!

 


 

 

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Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com