3 Small Steps To Help Our Kids Break Out Of Their Comfort Zone

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” ~Abraham Maslow

As Dr Maslow tells us in today's quote, we are either moving forward or moving backward. And moving forward means overcoming the fear to grow out of our comfort zone.

Of course, we all want our kids to grow and to do that we have to help them a little bit. Sometimes we help them by holding their hand and sometimes we help them by “pushing them out of the nest” and watching them grow wings on the way down.

So what should we do to help our kids grow out of their comfort zone? Three of the many things is to help them to realize that it won't kill them, to help them to take small steps and to help them keep their eye on the goal.

As Maslow told us, fear has to be overcome every single time we are trying to grow. Our kids may not realize this. They may even become so used to the chemicals in their body that are created when they feel fear, that fear feels normal and confidence feels abnormal. They simply have to overcome the fear.

You can help them with this by, first of all, naming the fear. They may not even know what they are afraid of, just a general feeling of fear. Once you ask them to name it and they talk about it, they may realize that there is nothing to fear in the first place.

Once they leave the grip of fear, we can help them with small steps toward reaching their goal. You most probably remember when your kids were little and you wanted them to stay in a playgroup or daycare alone, you began by playing with them on the floor. Then you may have said something like, “My legs are hurting, I am going to sit on the chair at the end of the room and you stay here and play.” Then you said, “I have to go to the bathroom, I will be back in one minute.” And this way you “eased” yourself out of the room and it was not too traumatic for them (or for you.) You gave them little steps to independence.

Similarly, with anything that they are fearing, give them little steps to the big goal.

And finally, we have to help them to keep their eyes on the goal. They have to be reminded why they are going through the discomfort. That will help them to get through it and to achieve their goals.

This, of course, is an important life lesson. How many people do you know who are paralyzed by fear from doing something that is important to them. Whether it be speaking to a potential mate to starting their own business.

These simple steps will set your child on a lifelong path of doing what it takes to grow and flourish.

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

I help parents create relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Sincere, deep, loving relationships. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. I offer tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at http://www.PositiveParentPlus.com.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Labels Are For Cans, Not People

“Labels are for cans, not people.” ~Anthony Rapp

I had a weird experience this past weekend. My youngest son and some of his friends had a bonfire on Saturday night. (Don't worry, I watched the whole thing and it was all done safely with the fire doused at the end.)

One of the young ladies at the bonfire arrived with friends and toward the end her Mom came to hang out and then take her home. I have seen the Mom around school but I don't know her.

When the daughter saw the Mom, she said, “Oh, no!” I understood it to be mostly out of surprise, perhaps not expecting to get picked up or not expecting her Mom so early. Her mother's response was, “Yes, the witch has arrived.” The Mom referred to herself a few more times during the evening as “The Witch”.

Now, as I said, I don't know the Mom or the daughter and I really don't know the relationship they have, but I was so bothered that this women would accept the label of “Witch”. Deep down, every child knows that what their parents do is out of love and wanting to protect and nurture their children. Often, children will disagree with the means to that end, but rarely is the goal disputed. And some children may harbor some doubts about the goal, but, I believe, they are pretty sure that their parents want to support them.

But if you tell your child that you are a witch, they may have more doubts than average. They may be less and less sure that you only have their highest good in mind. When you label yourself it is often limiting and usually negative. Even the label “parent” often limits us in how much we can be our children's “friend”. We certainly act in a friendly manner, but there is a limit. This is not bad, but it is limiting.

Imagine the limits you are putting on yourself when you label yourself “Witch”. Or if you label yourself “Uncaring”, as in “I don't care what you think or what you want”.

Imagine the difference if you give yourself the label “Loving” as in “You have to go to sleep now because I love you and I think it is the best thing for you.”

Obviously, the remarks that I heard were said against a background of a deep relationship. Some parents purposefully steer their relationship with their kids in a certain direction. Some parents rarely give it a thought and are then surprised when the relationship turns out to be negative.

So think about the labels you and your kids might put on your relationship and how those labels might change the relationship.

And while you are at it, think about the labels you put on your children. Perhaps “lazy”, perhaps “sloppy”. I used to use a label of “not careful”.

So be careful with your labels, be careful with your words and, most of all, be careful with your relationships!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Achieving Goals Can Be As Simple As A, B, C

“Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.” ~Bo Jackson

Ah! If only it were that easy! We all know that we should set goals. We all know that we should write down our goals. But then comes the part about “don't stop till you get there ” and things get complicated. (If you want help with goals or goal setting, drop me a note, I have a lot of resources to help you.)

I read a very interesting piece of research about reaching our goals. It speaks directly to the whole idea of not getting tripped up on the way to our goals.

In contrast to what Bo Jackson says in today's quote, the second step to achieving your goals is to believe that you can. Whether we believe we can achieve our goal or not is affected by many sources of information and, in turn, affects our ability to achieve a goal. These sources include whether we have done something similar before, whether we know someone else who has achieved a similar goal, encouragement from others and our psychological states. For example, when I was working on my doctorate, I was pretty confident. I had been successful in school before, I knew other people who had completed a doctoral degree and my wife and my advisor were very encouraging.

This leads us to step one with your kids. They are more likely to believe that they will reach a goal if (1) you point out to them similar things they did in the past, (2) other people they know who have done similar things and (3) you give them encouragement.

As an example, I once had a client whose son wanted to play basketball but when he got to the “tryouts” he got nervous and didn't want to go onto the court. What may have helped was if my client had talked to her son and pointed out similar situations where he had succeeded, like going into a big class at school, We also might have pointed out to the child that Johnny from his class and Jimmy from down the block both go out to the court and play basketball. And finally, which of course Mom already did, would be to give her son lots of encouragement.

The key part of the research was changing the students “inner-speech”. Whenever we have goals, we always start with a lot of spirit and determination. Once we hit a problem, some of us start to give up. How can we avoid that? The researchers found that all we have to do is plan to be successful.

The researchers gave high school girls a difficult math test. One group was told to use the the self-talk ‘‘I will correctly solve as many problems as possible!’’. Certainly upbeat and positive … but not enough. The second group was also given the statement ‘‘And if I start a new problem, then I will tell myself: I can solve it!’’ Not greatly different, but the girls did almost twice as well! WOW!

Just by telling themselves that they could do it, the girls were able to double their scores. First of all, this tells us a lot about positive self-talk. It really does work and it works really well. Depending on our self-talk, we can double our efforts and successes.

Second, this tells us something about how we should structure our self-talk. We should tells ourselves that we can do it. That simple statement, “I can solve it!” did amazing things for the girls taking the math test.

We could teach our kids to use this before tests, during sports competitions or before stressful situations. Just imagine how our kids will feel knowing they can double their chances of success!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Happy children make happy adults

New research links well-being in adolescence with life satisfaction in adulthood

Being a 'happy' teenager is linked to increased well-being in adulthood, new research finds.

Much is known about the associations between a troubled childhood and mental health problems, but little research has examined the affect of a positive childhood. For the first time, researchers from the University of Cambridge and the MRC Unit for Lifelong Health and Ageing have analysed the link between a positive adolescence and well-being in midlife.

Using information from 2776 individuals who participated in the 1946 British birth cohort study, the scientists tested associations between having a positive childhood and well-being in adulthood.

A 'positive' childhood was based on teacher evaluations of students' levels of happiness, friendship and energy at the ages of 13 and 15. A student was given a positive point for each of the following four items – whether the child was 'very popular with other children', 'unusually happy and contented', 'makes friends extremely easily' and 'extremely energetic, never tired'. Teachers also rated conduct problems (restlessness, daydreaming, disobedience, lying, etc) and emotional problems (anxiety, fearfulness, diffidence, avoidance of attention, etc).

The researchers then linked these ratings to the individuals' mental health, work experience, relationships and social activities several decades later. They found that teenagers rated positively by their teachers were significantly more likely than those who received no positive ratings to have higher levels of well-being later in life, including a higher work satisfaction, more frequent contact with family and friends, and more regular engagement in social and leisure activities.

Happy children were also much less likely than others to develop mental disorders throughout their lives – 60% less likely than young teens that had no positive ratings.

The study not only failed to find a link between being a happy child and an increased likelihood of becoming married, they found that the people who had been happy children were actually more likely to get divorced. One possible factor suggested by the researchers is that happier people have higher self-esteem or self-efficacy and are therefore more willing and able to leave an unhappy marriage.

"The benefits to individuals, families and to society of good mental health, positive relationships and satisfying work are likely to be substantial," said Professor Felicia Huppert, one of the authors of the paper and Director of the Well-being Institute at the University of Cambridge. "The findings support the view that even at this time of great financial hardship, policymakers should prioritise the well-being of our children so they have the best possible start in life."

Dr Marcus Richards, co-author of the paper from the MRC Unit for Lifelong Health and Ageing, said: "Most longitudinal studies focus on the negative impact of early mental problems, but the 1946 birth cohort also shows clear and very long-lasting positive consequences of mental well-being in childhood."

For the study, the researchers adjusted for social class of origin, childhood intelligence and education.

###

For additional information please contact:
Genevieve Maul, Office of Communications, University of Cambridge
Tel: direct, +44 (0) 1223 765542, +44 (0) 1223 332300
Mob: +44 (0) 7774 017464
Email: Genevieve.maul@admin.cam.ac.uk

Notes to editors:

1. The paper 'Do positive children become positive adults? Evidence from a longitudinal birth cohort study' was published in the January print edition of The Journal of Positive Psychology.

Care!

If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded. ~Maya Angelou

I have to begin with an admission. While I write this, I am a little angry. Perhaps I should calm down before I write, but if I go overboard, my editor (my wife) will “clean” it up. If you are reading this newsletter, I guess I was okay!

I teach English at a local college. I work in various departments, one of which has an administrator that I often don't agree with. I have been an administrator in the past and I always tried to make sure that the quality of the educational experience of the students was my guiding principle. I don't feel that this administrator shares that value.

Yesterday a colleague said to me, “They don't care, why should you care?” My response was. “The day I stop caring, please fire me.”

We live in a world where many people have become numb and have ceased to care. I know that many people are overwhelmed, but caring is so important. Perhaps if we can pass this on to our children, even if we are ourselves are numb already, the future of the world will be better than the present.

Often people say, “It is not my business, I don't want to get involved.” The best analogy that I once read for this argument is that if an elephant is standing on the tail of a mouse, the mouse will not appreciate your desire to stay neutral.

If your child sees another child being bullied at school, it may or may not be appropriate to intervene in the moment. It is possible that your child will be hurt. But it is completely appropriate, and you should encourage your child, to talk to the victim afterward. The last thing the victim needs to feel is that not a soul in the world cares about him or her.

The self-centered reason to care about others is so that they will care about you. Having more people that you care about and that care about you has been shown to increase happiness, health and success. It is a way to grow your social network. Having close relationships with family and close friends is important. Having many relationships in a “second circle” of friends is also important for creating a healthy social network that will increase many positive psychological outcomes.

One way to get ahead in the world is to be recognized as outstanding. My mother used to say that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In an era when most people don't care, it doesn't take a lot of caring to stand out as a special person. That is not to say that we should teach our kids to care only enough to get ahead. But we can point out that a little caring goes a long way, a lot of caring goes even further!

And of course, if our kids are caring, they will care about their parents and siblings as well, which will lead to a peaceful and loving house!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Do You Know Your Child’s Strengths? Do You Know How To Increase Them?

Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses. – Marilyn vos Savant

Developing our strengths, as Ms. vos Savant tells us, leads to our success. Simply eliminating our weaknesses only leaves us in a state of mediocrity. Improving on our strengths can produce greatness.

When I was studying to become a life coach and parenting coach, we often discussed strengths. I could send you to many different tests that you can take to learn what your strengths are. But my favorite way to get a grasp of my client's strengths is by asking a simple question: “What do you have coming up in the next few weeks that excites you?”

Before reading on, answer that question for yourself. What do you have coming up in the next few weeks that is exciting to you?

We get excited about things when we expect success. And I can tell a client's strengths by the skills they will use at the things that excite them. I can hear in their voice when they have a lot of energy about an upcoming project or visit. They sound more alive and more animated.

For example, as I write this, I am excited about three new classes that I will be teaching in the next few weeks. I look forward to meeting new students, perfecting the curricula that I created and learning the material more deeply.

When I take the strength tests, my number two strength is love of learning, my third is curiosity. (If you are also curious, number one is hope, optimism, and future-mindedness.) Is it any wonder that I am in a business where I help people look to and improve their future and that I am curious about people's strengths and ways to improve?

You can do this with your kids as well! Simply ask them what they have coming up in the next few weeks that is really exciting to them, and then listen to what they say. Don't suggest anything, don't correct them, and don't tell them what they have coming up that excites you. Just listen to what excites them.

You can also ask your child what was exciting at school that day. For example, my son gets excited when he learns something new and interesting. He really enjoys telling me and my wife about it.

And then keep track in your mind or in your journal what is exciting to them. Once you notice a pattern over a few days or weeks, encourage them to do more of that. If they are excited about an art project, make sure they are doing more art projects. If they are excited about basketball at recess, make sure they have a way to play basketball after school.

If your child gets to use their strengths on a regular basis, they will likely feel very fulfilled. This leads to happiness which will spill over to happy and fulfilled relationships with their friends, their siblings and, ultimately, with you!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Does Your Child Believe In Reality? Do You?

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. ~Jennifer Yane

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein

I chose two quotes for today's newsletter because there are two distinct views of reality. One, represented by the first quote, is that reality is real, whether or not we choose to accept it. The second view, represented by Albert Einstein, no less, is that reality is flexible.

Which of these is correct? According to which view should we raise our kids? My answer is “both”.

Let's be serious. Every time we fight with gravity, gravity will win. If you jump off the top of a bunk bed, there is a very good chance you will break an arm or a leg. That is reality and you cannot fight with that.

A common fight that people have with reality is the weather. Every winter it gets cold and rainy, every summer it gets hot and humid. It is what it is. No amount of complaining will change that.

A more personal example is when my son complains to me that Johnny in his class is annoying, I remind him that Johnny has been annoying for 6 years now. That is the reality of Johnny. While it would be nice if we could wave a magic wand and change Johnny, the reality is that we cannot.

On the other hand, How my son reacts to Johnny is another story entirely! And here, my son can change his reality. Because the truth is, Johnny is Johnny. My son perceives him as annoying and reacts to him as annoying. My son can change his reaction and, thereby, change his reality. This is obviously different if Johnny is hitting or otherwise being physical. But as long as Johnny is only using words, my sons reality is in his own hands.

How my son reacts to Johnny will, in many ways, determine my sons future reality. If he gets upset and sulks off, he will be missing some serious social skills. On the other hand, if he learns to let it slide and he stays engaged, he will have a more rewarding social life. There is a lot of research that this is the most important key to being happy in life. So it is crucial that my son learn to get along and stay engaged with his friends.

I actually have spoken to my son on many occasions about not getting upset. When I recently asked him about another way to deal with the situation when Johnny upset him, he said, “I could angry and take it out on someone else.” I had to point out that he could also not get angry at all.

So it is not easy to teach our kids about dealing with reality and choosing our reaction. But it is so important. When our kids get this important skill, they will likely have many good relationships, including their relationship with you!

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

Random Acts Of Kindness

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. - Author Unknown

The unknown author of today's quote missed an important point. Once you start treating the rude person with politeness, you will no longer perceive him or her as rude!

I have written before about “cognitive dissonance” which simply means that humans do not like to hold two opposing thoughts in their mind at the same time. This plays out in children when they have to blame the other kids for starting a fight. Your child might think something like this: I want to think of myself as a good person. Good people don't fight with others for no reason. Therefore, if I fought with Johnny today, I must have a good reason. That reason must be – Johnny started it.

Your child may have a hard time holding the two thoughts that they are a good person and that they did not have a good reason for fighting with Johnny at the same time. The only way for your child to make sense of this is to say that Johnny had it coming.

This very often plays out among siblings. If two siblings are always fighting, they might get used to the idea that their brother or sister is a bad kid and deserves to be bothered or fought with.

So how can you stop this vicious cycle? One way is through random acts of kindness. If I do something nice for Johnny, I will have a hard time believing that Johnny is worthy of fighting or rudeness and that Johnny is a bad kid. He is either one or the other. If we can get our kids to do just a few kind acts to Johnny or just a few nice things for their brother or sister, then we can break the cycle and end the fighting.

Another way to accomplish this is to simply talk about Johnny's redeeming qualities. Perhaps Johnny is a good sport. Or perhaps Johnny is helpful in class. When you discuss ways that Johnny is not a bad kid, you create cognitive dissonance between Johnny being a good kid and me fighting with Johnny.

Yet another way to accomplish this is to invite Johnny over for a playdate. Once I get to play with Johnny and experience his good qualities, I will no longer be able to fight with him without creating cognitive dissonance.

There is one more possibility, and this goes back to our quote. You can convince your child that they are nice and that nice kids don't fight. This may be the best choice for the long term. Once your child sees themselves as a nice kid, and they believe that nice kids don't fight, are not rude and are friendly, they will act nicely.

This will also help smooth out relationships at home between siblings. If I am a nice kid and my brother is a nice kid, we won't be fighting. This will set your kids up for a life-long relationship of love and respect for their siblings – and probably you as well!

********************************************************************************

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

An Added Benefit Of Reading Every Day

A good book has no ending. R.D. Cumming

I bet Cumming must have been reading to a two year old. Just when you think that they can't possibly want to read the same book again, they say “Again!”

I have a picture with each of my three boys when they were only a few hours old, on my lap, reading a book to them. With my older two boys it was “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by Bill Martin Jr. My wife was a kindergarten teacher then and that was the first book she read in kindergarten. (The boys knew it already, they had heard it in utero.) With out third, my wife was one month early and we couldn't find “Brown Bear”, so we had to settle for “Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do you Hear” by Bill Martin Jr..

Some people have told me that I was crazy for doing that. Firstly, I don't much care if I am called crazy. But more importantly, I knew I had a very sound reason for doing it. And today I learned another reason for reading to newborns.

The reason I chose to read to my boys from Day 1 is because of something I heard in a class about teaching reading. The professor told us that we know that there is some point in a child's life that if you have not started reading yet, you are starting late. You should still read to the child, but you should have started earlier. We also know that there is no point in a child's life that it is too early to start reading to a child. So, the professor told us, we should start reading to our children from Day 1 and we should read each and every day after that.

I always thought I was reading to my kids for their sake, so that they would learn to love to read. And it worked! All three boys are readers two of them more so, one less so. All three have done well in their language classes and are successful in school.

From today, I have a new reason to tell parents to read to their kids from the very first day. I just read about a study that was done in the Neonatal ICU in a hospital in Quebec. For babies and their parents in a NICU, it is very difficult to bond. The babies are usually in an incubator, often hooked up to tubes and monitors and parents may be afraid to hold the baby for fear of hurting them. They had the parents of these NICU babies read to the newborns.

The result? – The parents bonded better with the babies. And the babies bonded with their parents. And the parents were more likely to keep up the practice of reading to their kids when they got home from the hospital.

Now, thank God, none of my sons spent time in the NICU. But I am sure what is true for parents of babies who need special help is also true for parents of babies who are born healthy. Reading to your newborn helps you to bond with them. Many parents don't know what to do or say to their newborn. The truth is, saying anything is fine. But in case you need some direction and help with what to say, read a book! You can't go wrong.

All this time, I thought that reading to my kids was for their sake, now I know that I benefited as well.

I have no idea how my relationship with my kids would have turned out if I had not read to them, but I did read to them and we now have a wonderful relationship.

So, if a newborn is in your future or the future of other people you know, pass it on. Read to them from Day 1. It will help you to create a wonderful relationship with your newborn.

Feel free to use this article on your website or ezine. If you do, include the following bio. If you would like to print and distribute this article, click here.

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach.

Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent.

Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

No Man Is An Island

If you would like to print this out to add to a weekly newsletter, click here.

I just heard some fascinating research about positive psychology and cities. We all know the stereotypes. We all think that New Yorkers are brusk, perhaps even obnoxious. We think of Los Angelenos as friendlier if not a little shallow. And we think of Atlantans as very warm and welcoming southerners. The first question we should ask is whether these stereotypes are true. The second question we should ask is, “If it is true, how does it affect us and our kids?”

We now have some answers to these questions. Two researchers, Nansoon Park and Chris Peterson, looked at the results from the Values In Action Survey of Strengths by city.

San Francisco, Los Angeles and Oakland were the cities with the greatest number of people who had the strengths of (1) appreciation of beauty, (2) creativity, (3) curiosity and (4) love of learning. Park and Peterson called these “Strengths of the Head” since they are all more intellectual strengths. This means that if you live in one of these cities, you are surrounding yourself with people who are more intellectual, creative and who love learning. There will probably be more opportunities for you to introduce your children to these strengths and for them to interact with people who have these strengths.

El Paso, Mesa, Miami and Virginia Beach rated highest for strengths of the heart like (1) fairness, (2) forgiveness (3) gratitude and (4) hope. There are more in this list but you get the idea that these people are probably more interested in other people rather than art or learning. You might say these cities have a lot of “people” people.

What does this mean for you and your kids? I am not suggesting that you pick up and move to a city that has the qualities that you are looking for. But realizing that your city may be stronger in one area or another allows you to try to make up the “deficit” and make sure to expose your children (and yourself) to other things in your city.

When children are exposed to many different kinds of activities they are likely to become more curious about many different things and more likely to find their own natural talent. If a child has “an artist” inside of them and they are only exposed to sports, they may be very frustrated when they cannot find a career that seems to suit them.

Cities often have a variety of activities for children. While Silicon Valley cities are more likely to have computer activities for kids, I am sure you can also find art activities. And while Boston may have more history related activities, you can search out some martial arts.

You have to realize that where you live has an affect on you and on your children. You may be happy about the affect your city has or you may realize that there are things you want to fill in. Simply being aware of is the first step toward addressing areas that might be weak or missing.

New research links well-being in adolescence with life satisfaction in adulthood

Recent Posts