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Be Nice

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Brault

I recently read a list of “101 Things You Should Do If You Are Divorced With Kids” or something like that. It was things like “Don't ask your kids what happened at your ex's house” and “Don't fight in front of your kids”. Advice that is pretty commonsensical. I don't think most people who are divorced need to be told this, but a reminder never hurts.

There was one thing missing that really bothered me. The list did not include being nice to your ex!

Of course, we all tell our kids that they should be nice to the people in their lives. It is easy to be nice to your friends, it actually comes quite naturally. If you ask most people why they are nice to their friends, they would have a hard time answering. Just like it is difficult to explain how to breathe! We just do it! We rarely have to remind our kids to be nice to their friends.

We sometimes have to remind our children to be nice to new people. For example, when a new kid joins the class we often encourage our children to make the first gesture of friendship. Here the obstacle is, perhaps, awkwardness. But there usually is not a lot of resistance.

So far, we see that it is easy to be nice to someone we like. And it is not difficult to be nice to someone “neutral”. Now comes the more difficult part.

The difficult part comes when there is someone we don't like. Here is the real challenge and here is where the “teaching moment” with our kids comes in.

Yes, you should be nice to the people you don't like. There are many benefits to being nice to people you don't like, and the best possibility is that you will eventually like them and they will like you. Perhaps we don't like them because of a misunderstanding that, once cleared up, can become a point of partnership and friendship.

Also, when you are nice to many people, you increase your social circle. Research has shown that having a bigger group of friends has many benefits in health and happiness. Other people will notice your extra effort and will be willing to help you when needed. You can also widen your sphere of influence this way and become the “go to” person.

I am, in no way, advocating that you tell your kids to become a “sucker” for other people. They can actually extend a hand of friendship from a position of strength rather than a position of weakness. They don't need the other person's friendship, they are simply offering their own.

Of course, the best way to teach this is to model it for your children. And if you happen to be divorced, there would be so many benefits of acting this way. You would be teaching your children an important lesson, you would be lowering the stress with your ex, and you will truly be improving yourself!

This would truly be win, win, win all around!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Care!

If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded. ~Maya Angelou

I have to begin with an admission. While I write this, I am a little angry. Perhaps I should calm down before I write, but if I go overboard, my editor (my wife) will “clean” it up. If you are reading this newsletter, I guess I was okay!

I teach English at a local college. I work in various departments, one of which has an administrator that I often don't agree with. I have been an administrator in the past and I always tried to make sure that the quality of the educational experience of the students was my guiding principle. I don't feel that this administrator shares that value.

Yesterday a colleague said to me, “They don't care, why should you care?” My response was. “The day I stop caring, please fire me.”

We live in a world where many people have become numb and have ceased to care. I know that many people are overwhelmed, but caring is so important. Perhaps if we can pass this on to our children, even if we are ourselves are numb already, the future of the world will be better than the present.

Often people say, “It is not my business, I don't want to get involved.” The best analogy that I once read for this argument is that if an elephant is standing on the tail of a mouse, the mouse will not appreciate your desire to stay neutral.

If your child sees another child being bullied at school, it may or may not be appropriate to intervene in the moment. It is possible that your child will be hurt. But it is completely appropriate, and you should encourage your child, to talk to the victim afterward. The last thing the victim needs to feel is that not a soul in the world cares about him or her.

The self-centered reason to care about others is so that they will care about you. Having more people that you care about and that care about you has been shown to increase happiness, health and success. It is a way to grow your social network. Having close relationships with family and close friends is important. Having many relationships in a “second circle” of friends is also important for creating a healthy social network that will increase many positive psychological outcomes.

One way to get ahead in the world is to be recognized as outstanding. My mother used to say that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In an era when most people don't care, it doesn't take a lot of caring to stand out as a special person. That is not to say that we should teach our kids to care only enough to get ahead. But we can point out that a little caring goes a long way, a lot of caring goes even further!

And of course, if our kids are caring, they will care about their parents and siblings as well, which will lead to a peaceful and loving house!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Do You Want To Raise A Courageous Child?

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is certainly a character trait that we want in ourselves and in our children. But what makes someone courageous? How can we foster courage? And, perhaps most important, Can we even agree on an answer to “What is courage?”

As Redmoon tells us, courage does not mean that we have no fear. In fact, quite the opposite, if you have no fear, you have nothing to overcome so you don't need courage. You can only be courageous when you have fear and you figure out a way to overcome the fear and do what needs to be done anyway.

This tells us that there are as many kinds of courage as there are fear. To help your child be courageous, you have to find out what they fear.

A child who is afraid to feel foolish if they try to make a goal and miss, will build courage by trying to make a goal that is “iffy”. A child who is afraid that his or her classmates will laugh at them if they get up in front of the class shows courage by making that speech in front of the class.

Now one might say that you can live your whole life without these forms of courage and you can still be happy. After all, many people have never made a goal in soccer and I have seen that as many as 75% of people have a fear of public speaking.

But think, for a moment, about the courage of Rosa Parks, or the courage of Gandhi. Or for a more modern example, think about the courage of the many dissidents in China or Iran who are jailed for speaking their views in public.

Does your child have the courage to ignore ridicule if a classmate is being treated poorly? Does your child have the courage to speak their mind if all their friends will disagree? Being courageous is important if it means that a victim will be saved.

The way to become courageous is by doing courageous things. Talk to your child about what they fear and about overcoming those fears. Talk to your child about doing the right thing even if it means others may not agree with you.

Another way to teach courage is by talking to your child about situations in which you overcame fear. Perhaps it was a fear of public speaking. Perhaps it was a fear of asking for a raise.

When children get to practice courage and are taught the value of courage, they will learn to be courageous. This is an important skill and value in life.

And by sharing their values, you will create a better relationship with them and help them to become great kids and great people!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Are Your Responses Just Right?

“Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows.” – Ben Stein

I recently read about some research on what makes good marriages. Of course, there is a ton of research about why marriages go bad. Dr Shelly Gable looks at what goes right in a good marriage.

One of the important factors, not surprisingly, is how one spouse responds to the other's news. You might think it is all about showing empathy when your spouse relates bad news. For example, how you respond when your husband comes home and tells you he has been laid off of work. But Dr Gable actually looks at how we respond to good news.

There are four possible responses. As an example from my own life, I was recently asked to create a new course at the university where I teach. When I told my wife this news, one way she could have responded was by being both positive and enthusiastic – “Wow, great, I'm so proud of you.” Another possible way was positive and subdued – “Good news.” A third possibility would have been enthusiastically negative – “Oh my, that will be a lot of work, and what if they don't accept your proposal after you do the work. And that may mean another evening class.” The final possibility was passive and negative – “Oh, okay, by the way, the market was out of your favorite kind of cereal.”

It is pretty obvious which is the best way to respond. (And, yes, my wife was very positive and very enthusiastic and immediately began to tell her family and our friends. I think she was more positive and enthusiastic than I was!)

To give you another example from my life, seven or eight years ago when I decided to run a marathon, I told my father. His response was, “Don't hurt yourself. You know running a marathon can be bad for your ankles and knees” or something to that effect. Now I know that my father said this only out of love and concern for me, I have no doubt about that. But that love and concern did not make me feel very good at the moment.

The reason the first response is so powerful is because of something psychologists call “capitalizing”. You take the pleasure of the present moment and capitalize on it and spiral the positive emotions upward. And this is a key to strong relationships.

Some of us are very good at responding actively and enthusiastically. And we reap the rewards in wonderful relationships with our spouses and kids.

Some of us have trouble responding enthusiastically when we are distracted. So if we are at the game when our child's team wins the game, we will pick them up and jump up and down. But what if they tell us when we are in the middle of watching a football game? Or reading our email? (The email is my downfall!)

And sometimes, out of love and concern, we respond negatively, like my Dad did. I am not saying we shouldn't be concerned. But perhaps we should bring it up later on. First, let's give an enthusiastic response and then brainstorm how to overcome any problems.

So think a little bit about how you respond when your children (or spouse) come home with good news. And think about if there is room for improvement. If you keep improving, you will create a better relationship with your kids!

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Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

How Meditation Can Help You And Your Child

I first heard about Loving Kindness Meditation in a podcast with Marci Shimoff, the author of Happy For No Reason. It is a really beautiful mediation that can be done all day long, not just in the lotus position in a quiet corner of your home.

There are different versions of the Loving Kindness Meditation, but all of them have a similar intention. The version that I like to do goes like this:

Start thinking about yourself and say (or think), “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I have love, may my life be filled with ease. Then think of someone close to you. For example, I usually go to my wife next and I say, “Tova, may you be happy. Tova, may you be healthy, etc”

I can do it in the lotus position in my living room in the morning before my family wakes up or I can also do it while I am driving my car.

After going through your loved ones, you move on to people who are neutral in your life. For example, you may be stopped at a red light, look over to the driver next to you and send him or her loving kindness.

The challenge is to then think of the negative people in your life. The person who cut you off in traffic, Your boss who gives you a hard time every day, or perhaps your mother-in-law (if you're not as lucky as me to have a mother-in-law that I loved) and send them loving kindness.

When I first heard this and started practicing it, it always made me feel good and I knew that it helped me to stay positive. Now I find out that a group of psychologists tested the Loving Kindness Meditation and found that it truly helps people to build positive emotions.

Dr Barbara Fredrickson and her colleagues taught this to 100 employees at a hi-tech company. They had another 100 employees who did not learn the technique (until after the experiment) and they compared the two groups. The group that learned the technique, let's call them the meditators, were more mindful and savored the past, present and future. They had more gratitude, more hope, more love and more pride.

The meditators were able to both give more social support and to receive more social support. The meditators were able to create more positive relationships with others.

Finally and not too surprisingly, the meditators reported fewer illnesses and better sleep.

So how can you use this with your kids? Would it work for you to do a loving kindness meditation every night when you tuck them in? What if every night, with your child, you started off with, “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be loved, may my life be filled with ease.” And then go through this for members in your family, for classmates, for teachers, etc.

If you do this, you will be raising a loving child and you will be building a great relationship!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Be Proud Of Your Kids And Let Them Know

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I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much. – Bob Newhart

Like Bob Newhart, I too am very proud of my marriage and of my children. If I had grandkids, I am fairly certain I would be proud of them as well, but I have not yet been blessed with grandkids.

We just spent the weekend with my wife's aunt and uncle. My boys were great. At every meal they jumped up to help, they took part in the conversation, they didn't fight, they were just great. I often tell my sons how proud I am of them, but it is usually after we have spent time with another family whose kids behave poorly. In those cases, my kids stand out as wonderful. This weekend they stood out as wonderful kids without needing a negative comparison.

And on Saturday when we were heading home, I made sure to let them know.

So do you let your kids know that you are proud of them? I believe it is very important to let our kids know we are proud of them and why.

One way to look at this is the way we look at performance reviews at work. The best way to give a performance review is to be specific about what the employee does well and what the employee doesn't do well. If an employee is given specific information about what they are doing well and what they are not doing well, the assumption is that they will do more of the “good stuff” and less of the “bad stuff”.

I have said before that kids just want to be loved. Kids will do just about anything for love and attention. The first thing that new teachers are told about discipline is to “catch the kids being good” so that the kids get praise for positive behavior and will try to do more of it.

Telling your kids that you are proud of them is similar. By telling your kids you are proud of them you are “catching them being good” and letting them get more and more praise for that.

Just like with a performance review, be specific. “I am proud of you for helping serve the meal.” “I am proud of you for cleaning your room so nicely.” “I am proud of you for working hard on your book report.”

Research by Carol Dweck of Stanford University tells us that we should praise our kids for their effort rather than their performance. In the future we want them to make the effort again and again. If we praise their performance they may be afraid to try hard things because they may fail and not get the praise for the good performance. But if they get praise for their effort, they will consistently make the effort because that is what will get them praise.

When you praise your children for the effort they make and for doing what you expect them to do, they will continue to make the effort and they will continue to do what is expected. When they learn to do this as kids, they will continue to do this as adults. You will have taught them to do this without screaming and threatening, but with praise and pride.

You will be setting yourself up to have a wonderful relationship with your kids for many years to come. And isn't that what you really want? To have a wonderful relationship with your kids when they are great, productive, happy adults?!

No Man Is An Island

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I just heard some fascinating research about positive psychology and cities. We all know the stereotypes. We all think that New Yorkers are brusk, perhaps even obnoxious. We think of Los Angelenos as friendlier if not a little shallow. And we think of Atlantans as very warm and welcoming southerners. The first question we should ask is whether these stereotypes are true. The second question we should ask is, “If it is true, how does it affect us and our kids?”

We now have some answers to these questions. Two researchers, Nansoon Park and Chris Peterson, looked at the results from the Values In Action Survey of Strengths by city.

San Francisco, Los Angeles and Oakland were the cities with the greatest number of people who had the strengths of (1) appreciation of beauty, (2) creativity, (3) curiosity and (4) love of learning. Park and Peterson called these “Strengths of the Head” since they are all more intellectual strengths. This means that if you live in one of these cities, you are surrounding yourself with people who are more intellectual, creative and who love learning. There will probably be more opportunities for you to introduce your children to these strengths and for them to interact with people who have these strengths.

El Paso, Mesa, Miami and Virginia Beach rated highest for strengths of the heart like (1) fairness, (2) forgiveness (3) gratitude and (4) hope. There are more in this list but you get the idea that these people are probably more interested in other people rather than art or learning. You might say these cities have a lot of “people” people.

What does this mean for you and your kids? I am not suggesting that you pick up and move to a city that has the qualities that you are looking for. But realizing that your city may be stronger in one area or another allows you to try to make up the “deficit” and make sure to expose your children (and yourself) to other things in your city.

When children are exposed to many different kinds of activities they are likely to become more curious about many different things and more likely to find their own natural talent. If a child has “an artist” inside of them and they are only exposed to sports, they may be very frustrated when they cannot find a career that seems to suit them.

Cities often have a variety of activities for children. While Silicon Valley cities are more likely to have computer activities for kids, I am sure you can also find art activities. And while Boston may have more history related activities, you can search out some martial arts.

You have to realize that where you live has an affect on you and on your children. You may be happy about the affect your city has or you may realize that there are things you want to fill in. Simply being aware of is the first step toward addressing areas that might be weak or missing.

Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?

"Prosperity is a way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just a lack of money or things. "

Eric Butterworth

When Ben was about 4 or 5 years old he asked my wife to buy something. I really don't remember what it was but My wife said that it was a lot of money and that we didn't have the money for that purchase. His response was, “Then let's go to the bank machine and get some money!”

Wow! That should have been a big old red flag to my wife and I that we had to teach some Ben about money and also to help him think about his values around money. To be honest, we failed. If I could go back in time 15 years, I would do a very different job about teaching my kids about money. But I have missed the best teaching opportunity and not I have to try to play catch-up. I can still do a decent job, but it will not be the same.

The very first thing you have to do to answer the question, “Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?” is to think about the values that you want to teach your child about money. Think about the following questions:

Do you want your child to think that money comes with no effort?
Do you want your child to think that money comes for doing the things you would otherwise have to do , like washing your dishes?
Do you want to teach your child about saving money? Tithing? Investing?
Do you want to teach your child that money is a source of strife and disharmony?

Once you have thought about these question, you are ready to start thinking about allowance.

Some people give allowance to their kids with no strings attached. $1 each week whether the child has done chores or not. As we call that in our family, “Just for being a part of the family.” Some say that this can create a situation in which your child expects money to come like manna from heaven. Do nothing and money appears. Is this the attitude you want your child to have? Some would call this a way of showing love. You can explain to your child that the money is simply a token of your love. The money is like the flowers you might bring your lover, or the book you might buy for a friend as a present. Do you want your child to be reminded regularly, in a concrete way, that you love them?

Some people give money for doing chores like making their bed and clearing the table. This might create a situation in which your child expects money for things they would do anyway. They may get a rude awakening when they “get out into the real world.” Others say this is simply an incentive to diminish arguing. If so, will you not give allowance if your child doesn't do these basic chores.

Others only give money for “special” chores that would not otherwise be expected of your child. For some that might be mowing the lawn. For others it might be painting a fence. The problem with this approach might be that your child may not have a regular source of income and will get used to boom and bust times and may not learn to budget. Perhaps you can give an everyday “special” chore, like making your bed!

One idea that I heard from Amanda van der Gulik is to pass money for lessons through your child. So for example, if your child wants guitar lessons, give your child $25 each week and then they will pay for the lesson. This will help them to learn the value of money.

The bottom line in all these ideas is that you have to consider what you are trying to create and plan from there. The bad news is that I cannot tell you what is right for you. The good news is that there is no wrong answer, only the right answer for you!

Why It Is Important For Your Kids To Be Happy

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Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln

I heard a very interesting interview with Dr. Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist. He gave a very simple yet powerful explanation of why happiness is important.

Dr Lipton told about an experiment that he had done. He had a stem cell that he grew in a petri dish and then had many stem cells. He then separated the cells into different petri dishes and by changing the growth medium in the dishes, he was able to have the cells grow into either bone cells, muscle cells or fat cells. All the cells were genetically identical, they had all come from the same cell. The only thing that changed was the growth medium and which was able to so radically change the cells themselves.

He also took some of the cells and put them in a very poor environment. Of course, the cells started to die. That is expected. But to revive the cells he didn't give them medicine nor did he give them therapy. As you probably figured out already, all he did was put them in a healthy environment.

Now think about your body and your child's body. What is the growth medium for the cells in your body? Why, it is your blood, of course! Your blood carries oxygen to your cells and takes away carbon dioxide. It brings nutrients to the cells and takes away waste. But there are also the hormones in the blood which both greatly affect our mood and are effected by our mood.

So let's say you want to have lots of “good hormones”. Those hormones are ones that promote growth of cells and healing like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. How do you do that? Well, if you open your eyes and see the love of your life, or a beautiful sunrise or you have to go to your award ceremony that day, your brain is pumping all of these wonderful hormones into your blood.

On the other hand, if you open your eyes and see someone pointing a gun at you or if you see a fire in your room or you wake up and you know you have a test that day on a subject that you just don't understand, your brain will be flooding your blood and body with stress hormones like adrenaline. This will make your body start shutting down, and your brain will stop thinking straight.

This is why it is so very important for our kids to be happy and why your kids need you to help them be easy-going. Of course, there are stressful situations when stress hormones are needed. But a test is not one of them! Nor is not having the same shoes as Sally or the same baseball mitt as Johnnie.

I have heard many times that happier people are healthier. Now it makes sense to me. People who are happy have cells that are living in a growth medium (their blood) that is full of good chemicals which promote good health. People who are stressed have their cells floating in a toxic environment.

So the question with the obvious answer is, ”Which do you want for your child?”

Why You Should Teach Your Child The Art Of Giving

“If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another.” Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

I just started reading a wonderful book by Stephen Post and Jill Neimark called “Why Good Things Happen To Good People”. Let me start by saying that this book is all about science. Dr. Post is the director of an institute at the medical school of Case Western University. He commissions scientists to do studies that are verifiable – which is the gold standard of science.

The studies that Post and Neimark quote in the book show that people who give are healthier and live longer. Other studies show that people who give are happier. And most of us have experienced that feeling as well.

These research studies show that giving does more than makes us feel good in the moment. Giving has long term effects on our lives.

Post and Neimark quote studies that show that people who volunteer as teenagers live longer lives. Imagine that! Volunteering as a teenager can change health outcomes 50 or 60 years later! What an effect! People who volunteer as senior citizens also live longer.

And think back to your own experience. Think back to a time that you volunteered. Perhaps you helped out serving meals to the homeless during the holidays. Or brought meals to needy families. Perhaps you went to a school to help kids who were struggling. Or even helped at an animal shelter.

How did you feel when you finished? You probably felt pretty good. You were probably pretty proud of yourself. Let's say you went back to the office and met the staff curmudgeon. You know – the guy who tell you what's wrong with any and every situation. Was he able to get you down when you got back to the office that day? I bet not. You were probably walking on air the rest of the day.

Have you made sure that your child has that feeling? Have you let your child have that wonderful experience? What are you waiting for? Even a 2 year old can help deliver meals over the holidays. You and I both know it may be easier without their help, but let them help.

Make sure to explain to your kids that these people are nice normal people who happen to have some bad circumstances. And hopefully, those circum-stances are temporary and things will get better soon. And in the meantime, your are just helping out a little.

Your child will learn that circumstances don't “make” the person, that if they themselves are in a little trouble it doesn't make them a bad person or a loser. They will learn that even if they are in a little trouble, their circumstances will change and they can look forward to that. And they will experience that good feeling you get when you help out someone else!

When your child learns to enjoy these experiences and learns to give more often, they will be doing the very things that will help them to have a long and healthy life!

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