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If We Teach Our Kids To “Act As If . . .”, They Are Going To Be Successful

To guarantee success, act as if it were impossible to fail. ~ Dorothea Brande

None of us have to teach a child up to age 4 to act as if. It is so wonderful to watch kids this age play because they “get into it” completely. If a little girl is having tea with The Queen of England, as far as she is concerned, sitting across from her is The Queen of England. When a little boy is an astronaut flying to the Moon, they are on the way, I hoped you packed them a lunch!

Some would say that kids under age 5 or 6 don't fully grasp reality. That they cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. This is a good thing because they use it as a learning opportunity. As they get older and, perhaps, more jaded, they lose this ability.

Once a child loses this ability and understands the difference between reality and fantasy, they often look at reality and it scares them. What if they try flying to the moon and they fail? What if they invite The Queen for tea and she turns down their invitation?

This kind of thinking causes people to fail before they even try. The obvious solution to this problem is to try even if you might fail. This brings to mind a quote by Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100% of the shots that you never take!” which leads us to the opening quote.

We have to help our kids learn to take the chance and act as if they cannot fail. They might still fail, but they might be wildly successful.

Having this attitude will give our kids a ton of confidence. Of course, they need confidence to have this attitude. It is sort of a chicken and egg situation. So we have to help them create a little bit of confidence so that it will grow.

Of course, the result of having this attitude will be that they will begin to see some results. Those results will give them more confidence and it becomes an upward spiral.

Once our kids start seeing results they get really proud of what they are doing. They are so proud that they start taking some more risks and their confidence grows some more and so on and so on.

At this point, even if they experience some failures, they have the confidence to keep on trying. Part of this was proven by a researcher, Carol Dweck who showed that kids who believe that their accomplishments are a result of their hard work are more likely to persevere. On the other hand, kids who believe that their accomplishments are the result of a talent that they were born with will be afraid to try again after a failure, most probably because they may not know how to create success again.

To accomplish this upward spiral of confidence, we can simply talk to our kids about their efforts. Simply asking them what they might try if they knew they could not fail will get them thinking.

The second step would be to ask them what the worst possible outcome will be if they fail. Would it simply be embarrassment? This might be reframed as pride in having tried. Might they feel “stupid”? This can be reframed as being smarter in that they now know what does not work.

What ever it is that we do, we have to help our kids create this upward spiral of confidence. It will serve them well for their whole lives!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Why We Should Teach Our Kids To Be Kind

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

I just read a fascinating article about some research about being kind. I had never really thought of it, but the authors make a good point that kindness is the “other side of the coin” of gratitude.

In their words, they said “Whereas gratitude results when people receive kindness from other people, kindness entails enacting kind behavior toward other people.” Having said this, it is no surprise that kindness makes people happy since we already know that gratitude makes people happier.

And being kind will make your child feel good. There is actually a release of endorphins in your body when you are kind. Endorphins are similar to morphine. You actually feel good when you are kind. I wonder if our kids can become addicted to being kind? What a great addiction that would be! And you sure wouldn't need any anti-depressants with that kind of addiction!

The researchers measured kindness in a few different ways. One way was to ask the participants how often they thought others were kind to them, how often they were motivated to be kind to others and how often they actually were kind to others. I think that first question is probably the step before gratitude. Once we recognize that someone has been kind to us, we can be grateful for it.

The researchers also gave the participants a happiness measure. Not surprisingly, those people who were happier were kinder. Or is it that those people who were kinder were happier?

Either way, we can learn an important lesson. There is a connection between kindness and happiness. So as with most other areas of happiness, we get to “kill two birds with one stone!” Those things that bring happiness are generally good things to do like being grateful, being kind and being self-compassionate.

Kindness can be toward friends or strangers. We can help our kids be kind to family members and teachers. Kindness toward any of these will help make us happy.

Happy people scored high in all three areas of happiness. They wanted to be kind, they recognized kindness more than unhappy people and they have more kind behaviors.

So what are some ideas for kind acts? How about a smile? Let's teach our kids to give passersby a smile. And we can give store-clerks a smile. Our kids can even smile to the driver in the car next to us. Or perhaps we can do a simple loving-kindness mediation which I have written about previously.

Even a small act like this can help your child to have a better day and make them happier. This happiness can spread throughout your family and improve all the relationships and interactions. How great would that be!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Here Is A Practical Way To Teach Your Child Self-Compassion

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. ~Sonya Friedman

I read some fascinating research about a program that help people to stop smoking. The rationale behind the research was that when people are trying to stop smoking, they are stressed. When people are stressed, they usually have negative self-talk. If the smokers were able to practice self-compassion, they were more likely to not go back to smoking.

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if we taught this to our kids. Imagine if our kids were able to practice this compassionate mind therapy on themselves whenever they were in a stressful situation. They would always be level-headed and thinking straight.

The reason practicing self-compassion works is because what we conjure up in our mind has the same effect on our body as if it was actually happening. If being in a stressful situation causes our body to produce adrenaline, then thinking about a stressful situation also produces adrenaline. So when we are stressed, even though we will not be running or fighting, our body gets ready to that – fight or flight. Our body gets more blood to our arms and legs and gets less blood to our brains. The rationale is simple, running from a tiger doesn't take much thought but your legs better be working as best they can!

Now, if your son or daughter is taking a test and they are very stressed, their body will be producing adrenaline. But here the system doesn't work. Now they need as much blood going to their brain as possible, not less! But the adrenaline will be sending extra blood to their legs – what a waste!

So we should be teaching our kid ways to not get stressed. And compassionate mind training is one such way. The compassionate mind training is done by having each participant imagine their own perfect compassionate person. Who is it that can always comfort them? How old are they? What do they look like? What does your most compassionate person think to themselves? What is their voice like? Now integrate that person into you!

In the smoking program, the smokers then had their “compassionate person” write them a letter saying how proud they were that they were quitting smoking, knowing that there would be hard times and supporting them no matter what. Then, every time the participant wanted a cigarette, they would conjure up their compassionate self.

Imagine what this could do for our kids! Every time they are in a situation where there is peer-pressure, they would have a compassionate self there to help them. Every time they were in a tense situation , their compassionate self could calm them down. They would never need to turn to cigarettes or other destructive habits!

And, of course, if they have a wonderful relationship with themselves, they will certainly have a wonderful relationship with their friends and their friends will be happy to spend time with them.

And, best of all, this will do wonders for their relationship with you!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Do You Want To Raise A Courageous Child?

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is certainly a character trait that we want in ourselves and in our children. But what makes someone courageous? How can we foster courage? And, perhaps most important, Can we even agree on an answer to “What is courage?”

As Redmoon tells us, courage does not mean that we have no fear. In fact, quite the opposite, if you have no fear, you have nothing to overcome so you don't need courage. You can only be courageous when you have fear and you figure out a way to overcome the fear and do what needs to be done anyway.

This tells us that there are as many kinds of courage as there are fear. To help your child be courageous, you have to find out what they fear.

A child who is afraid to feel foolish if they try to make a goal and miss, will build courage by trying to make a goal that is “iffy”. A child who is afraid that his or her classmates will laugh at them if they get up in front of the class shows courage by making that speech in front of the class.

Now one might say that you can live your whole life without these forms of courage and you can still be happy. After all, many people have never made a goal in soccer and I have seen that as many as 75% of people have a fear of public speaking.

But think, for a moment, about the courage of Rosa Parks, or the courage of Gandhi. Or for a more modern example, think about the courage of the many dissidents in China or Iran who are jailed for speaking their views in public.

Does your child have the courage to ignore ridicule if a classmate is being treated poorly? Does your child have the courage to speak their mind if all their friends will disagree? Being courageous is important if it means that a victim will be saved.

The way to become courageous is by doing courageous things. Talk to your child about what they fear and about overcoming those fears. Talk to your child about doing the right thing even if it means others may not agree with you.

Another way to teach courage is by talking to your child about situations in which you overcame fear. Perhaps it was a fear of public speaking. Perhaps it was a fear of asking for a raise.

When children get to practice courage and are taught the value of courage, they will learn to be courageous. This is an important skill and value in life.

And by sharing their values, you will create a better relationship with them and help them to become great kids and great people!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

No Man Is An Island

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I just heard some fascinating research about positive psychology and cities. We all know the stereotypes. We all think that New Yorkers are brusk, perhaps even obnoxious. We think of Los Angelenos as friendlier if not a little shallow. And we think of Atlantans as very warm and welcoming southerners. The first question we should ask is whether these stereotypes are true. The second question we should ask is, “If it is true, how does it affect us and our kids?”

We now have some answers to these questions. Two researchers, Nansoon Park and Chris Peterson, looked at the results from the Values In Action Survey of Strengths by city.

San Francisco, Los Angeles and Oakland were the cities with the greatest number of people who had the strengths of (1) appreciation of beauty, (2) creativity, (3) curiosity and (4) love of learning. Park and Peterson called these “Strengths of the Head” since they are all more intellectual strengths. This means that if you live in one of these cities, you are surrounding yourself with people who are more intellectual, creative and who love learning. There will probably be more opportunities for you to introduce your children to these strengths and for them to interact with people who have these strengths.

El Paso, Mesa, Miami and Virginia Beach rated highest for strengths of the heart like (1) fairness, (2) forgiveness (3) gratitude and (4) hope. There are more in this list but you get the idea that these people are probably more interested in other people rather than art or learning. You might say these cities have a lot of “people” people.

What does this mean for you and your kids? I am not suggesting that you pick up and move to a city that has the qualities that you are looking for. But realizing that your city may be stronger in one area or another allows you to try to make up the “deficit” and make sure to expose your children (and yourself) to other things in your city.

When children are exposed to many different kinds of activities they are likely to become more curious about many different things and more likely to find their own natural talent. If a child has “an artist” inside of them and they are only exposed to sports, they may be very frustrated when they cannot find a career that seems to suit them.

Cities often have a variety of activities for children. While Silicon Valley cities are more likely to have computer activities for kids, I am sure you can also find art activities. And while Boston may have more history related activities, you can search out some martial arts.

You have to realize that where you live has an affect on you and on your children. You may be happy about the affect your city has or you may realize that there are things you want to fill in. Simply being aware of is the first step toward addressing areas that might be weak or missing.

Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?

"Prosperity is a way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just a lack of money or things. "

Eric Butterworth

When Ben was about 4 or 5 years old he asked my wife to buy something. I really don't remember what it was but My wife said that it was a lot of money and that we didn't have the money for that purchase. His response was, “Then let's go to the bank machine and get some money!”

Wow! That should have been a big old red flag to my wife and I that we had to teach some Ben about money and also to help him think about his values around money. To be honest, we failed. If I could go back in time 15 years, I would do a very different job about teaching my kids about money. But I have missed the best teaching opportunity and not I have to try to play catch-up. I can still do a decent job, but it will not be the same.

The very first thing you have to do to answer the question, “Should You Give Your Kids Allowance?” is to think about the values that you want to teach your child about money. Think about the following questions:

Do you want your child to think that money comes with no effort?
Do you want your child to think that money comes for doing the things you would otherwise have to do , like washing your dishes?
Do you want to teach your child about saving money? Tithing? Investing?
Do you want to teach your child that money is a source of strife and disharmony?

Once you have thought about these question, you are ready to start thinking about allowance.

Some people give allowance to their kids with no strings attached. $1 each week whether the child has done chores or not. As we call that in our family, “Just for being a part of the family.” Some say that this can create a situation in which your child expects money to come like manna from heaven. Do nothing and money appears. Is this the attitude you want your child to have? Some would call this a way of showing love. You can explain to your child that the money is simply a token of your love. The money is like the flowers you might bring your lover, or the book you might buy for a friend as a present. Do you want your child to be reminded regularly, in a concrete way, that you love them?

Some people give money for doing chores like making their bed and clearing the table. This might create a situation in which your child expects money for things they would do anyway. They may get a rude awakening when they “get out into the real world.” Others say this is simply an incentive to diminish arguing. If so, will you not give allowance if your child doesn't do these basic chores.

Others only give money for “special” chores that would not otherwise be expected of your child. For some that might be mowing the lawn. For others it might be painting a fence. The problem with this approach might be that your child may not have a regular source of income and will get used to boom and bust times and may not learn to budget. Perhaps you can give an everyday “special” chore, like making your bed!

One idea that I heard from Amanda van der Gulik is to pass money for lessons through your child. So for example, if your child wants guitar lessons, give your child $25 each week and then they will pay for the lesson. This will help them to learn the value of money.

The bottom line in all these ideas is that you have to consider what you are trying to create and plan from there. The bad news is that I cannot tell you what is right for you. The good news is that there is no wrong answer, only the right answer for you!

Do You Want To Teach Your Kids Respect?

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“A youth is to be regarded with respect. How do you know that his future will not be equal to our present?”

- Confucius

I am sure you know of some families where the kids are always provoking each other. When one kid says something another has to tell them that they are wrong or just put them down.

There are even some families where the kids are insulting at the parents and putting the parents down for things that they say.

Guess how much fun it is to be around these families. I sometimes wonder how the parents put up with it!

Now I cannot say what the parents in these families did or did not do, but I do know that this NEVER happens in my family and I have an idea why.

My wife and I were talking recently about our kids. ( Okay, we always talk about our kids, but that is besides the point!) We noticed that our kids are always respectful to us and to each other. They often play around with each other and even wrestle sometimes. There are even tears occasionally when our 11 year old takes on his 20 year old brother – but our oldest son never intends to hurt the little one, it just happens during the play.

My wife and I were wondering what we “did right”. My theory is that we always showed them respect.

What exactly is respect? Part of it is that we often asked their opinion and then took it into consideration. If we did not take their advice we explained why. When I made mistakes with my kids, I apologized. I let them know that their feelings are important, that I value their feelings and that I was sorry that I had hurt their feelings. And there were times I punished my kids or “forced” them to do things they did not want to do. That is part of parenting. But, again, I made sure they knew that their feelings and opinions were important, but that in this case I had to overrule them.

I guess the simplest way to make a long story short is that I valued my kids and made sure they knew it.

Another VERY important way to model respect for your kids is to respect your spouse. Do you listen to your spouse's opinion? Do you interrupt? Do you help and support your spouse, not only around the house but with their own work?

What is the outcome of all this? I see two outcomes. Firstly, your child will learn to respect others. They will respect their teachers, they will respect other adults, and they will respect their friends. The outcome of this is that all these people will, in turn, respect your child.

But there is a MUCH more important outcome. Your child will have self-respect. A person who has self-respect is positive, pleasant and takes care of themselves. A person with self-respect most likely will not have addiction problems.

Self-respect is so important. Teach your child self-respect by respecting them!

Did You Forget To Schedule You Into Your Day?

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“The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” Stephen R. Covey

Parents are often super-busy these days. They work a full day, they have to run a household, usually without help, and they have to raise the kids. So we make schedules. 6-8 in the morning is set aside for the getting the kids ready for daycare or school, 8 to 4 is set aside for work where every minute is scheduled, 4-7 is pick up the kids and make dinner, 7-8 is time for baths and bedtime, 8-10 is laundry, washing up miscellany and if you are lucky you sleep from 10 to 6 (hah hah!) Oh yeah – the work you brought home to finish! When will you do that?

If that schedule looks something like yours, you have blocked out time for your kids, your boss, and your house. You forgot you!

I love the Louis E. Boone quote that goes, “I am definitely going to take a course on time management… just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.” You immediately see the irony of it. Yet you don't see the irony of not having time in your schedule for you. If you never take any time for yourself, you will not be functioning as well as you can for everyone else.

“But”, you say, “I don't have time.” “I am doing it for my kids.” “I'll rest when I'm dead.” You know these don't hold much in real life. But if you do want to be selfless and do it for your kids, how about teaching your kids to take time for themselves! Don't do it for you, do it to teach them! After all, do you want your children to grow up and have a crazy schedule like you?!

The very first step to getting some time into your schedule for yourself is to recognize that it should be there. If you don't make yourself a priority, no one else will!

Step two is to get some help. You need someone else's time so that you can have some time. The first person you might turn to is your spouse. You go out Monday night and they go out Wednesday night. Or you switch off every other Saturday morning.

That obviously won't work if you are a single parent or if you would like to have a “date night”. So you may turn to your parents or in-laws. But many people don't live near their own families. So what can you do?

What about a time-off exchange program. What if you took your neighbor's kids every Monday evening and they took yours on Wednesday? Then you both benefit.

Jack Canfield tells a story of welfare moms in the projects of Chicago who finished college that way.

So there are solutions for how to go about getting some time – now what? What do you do with your new found time?

Anything you want. If you need some mental health time, have coffee with a friend. Or perhaps you can go for a walk on the beach or in the park. Exercise is always a good idea. Perhaps a massage. You should do whatever will rejuvenate you and make you feel good.

The bottom line is that if you see the value in taking time for yourself, you will make it happen. And if you do, you will thank yourself for doing it. Your kids will also thank you.

Why “Date Night” Is Important For Your Kids

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Do you think Date Night is important for you? Do you think Date Night is important for your kids? The answer to both questions is “Yes”.

And if you are a single Mom then Date Night can mean going out with a girlfriend. And if you are single Dad it can mean going out with friends to a pub.

Last night my wife and I went to the beach to walk along the water. Our little one was put to bed by his older brother. Even if he had been put to bed by a babysitter, I think the long-term benefits would have been worth it.

When was the last time you had a date night? Does it feel like you barely know who your spouse is anymore? And the most important question is, ”Do you understand the value of date night, not for you and your wife but also for your kids?”

We can tell our children everything that is important. But, as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. What lessons can your children learn from Date Night?

Lesson number one is that taking some time for themselves is very important. But when is the last time that you took time for yourself? And this is so critical. If you are constantly on the treadmill and you only take a break one week a year that you are on vacation, you will burn out. You know it. Is that what you want to show your children? Or do you want to show them a balanced life that integrates work, family and time for yourself? You get to choose what you show your kids.

Lesson number two is showing your kids the importance of nurturing relationships. If you are in sales, you know how important it is to nurture relationships. If you are a manager you know how important it is to nurture relationships. And – truth be told – if you are human you know how important it is to nurture relationships. Do you show your children nurturing relationships? Shouldn't you?

Going out on date night accomplishes both of these things and you get a date with your special someone. When your child complains that you are going out (without them) you can tell them that (a) you have to nurture your relationship with Daddy or Mommy and (b) you want to take some time to make yourself even better for tomorrow. You might use words like, “I want to have some special time with Mommy so that I can love her more than I already do. It is okay for Mommy and Daddy to have some time to ourselves, and you know what? Tomorrow I think I will love you more also!” Tell your child straight out why you are doing it and what the benefit will be to them.

So the next time you take time for yourself and your child complains, let the know the benefits to you and to them. They still may not like it, but they will begin to learn important life lessons.

The Ultimate Father’s Day Gift

Happy Father's Day. Today you may have received a tie or a coffee cup or a picture frame. These are all wonderful presents and we both know that it is the thought behind the present that is most important. They brought a smile to you today and will tomorrow when you use it. But I would like to offer you a present that will bring a smile to your face every day for the rest of your life.

The present I am offering is a wonderful relationship with your kids.

You get to choose the relationship you have with your kids. Your wife doesn't get to choose, your parents don't get to choose and even your kids don't get to chose. You have all the power.

I am sure you look around at others fathers and their kids and sometimes you are a little bit jealous. Their kids give them a high five and a hug when they get to home base. Those fathers know exactly what to say when their kid loses an important soccer game.

Or perhaps you look at fathers of more grownup kids who have a great relationship with their kids. Their kids do well in school, they go on ski vacations together and these Dads speak lovingly of Thanksgiving dinner.

Perhaps you believe you could never have this. Well your wrong. Recent psychological research shows that you can change your beliefs, and furthermore, by changing your beliefs you can change your personality. Don't you want that “Dad personality” that these wonderful Dad's have.

So what do you have to do? The absolute first thing that you would have to do is believe that you can! Believe that you can be the kind of Dad that has a wonderful relationship with your kids. Believe that you can be the kind of Dad whose kids actually enjoy his company. If you don't believe you can, then you can't! Once you believe that you can be a great Dad, it is just a matter of tweaking a few beliefs here and there that will give you that great Dad mindset, that will create you as a great father.

It was James Joyce who said “I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.” So what should you start “establishing” or believing?

Firstly, that you and your son or daughter can have a great relationship in which you share your hopes and wishes, accomplishments and disappointments. You can share your feelings with your child and you can make your child feel secure enough that they will share their feelings with you. The first step here is to start making them feel secure. That means keeping your word to them, respecting them and their opinions, listening to them when they speak and asking them their opinion. All of these things make kids feel respected and cared for, in a word, it makes them feel secure. If they know that they can feel secure with you, they will feel secure and this will lead to a wonderful relationship.

Next, you have to believe that your kids trust you. Are you trustworthy with your kids? Do you have integrity around your kids? This is actually very easy unless you've made a mistake. Most kids are trusting, perhaps even too trusting. That is why we have to warn them to be wary of strangers. Your kids will trust you until you tell them that you will be home to tuck them in and you get home an hour later – for the tenth time. They will trust you until you tell them you will make it to the baseball game and you don't even make it to the pizza shop afterward. Things come up, but just communicate with your kids as soon as you know. Practice as much integrity with your kids as you expect your business partner or the people who work for you to practice with you.

And finally, you have to be sincerely interested in your kids. You have to believe that what goes on in their life is more important, than watching the evening news, playing fantasy football or checking your stocks. If you believe that what goes in your child's life is more important than just about anything else you could be doing, you will be sincerely interested in them.

These three simple beliefs will bring you the ultimate relationship with your kids and truly make every day of the rest of your life Father's Day!

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